Father's Day Edition

Oddly enough I'm pretty sure my dad had no idea what he was doing.

Now, he is a terribly awesome dad in general. I mean, he supported the family. He made sure things happened. He took command when called. He made sure we were safe. He was ready to sacrifice it all for us.

But at the same time there were moments it felt like he was grasping at straws. Like a very short period where he decided for our birthdays we'd spend the evening out with him. It was started while I was in middle school and felt kinda weird, and discontinued after a few years. Or how I never got an official "birds and the bees" talk. I picked up how to tie a tie from a book. Father-isms were few. Not at all the classic media portrayal of a father-son relationship.

Instead I learned from his actions. Like how he made sure Mom was taken care of when she got hurt (she broke an ankle once). Or how easy-going he was. How he was willing to chat up random people and learn about their lives. Or the way he could just shrug and let a problem roll off while in the background rapidly fixing it.

Probably the one role that best exemplified this was his work in A/V. One of my childhood memories was playing around in the sound booth during service while my Dad ran sound. Or how we'd get up extra early to setup the sanctuary by running wires and setting up microphones. I was told he was one of the best techs in the church. For special occasions he was usually the one running the system taking meticulous notes during rehearsals of how he wanted to balance the sounds for each song. He was skilled, gifted, and worked diligently making sure everything ran smoothly.

And yet it wasn't a glory job. You only notice the A/V team when things go wrong. He wasn't the head of the A/V teams. If things went badly or I bumped into a switch he'd just swiftly recover and go on instead of blowing up with frustration. He didn't brag; I didn't know how highly prized he was until I was told by others.

I also wasn't forced into anything. Even though other members of the church were curious if I'd eventually succeed him in the sound booth, he just smiled. If I asked about things he would explain, like what feedback was (I may or may not have caused it several times). But I wasn't being forcibly groomed. The way he figured is he'd be open to the possibility but he wouldn't force me to do anything.

This was typical him. Silent infrastructure, a cool head, and providing opportunity without forcing your hand. A classy leader from the background. And although he may not have always known what he was doing, he would never stop trying to do his best.

Juggling Glass Balls

I once had a teacher who told me life is like juggling a bunch of glass balls. You'll want to keep trying to add glass balls, but eventually it'll become harder and harder to keep them all in the air. And if you make a mistake, they go crashing into the ground.

Well, I definitely see this as truth.

On the job alone juggling the myriad of responsibilities and two major products. And within each project the various tasks people always seem to need done right then and there. Everyone seems to think their little job for me must be done right then and there.

Add on to that keeping up with social circles. Navigating different situations, scheduling which events I can and cannot attend, and making the hard choices when two groups' plans conflict. I can't hang out with everyone all the time. And I can't talk with everyone all the time.

Layer on that my own personal hobbies. Writing this blog. Consuming media. Keeping up with the latest headlines in the world. Reading.

Plus the grown-up stuff like paying bills and registering to vote and making sure my car isn't a smoldering hunk of metal because I didn't change the oil. Plus tracking my expenses to make sure I have enough to pay for all the stuff I want to spend my income on while saving an appropriate amount for future major goals and paying down what debts I have. And don't forget time to keep the house clean.

Oh, and if I have the spare cycles, plotting.

I have to put certain balls down and stop trying to juggle them. Or else everything is going to crash and burn.

"No Problem"

I'd like for you to take a moment to think about your default response to someone saying "Thanks!"





OK.

I noticed mine is "No Problem." There's nothing inherently wrong with it. It's a common response. It fits the requirements of a response (acknowledgement and acceptance). It isn't terribly haughty ("of course you should thank me"). At first glance.

But it does reveal something else. On my end, it is belittling what I did. I am saying that what I did took no effort nor put me at a disadvantage. There was no sacrifice in my actions. This fits perfectly in the context of trying to maintain an image that everything comes easily for me. That I have it all under control. Nothing can faze me, and really I didn't even break a sweat. I'm just that awesome.

Blegh.

And to the person who just graciously thanked me, from their position I am belittling their thanks. It wasn't something you really had to thank me for. After all, it was just a little thing I did out of my spare time and goodness of my heart. Nothing to it really. You don't even need to really thank me. It was that easy. I can do this all day and not break a sweat, so why are you even thanking me?

Now, as I hope you know those sorts of things don't run through my head. And I am fairly certain those who get this response don't feel ashamed they thanked me either. But still, sometimes it's the most subtle things that make the difference. And it is always the subtle things that reflect the deeper things inside.

What's your reflexive response, and what does it say about you?

Would You Date Yourself?

Think about it for a moment.

OK, done?

Most of the time, I would say no. It's not that I always believe myself to be undateable (although that does cross my mind often). It is because I know some people who share certain characteristics with me, and I can't stand them in others.

Obviously this is a slightly skewed premise to begin with. You do not need a clone of yourself around (unless you are really, really narcissistic). Also, most dating advice seems to be look for a complimentary partner*. Find someone who is similar and shares your outlook and interests, but different enough to bring out the best in you.

However, I still think it is a useful self-evaluation tool. For example, look around your room. How clean is it? If you walked into a prospective person's room and it looked like yours, would you be impressed or repulsed? Or what about some of your idiosyncrasies? I tend to think I am right and am not afraid to say so. But, bringing down the "this is truth" hammer doesn't make for very good conversation. How willing are you to share your internal feelings? The list goes on.

Again, this is a very, very poor metric overall. Studies have shown that while we are decent at pointing out our own failures and weaknesses we are horrible at figuring out our strengths. Overall, most people can rate their looks close to what others would. However, on average, we tend to rate ourselves just a tad lower than others do. Similarly, too often we might get hung up on all the minor failures we've had without noticing the great accomplishments others see. Plus, as the saying goes, you don't have to find the perfect person. You just have to find the one person who says "yes" (and that can put up with your problems).

On the flip side, if you wouldn't date you, what makes you think many others want to either!

This brings up the question "if I think I am inadequate dating material, should I be trying to date?" This doesn't just apply to dating; being "good enough" before you can do X is a very common theme. For many things, it is a legitimate barrier. You don't want to run a marathon without executing a half-marathon first (or having an epic trainer). You probably shouldn't get married without dating first. There are many things in life you should train up to a certain level of competency before attempting. But for others they are merely excuses. For example, you might stink at cooking now, but that doesn't mean you can't learn by doing more cooking. Or, just because you can't run non-stop a mile now doesn't mean you shouldn't start running to get in shape. Which one does dating fall in to? Not sure. Plus, I feel it depends on the person. If it would cause serious problems (you're healing from something), don't do it. On the flip side, don't wait until you're the perfect dateable badass before going out there.

So, if you wouldn't date yourself, the next question is why? And, can you do anything about it? Sitting in a corner waiting for the one to come around who will accept you "for who you are" is a waste of time. That assumes you are perfect as you are, and I'm fairly sure none of us are perfect. If you can identify what the major turn-offs are and remedy them, then you are on your way to becoming a better person. As a byproduct, a more dateable person.

As a caveat, this does NOT mean becoming a totally different person. Molding yourself into someone-you-are-not is possible, but not recommended. I am saying you should look to becoming the best person you can be. Being all that you are. Not becoming someone new. Of course, you can broaden your horizons. Staying in your comfort zone is a great way to stay stagnant, try new things! You might even enjoy them and find a new hobby. But do not change the core of who you are. Just improve the person you are.

So, would you date yourself?



* Some claim this advice is a byproduct of a more "traditional" household where the members would specialize. One would handle one part (income), one would handle the other (domestics) freeing up both to achieve better results in their respective domains. However, society is (possible?) shifting to households not being as specialized, and therefore a shift in marriages being less about specializations in productivity and more about shared experiences. Still, personally I'd rather not marry a clone of myself, but food for thought about the whole "opposites attract" notion.

The Things My Mom Taught Me

Ah, Mother's Day Weekend. The time in the spring where we reflect on those who carried us around for nine months and went through excruciating pain to make us. And yet, for some reason, for all that grief we caused and cramping and back pain and really bad fashion, they loved us. They saw potential in us. They looked at a random clump of cells and said "you are a person and you are mine." In honor of those saints, here are a few things I was taught by my mom that impacted my life.

* Start tough, you can relax later. This was a very important piece of advice given to me when I became Section Leader in Band. Fundamentally it illustrates how it is easier to let things become loose than it is to tighten them up later. It holds true in so many things. Easier to let grades crash than to fight back to a higher score. Easy to let you body atrophy than to beat it into shape and maintain it. The fundamental law of entropy and discipline in your life. Bonus points for this one since it kept the section running smoothly, in no small part because every day I'd debrief my mom on what happened that day and she'd offer helpful thoughts.

* Put away what you take out. Hurrah for the basic childhood lessons. Like all good childhood rules, this continues to be true today, just in ways you may not expect. It is the secret to keeping a clean home. Since everything is always put away, you no longer have a large pile of junk to put away. AMAZING! Plus, it applies to other things in life. For example, understanding what a mutex is. Or, always telling someone when you are done with something so they can use it again. Since I shed that skin on the ground or got junk on the counter, it's my job to deal with it! Break out the vacuum!

* The world isn't black and white. You don't know how many times I was told this growing up. And for the longest time I didn't get it. World seemed pretty black and white to me. Laws seemed to regulate actions and social norms. Certain things were (vegetables) and others were not (lightsabers). Plus, almost everyone at school hated me. Simple. Took me a long time to figure this one out, and I'm still learning where along the color spectrum certain things lie for me.

* It's OK as long as you try your hardest. I think I've mentioned this before, but my parents did not expect me to get straight As for the sake of straight As. They expected me to get straight As because I was capable of getting straight As. It is a subtle, but important distinction. In all things I was expected to do my best. Even if that best wasn't the best possible. This lead to a lot of car rides to a variety of activities, just to give exposure and to try it out. You don't like baseball? OK. You are done with taking lessons? OK. Of course, there were times they knew I could do better, and encouraged me to break through what I thought were limitations. But at the same time I experienced leniency when merited. This same guiding principle runs the majority of my life even today.

* Food is Delicious. OK, that is probably self-explanatory to everyone. But seriously, my mom is pretty darn good at cooking. And not just cooking a recipe. Recipes are starting points for her. Sure we have a base recipe for lasagna, but that doesn't mean we don't end up with a spicy variety, or spinach variety, or whatever. This variety of different foods, plus the range of ethnic food we ate, was pretty neat. And some of that knowledge trickled down to me. So, sure I have recipes, but I know they are just starting points. The variety of food has also come in handy. I have no qualms about eating most anything. There are certain things I prefer not to eat, but I'm at home in all kinds of settings.

* Family is important. Again, this should be a no-brainer for most people. Still, looking back at the things that were given up to provide a loving home and to let us excel is quite astounding. Extra hours plugged into late night projects, the constant shuttling of me and my siblings, the hour every day of cooking dinner and late at night packing lunches. That isn't to say she didn't have fun either. But a serious amount of time and energy went into making our family work as a family. Plus, it didn't end at the household. We made sure to make time for other members of our family. And for family friends and their families. Even if things didn't always go smoothly, family was important and so we worked it out. Most of the time.

* It's not about things. This is a compound one. First, we were able to have fun with not much. The only video games I owned were a GameBoy and the computer. And I didn't have access to all the games on either. So instead I busied myself with other things. Books. Music. Sports. I had a pre-paid cellphone, and since it only charged if you were connected for more than around eight seconds, I could give my mom a pager code when we were done after school and it wouldn't cost us a cent. We lived without cable (oh the horrors). At the end of the day, you don't need things to have fun. Sure we would spend money on things, but those were important. Family vacations. Musical instruments when we reached the limits of our old ones. Good food. We didn't need to surround ourselves with the latest car or hippest whatever fad of the 90s was in vogue. And even if we did, we managed our own funds and did it efficiently. At the end of the day, the real invest was in people. Investing in social events. Investing in skills. Not investing in the transitory.

* Flexibility. More often than not, things don't go as planned. Sure you should have a very good plan (my mom's planning for parties is pretty intense. She developed a handbook for how to run banquets for organizations with timelines and contacts and everything), but leave room for changes. Allow for others to get in the way and make mistakes. Accommodate the crazy demands of the crazies, to an extent. When you fall flat on your face, smile and keep going. You can try to predict everything, but the unexpected will happen, so just roll with it.

This list could obviously keep going, but I think you get the point. Much of what I know and do today is thanks to my mom. <3

On My Mind: Duality

Preface: this was the post I mentioned previously. I'm too busy to finish polishing a new one, so enjoy this instead.


This title prefix indicates this is something that's 1) on my mind and 2) I want to randomly spew about. As a result, these will tend to be lower quality than a more structured, well-thought out post. It may also delve into weird parts of my mind. You've been warned.

So, duality. There are very, very few things in this world that do not have two sides to them. In my infinite wisdom stupidity I have trained myself to always acknowledge the other side and hold them as plausible. As a result, I tend to get paralyzed by being caught between them.

For example, think about the poor. On one hand, many poor are there because of the systems in place to make their lives easier. They are relatively comfortable and have figured out ways to get their necessities and see no reason to get out of their situation. Alternatively, they got themselves into this situation by substance abuse or poor decisions. Under these circumstances, one might feel justified in not helping them. They should learn to stand under their own strength! After all, they won't get better if we just coddle them. However, many are also there due to bad circumstances. The system conspires to take away their opportunities. Perhaps they made a few early bad decisions but are now reformed. Or maybe with the right system in place and the right opportunity they can succeed, they just need someone to believe in them and give them a helping hand.

Both of these stances are correct, in some form or fashion. As a result arguments fly left and right about what to do. Which side you feel is stronger speaks volumes about your priorities, character, and outlook on life.

This doesn't just apply to policy though. On one hand, I'd like to be an expert programmer and engineer wunderkind. All the literature says to become this, I should work really hard. Take up outside projects. Learn as much as you can at all times. There is no speed limit! On the other hand, I'd like to have a quiet life. I have other frivolous interests that take time. I enjoy killing time with other people. And at times I am just burned out. If I was too stuck in the first mindset, I would chastise myself for the breaks thinking about all the lost productivity. If I was too stuck in the second, I would never grow and only try to fill my own comfortable needs first without stepping out and growing as an individual. You don't get better by just doing what you are already capable of.

It is this duality. The mixture of me being quiet and letting others say their mind while screaming inside to say what I want. The oddity of saying what I think so emphatically I shut down the opposition and regret not hearing their thoughts. The cacophony of playing Devil's Advocate to show someone the flaws in their argument without ever getting around to saying what I really think. The madness of holding conflicting concepts in my life in balance with fear that if I pick the wrong one and go after it wholeheartedly I'll regret it some day in the future. The agony of burning out and hating myself for doing so.

That is what has been on my mind.

Right Advice at the Right Time

It's funny how advice seems to contradict itself.

"Just be yourself! If they can't handle you, they're not your real friends and you deserve better."

"Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the sake of friendship and change for the better."

Hoooo boy.

Don't get me wrong, I am all for people being themselves. At the same time, I also am for self-improvement and for people to be considerate and not complete douche bags. Sometimes you just gotta sit someone down and change them. And yet you shouldn't change people. Letting them be who they are is real acceptance! We all want people to accept us for who we are, so be a great friend and accept others!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH

Obviously the real answer is kinda in-between. If someone is down and out and needs a buddy, cheer them up and accept them for who they are. If someone is being a pretentious jerk, you politely pull them aside and take them down a notch. It all comes down to context.

Here is another classic example. "Give to the poor" and "Help the poor help themselves." Obviously you should help those less fortunate than yourself. I hope we can agree on that. But you don't want to just solve all their problems or else they could become dependent. So, where do you draw the line? Unfortunately, we are really, really good at simplified epitaphs (and arguing about them, see politics) and really crummy at figuring out the in-between point. At what point do you stop simply giving stuff away and start weening them towards self-sufficiency?

At what point do you stop just receiving and start giving to a community?

When do you draw the line between bending backwards to make amends and putting your foot down?

How do you discern the inflection between taking an active role in pouring out resources to making sure you take care of yourself?

What are the signs that you should keep off the knee versus power through and strengthen it?

No idea. I guess that's just something you learn and apply case-by-case.

The world isn't black-and-white, it's full of color.



PS: From my new favorite blog:

A lot of the time people think I’m saying you should be yourself, and that’s not exactly what I’m trying to express.  The idea that you should be yourself gives off this whole negative thought process endowed by laziness and staying in one place, not pursuing something more.  That’s not what I believe.  I believe in growth.  Growth is beautiful.