Think about it for a moment.
OK, done?
Most of the time, I would say no. It's not that I always believe myself to be undateable (although that does cross my mind often). It is because I know some people who share certain characteristics with me, and I can't stand them in others.
Obviously this is a slightly skewed premise to begin with. You do not need a clone of yourself around (unless you are really, really narcissistic). Also, most dating advice seems to be look for a complimentary partner*. Find someone who is similar and shares your outlook and interests, but different enough to bring out the best in you.
However, I still think it is a useful self-evaluation tool. For example, look around your room. How clean is it? If you walked into a prospective person's room and it looked like yours, would you be impressed or repulsed? Or what about some of your idiosyncrasies? I tend to think I am right and am not afraid to say so. But, bringing down the "this is truth" hammer doesn't make for very good conversation. How willing are you to share your internal feelings? The list goes on.
Again, this is a very, very poor metric overall. Studies have shown that while we are decent at pointing out our own failures and weaknesses we are horrible at figuring out our strengths. Overall, most people can rate their looks close to what others would. However, on average, we tend to rate ourselves just a tad lower than others do. Similarly, too often we might get hung up on all the minor failures we've had without noticing the great accomplishments others see. Plus, as the saying goes, you don't have to find the perfect person. You just have to find the one person who says "yes" (and that can put up with your problems).
On the flip side, if you wouldn't date you, what makes you think many others want to either!
This brings up the question "if I think I am inadequate dating material, should I be trying to date?" This doesn't just apply to dating; being "good enough" before you can do X is a very common theme. For many things, it is a legitimate barrier. You don't want to run a marathon without executing a half-marathon first (or having an epic trainer). You probably shouldn't get married without dating first. There are many things in life you should train up to a certain level of competency before attempting. But for others they are merely excuses. For example, you might stink at cooking now, but that doesn't mean you can't learn by doing more cooking. Or, just because you can't run non-stop a mile now doesn't mean you shouldn't start running to get in shape. Which one does dating fall in to? Not sure. Plus, I feel it depends on the person. If it would cause serious problems (you're healing from something), don't do it. On the flip side, don't wait until you're the perfect dateable badass before going out there.
So, if you wouldn't date yourself, the next question is why? And, can you do anything about it? Sitting in a corner waiting for the one to come around who will accept you "for who you are" is a waste of time. That assumes you are perfect as you are, and I'm fairly sure none of us are perfect. If you can identify what the major turn-offs are and remedy them, then you are on your way to becoming a better person. As a byproduct, a more dateable person.
As a caveat, this does NOT mean becoming a totally different person. Molding yourself into someone-you-are-not is possible, but not recommended. I am saying you should look to becoming the best person you can be. Being all that you are. Not becoming someone new. Of course, you can broaden your horizons. Staying in your comfort zone is a great way to stay stagnant, try new things! You might even enjoy them and find a new hobby. But do not change the core of who you are. Just improve the person you are.
So, would you date yourself?
* Some claim this advice is a byproduct of a more "traditional" household where the members would specialize. One would handle one part (income), one would handle the other (domestics) freeing up both to achieve better results in their respective domains. However, society is (possible?) shifting to households not being as specialized, and therefore a shift in marriages being less about specializations in productivity and more about shared experiences. Still, personally I'd rather not marry a clone of myself, but food for thought about the whole "opposites attract" notion.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
The Things My Mom Taught Me
Ah, Mother's Day Weekend. The time in the spring where we reflect on those who carried us around for nine months and went through excruciating pain to make us. And yet, for some reason, for all that grief we caused and cramping and back pain and really bad fashion, they loved us. They saw potential in us. They looked at a random clump of cells and said "you are a person and you are mine." In honor of those saints, here are a few things I was taught by my mom that impacted my life.
* Start tough, you can relax later. This was a very important piece of advice given to me when I became Section Leader in Band. Fundamentally it illustrates how it is easier to let things become loose than it is to tighten them up later. It holds true in so many things. Easier to let grades crash than to fight back to a higher score. Easy to let you body atrophy than to beat it into shape and maintain it. The fundamental law of entropy and discipline in your life. Bonus points for this one since it kept the section running smoothly, in no small part because every day I'd debrief my mom on what happened that day and she'd offer helpful thoughts.
* Put away what you take out. Hurrah for the basic childhood lessons. Like all good childhood rules, this continues to be true today, just in ways you may not expect. It is the secret to keeping a clean home. Since everything is always put away, you no longer have a large pile of junk to put away. AMAZING! Plus, it applies to other things in life. For example, understanding what a mutex is. Or, always telling someone when you are done with something so they can use it again. Since I shed that skin on the ground or got junk on the counter, it's my job to deal with it! Break out the vacuum!
* The world isn't black and white. You don't know how many times I was told this growing up. And for the longest time I didn't get it. World seemed pretty black and white to me. Laws seemed to regulate actions and social norms. Certain things were (vegetables) and others were not (lightsabers). Plus, almost everyone at school hated me. Simple. Took me a long time to figure this one out, and I'm still learning where along the color spectrum certain things lie for me.
* It's OK as long as you try your hardest. I think I've mentioned this before, but my parents did not expect me to get straight As for the sake of straight As. They expected me to get straight As because I was capable of getting straight As. It is a subtle, but important distinction. In all things I was expected to do my best. Even if that best wasn't the best possible. This lead to a lot of car rides to a variety of activities, just to give exposure and to try it out. You don't like baseball? OK. You are done with taking lessons? OK. Of course, there were times they knew I could do better, and encouraged me to break through what I thought were limitations. But at the same time I experienced leniency when merited. This same guiding principle runs the majority of my life even today.
* Food is Delicious. OK, that is probably self-explanatory to everyone. But seriously, my mom is pretty darn good at cooking. And not just cooking a recipe. Recipes are starting points for her. Sure we have a base recipe for lasagna, but that doesn't mean we don't end up with a spicy variety, or spinach variety, or whatever. This variety of different foods, plus the range of ethnic food we ate, was pretty neat. And some of that knowledge trickled down to me. So, sure I have recipes, but I know they are just starting points. The variety of food has also come in handy. I have no qualms about eating most anything. There are certain things I prefer not to eat, but I'm at home in all kinds of settings.
* Family is important. Again, this should be a no-brainer for most people. Still, looking back at the things that were given up to provide a loving home and to let us excel is quite astounding. Extra hours plugged into late night projects, the constant shuttling of me and my siblings, the hour every day of cooking dinner and late at night packing lunches. That isn't to say she didn't have fun either. But a serious amount of time and energy went into making our family work as a family. Plus, it didn't end at the household. We made sure to make time for other members of our family. And for family friends and their families. Even if things didn't always go smoothly, family was important and so we worked it out. Most of the time.
* It's not about things. This is a compound one. First, we were able to have fun with not much. The only video games I owned were a GameBoy and the computer. And I didn't have access to all the games on either. So instead I busied myself with other things. Books. Music. Sports. I had a pre-paid cellphone, and since it only charged if you were connected for more than around eight seconds, I could give my mom a pager code when we were done after school and it wouldn't cost us a cent. We lived without cable (oh the horrors). At the end of the day, you don't need things to have fun. Sure we would spend money on things, but those were important. Family vacations. Musical instruments when we reached the limits of our old ones. Good food. We didn't need to surround ourselves with the latest car or hippest whatever fad of the 90s was in vogue. And even if we did, we managed our own funds and did it efficiently. At the end of the day, the real invest was in people. Investing in social events. Investing in skills. Not investing in the transitory.
* Flexibility. More often than not, things don't go as planned. Sure you should have a very good plan (my mom's planning for parties is pretty intense. She developed a handbook for how to run banquets for organizations with timelines and contacts and everything), but leave room for changes. Allow for others to get in the way and make mistakes. Accommodate the crazy demands of the crazies, to an extent. When you fall flat on your face, smile and keep going. You can try to predict everything, but the unexpected will happen, so just roll with it.
This list could obviously keep going, but I think you get the point. Much of what I know and do today is thanks to my mom. <3
* Start tough, you can relax later. This was a very important piece of advice given to me when I became Section Leader in Band. Fundamentally it illustrates how it is easier to let things become loose than it is to tighten them up later. It holds true in so many things. Easier to let grades crash than to fight back to a higher score. Easy to let you body atrophy than to beat it into shape and maintain it. The fundamental law of entropy and discipline in your life. Bonus points for this one since it kept the section running smoothly, in no small part because every day I'd debrief my mom on what happened that day and she'd offer helpful thoughts.
* Put away what you take out. Hurrah for the basic childhood lessons. Like all good childhood rules, this continues to be true today, just in ways you may not expect. It is the secret to keeping a clean home. Since everything is always put away, you no longer have a large pile of junk to put away. AMAZING! Plus, it applies to other things in life. For example, understanding what a mutex is. Or, always telling someone when you are done with something so they can use it again. Since I shed that skin on the ground or got junk on the counter, it's my job to deal with it! Break out the vacuum!
* The world isn't black and white. You don't know how many times I was told this growing up. And for the longest time I didn't get it. World seemed pretty black and white to me. Laws seemed to regulate actions and social norms. Certain things were (vegetables) and others were not (lightsabers). Plus, almost everyone at school hated me. Simple. Took me a long time to figure this one out, and I'm still learning where along the color spectrum certain things lie for me.
* It's OK as long as you try your hardest. I think I've mentioned this before, but my parents did not expect me to get straight As for the sake of straight As. They expected me to get straight As because I was capable of getting straight As. It is a subtle, but important distinction. In all things I was expected to do my best. Even if that best wasn't the best possible. This lead to a lot of car rides to a variety of activities, just to give exposure and to try it out. You don't like baseball? OK. You are done with taking lessons? OK. Of course, there were times they knew I could do better, and encouraged me to break through what I thought were limitations. But at the same time I experienced leniency when merited. This same guiding principle runs the majority of my life even today.
* Food is Delicious. OK, that is probably self-explanatory to everyone. But seriously, my mom is pretty darn good at cooking. And not just cooking a recipe. Recipes are starting points for her. Sure we have a base recipe for lasagna, but that doesn't mean we don't end up with a spicy variety, or spinach variety, or whatever. This variety of different foods, plus the range of ethnic food we ate, was pretty neat. And some of that knowledge trickled down to me. So, sure I have recipes, but I know they are just starting points. The variety of food has also come in handy. I have no qualms about eating most anything. There are certain things I prefer not to eat, but I'm at home in all kinds of settings.
* Family is important. Again, this should be a no-brainer for most people. Still, looking back at the things that were given up to provide a loving home and to let us excel is quite astounding. Extra hours plugged into late night projects, the constant shuttling of me and my siblings, the hour every day of cooking dinner and late at night packing lunches. That isn't to say she didn't have fun either. But a serious amount of time and energy went into making our family work as a family. Plus, it didn't end at the household. We made sure to make time for other members of our family. And for family friends and their families. Even if things didn't always go smoothly, family was important and so we worked it out. Most of the time.
* It's not about things. This is a compound one. First, we were able to have fun with not much. The only video games I owned were a GameBoy and the computer. And I didn't have access to all the games on either. So instead I busied myself with other things. Books. Music. Sports. I had a pre-paid cellphone, and since it only charged if you were connected for more than around eight seconds, I could give my mom a pager code when we were done after school and it wouldn't cost us a cent. We lived without cable (oh the horrors). At the end of the day, you don't need things to have fun. Sure we would spend money on things, but those were important. Family vacations. Musical instruments when we reached the limits of our old ones. Good food. We didn't need to surround ourselves with the latest car or hippest whatever fad of the 90s was in vogue. And even if we did, we managed our own funds and did it efficiently. At the end of the day, the real invest was in people. Investing in social events. Investing in skills. Not investing in the transitory.
* Flexibility. More often than not, things don't go as planned. Sure you should have a very good plan (my mom's planning for parties is pretty intense. She developed a handbook for how to run banquets for organizations with timelines and contacts and everything), but leave room for changes. Allow for others to get in the way and make mistakes. Accommodate the crazy demands of the crazies, to an extent. When you fall flat on your face, smile and keep going. You can try to predict everything, but the unexpected will happen, so just roll with it.
This list could obviously keep going, but I think you get the point. Much of what I know and do today is thanks to my mom. <3
Friday, May 4, 2012
On My Mind: Duality
Preface: this was the post I mentioned previously. I'm too busy to finish polishing a new one, so enjoy this instead.
This title prefix indicates this is something that's 1) on my mind and 2) I want to randomly spew about. As a result, these will tend to be lower quality than a more structured, well-thought out post. It may also delve into weird parts of my mind. You've been warned.
So, duality. There are very, very few things in this world that do not have two sides to them. In my infinitewisdom stupidity I have trained myself to always acknowledge the other side and hold them as plausible. As a result, I tend to get paralyzed by being caught between them.
For example, think about the poor. On one hand, many poor are there because of the systems in place to make their lives easier. They are relatively comfortable and have figured out ways to get their necessities and see no reason to get out of their situation. Alternatively, they got themselves into this situation by substance abuse or poor decisions. Under these circumstances, one might feel justified in not helping them. They should learn to stand under their own strength! After all, they won't get better if we just coddle them. However, many are also there due to bad circumstances. The system conspires to take away their opportunities. Perhaps they made a few early bad decisions but are now reformed. Or maybe with the right system in place and the right opportunity they can succeed, they just need someone to believe in them and give them a helping hand.
Both of these stances are correct, in some form or fashion. As a result arguments fly left and right about what to do. Which side you feel is stronger speaks volumes about your priorities, character, and outlook on life.
This doesn't just apply to policy though. On one hand, I'd like to be an expert programmer and engineer wunderkind. All the literature says to become this, I should work really hard. Take up outside projects. Learn as much as you can at all times. There is no speed limit! On the other hand, I'd like to have a quiet life. I have other frivolous interests that take time. I enjoy killing time with other people. And at times I am just burned out. If I was too stuck in the first mindset, I would chastise myself for the breaks thinking about all the lost productivity. If I was too stuck in the second, I would never grow and only try to fill my own comfortable needs first without stepping out and growing as an individual. You don't get better by just doing what you are already capable of.
It is this duality. The mixture of me being quiet and letting others say their mind while screaming inside to say what I want. The oddity of saying what I think so emphatically I shut down the opposition and regret not hearing their thoughts. The cacophony of playing Devil's Advocate to show someone the flaws in their argument without ever getting around to saying what I really think. The madness of holding conflicting concepts in my life in balance with fear that if I pick the wrong one and go after it wholeheartedly I'll regret it some day in the future. The agony of burning out and hating myself for doing so.
That is what has been on my mind.
This title prefix indicates this is something that's 1) on my mind and 2) I want to randomly spew about. As a result, these will tend to be lower quality than a more structured, well-thought out post. It may also delve into weird parts of my mind. You've been warned.
So, duality. There are very, very few things in this world that do not have two sides to them. In my infinite
For example, think about the poor. On one hand, many poor are there because of the systems in place to make their lives easier. They are relatively comfortable and have figured out ways to get their necessities and see no reason to get out of their situation. Alternatively, they got themselves into this situation by substance abuse or poor decisions. Under these circumstances, one might feel justified in not helping them. They should learn to stand under their own strength! After all, they won't get better if we just coddle them. However, many are also there due to bad circumstances. The system conspires to take away their opportunities. Perhaps they made a few early bad decisions but are now reformed. Or maybe with the right system in place and the right opportunity they can succeed, they just need someone to believe in them and give them a helping hand.
Both of these stances are correct, in some form or fashion. As a result arguments fly left and right about what to do. Which side you feel is stronger speaks volumes about your priorities, character, and outlook on life.
This doesn't just apply to policy though. On one hand, I'd like to be an expert programmer and engineer wunderkind. All the literature says to become this, I should work really hard. Take up outside projects. Learn as much as you can at all times. There is no speed limit! On the other hand, I'd like to have a quiet life. I have other frivolous interests that take time. I enjoy killing time with other people. And at times I am just burned out. If I was too stuck in the first mindset, I would chastise myself for the breaks thinking about all the lost productivity. If I was too stuck in the second, I would never grow and only try to fill my own comfortable needs first without stepping out and growing as an individual. You don't get better by just doing what you are already capable of.
It is this duality. The mixture of me being quiet and letting others say their mind while screaming inside to say what I want. The oddity of saying what I think so emphatically I shut down the opposition and regret not hearing their thoughts. The cacophony of playing Devil's Advocate to show someone the flaws in their argument without ever getting around to saying what I really think. The madness of holding conflicting concepts in my life in balance with fear that if I pick the wrong one and go after it wholeheartedly I'll regret it some day in the future. The agony of burning out and hating myself for doing so.
That is what has been on my mind.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Right Advice at the Right Time
It's funny how advice seems to contradict itself.
"Just be yourself! If they can't handle you, they're not your real friends and you deserve better."
"Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the sake of friendship and change for the better."
Hoooo boy.
Don't get me wrong, I am all for people being themselves. At the same time, I also am for self-improvement and for people to be considerate and not complete douche bags. Sometimes you just gotta sit someone down and change them. And yet you shouldn't change people. Letting them be who they are is real acceptance! We all want people to accept us for who we are, so be a great friend and accept others!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH
Obviously the real answer is kinda in-between. If someone is down and out and needs a buddy, cheer them up and accept them for who they are. If someone is being a pretentious jerk, you politely pull them aside and take them down a notch. It all comes down to context.
Here is another classic example. "Give to the poor" and "Help the poor help themselves." Obviously you should help those less fortunate than yourself. I hope we can agree on that. But you don't want to just solve all their problems or else they could become dependent. So, where do you draw the line? Unfortunately, we are really, really good at simplified epitaphs (and arguing about them, see politics) and really crummy at figuring out the in-between point. At what point do you stop simply giving stuff away and start weening them towards self-sufficiency?
At what point do you stop just receiving and start giving to a community?
When do you draw the line between bending backwards to make amends and putting your foot down?
How do you discern the inflection between taking an active role in pouring out resources to making sure you take care of yourself?
What are the signs that you should keep off the knee versus power through and strengthen it?
No idea. I guess that's just something you learn and apply case-by-case.
The world isn't black-and-white, it's full of color.
PS: From my new favorite blog:
"Just be yourself! If they can't handle you, they're not your real friends and you deserve better."
"Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the sake of friendship and change for the better."
Hoooo boy.
Don't get me wrong, I am all for people being themselves. At the same time, I also am for self-improvement and for people to be considerate and not complete douche bags. Sometimes you just gotta sit someone down and change them. And yet you shouldn't change people. Letting them be who they are is real acceptance! We all want people to accept us for who we are, so be a great friend and accept others!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH
Obviously the real answer is kinda in-between. If someone is down and out and needs a buddy, cheer them up and accept them for who they are. If someone is being a pretentious jerk, you politely pull them aside and take them down a notch. It all comes down to context.
Here is another classic example. "Give to the poor" and "Help the poor help themselves." Obviously you should help those less fortunate than yourself. I hope we can agree on that. But you don't want to just solve all their problems or else they could become dependent. So, where do you draw the line? Unfortunately, we are really, really good at simplified epitaphs (and arguing about them, see politics) and really crummy at figuring out the in-between point. At what point do you stop simply giving stuff away and start weening them towards self-sufficiency?
At what point do you stop just receiving and start giving to a community?
When do you draw the line between bending backwards to make amends and putting your foot down?
How do you discern the inflection between taking an active role in pouring out resources to making sure you take care of yourself?
What are the signs that you should keep off the knee versus power through and strengthen it?
No idea. I guess that's just something you learn and apply case-by-case.
The world isn't black-and-white, it's full of color.
PS: From my new favorite blog:
A lot of the time people think I’m saying you should be yourself, and that’s not exactly what I’m trying to express. The idea that you should be yourself gives off this whole negative thought process endowed by laziness and staying in one place, not pursuing something more. That’s not what I believe. I believe in growth. Growth is beautiful.
Friday, April 20, 2012
The Awesomeness of Community
I wrote a post on Wednesday and scheduled it up to be posted today. It was quite depressing (but hopefully insightful), and maybe I'll post it some other time.
On Thursday I went to work and wasn't feeling all that great. A little give-and-take of the goods and the bads, but still feeling down.
That evening instead of the usual Fusion group at church, there were two events. One at the church at 6pm and another fairly far away at 7pm. For perspective, normally the trip to church takes around 30 minutes. To get to the other event would take around 45 minutes. That's a lot of driving for some ancillary event that I wasn't really crazy interested in.
During the day I was busy and felt tired and thought to myself, "maybe I should just skip it all today, go home, eat some dinner, and waste time online or something. Things aren't going great, and do I really want to spend all that time driving out to an event and then driving back and all that gas money and blah blah blah."
But, at the end of the day, I thought to myself: why not. Would sure beat moping by myself at home playing silly games.
So I got out of work around 6pm. Too late to make the first event. Besides, that required signing up online and I hadn't gotten around to that. So I got in my car and started out to Rocklin. As I've previously mentioned, I often do some of my weirdest introspective thinking while driving or biking. So I struggled with some things and plotted out some other things and analyzed whether it was all my fault. Got in, parked, found the building, and got a seat.
For context, the event was Francis Chan giving a light talk with a Q&A. For those who know nothing about him (like I did prior to this event), he's a fairly dynamic speaker in Christian groups. He's written a few very successful books. He's pastoring a church in San Francisco specifically targeting training and raising up disciples who, if necessary, could stand on their own and learn from the Bible independently. He has quite the backstory and is very insightful on a variety of topics. Several times he would talk about going back and reading through the Bible to check and try to figure out if he had made a mistake in interpretation when presented with new arguments.
Overall, it was good. There were a lot of very challenging points. He shared some very interesting stories and said some very smart things. And while it was very good and helped reset me a bit, that's not the point of this post.
All this setup is to talk about the others who showed up. The banter before and after. Having people around that were willing to share their thoughts, talk about their lives, and were interested in your life and well-being. Even though some of them I had only met a few times, and one I met the first time that night, in the span of a few minutes we were open and willing to share.
And that really healed me.
To know that there were people that didn't keep me around for my abilities. Seeing in action people that cared about each other and who cared about you. Not just a few smiles and handshakes and saying "how are you?" without really caring. Honestly talking about what they thought, some of their personal struggles. Asking about what was going on and bantering about locale eateries. But it wasn't surface sharing of information. It wasn't "look what I know." It was in the context of people caring about each other, and caring about me.
And that's incredible.
If you are not part of a community that does this yet, you really, really need to find one. It has pulled me out of so many funks. I more often than not leave with a little extra spring in my step and a happier outlook on life. It enables me to try again after the fifteenth failure.
That's not to say it doesn't fail sometimes. There have been days I went, looking for a little taste of community, and only got friendly smiles. There have been moments when I felt myself or those around me only showboating trying to get in their thoughts so that others would think better of them. Trying to be an amazing community all the time takes effort! From all the members involved! But at its core if you care about others and they care about you it can flow naturally.
So, I heartily recommend plugging into and contributing to a community. Not a social group. Not a forum. Not a group of people who share an interest. A community that lives and breathes and builds each other up and pours out their life into each other. Because it's amazing.
On Thursday I went to work and wasn't feeling all that great. A little give-and-take of the goods and the bads, but still feeling down.
That evening instead of the usual Fusion group at church, there were two events. One at the church at 6pm and another fairly far away at 7pm. For perspective, normally the trip to church takes around 30 minutes. To get to the other event would take around 45 minutes. That's a lot of driving for some ancillary event that I wasn't really crazy interested in.
During the day I was busy and felt tired and thought to myself, "maybe I should just skip it all today, go home, eat some dinner, and waste time online or something. Things aren't going great, and do I really want to spend all that time driving out to an event and then driving back and all that gas money and blah blah blah."
But, at the end of the day, I thought to myself: why not. Would sure beat moping by myself at home playing silly games.
So I got out of work around 6pm. Too late to make the first event. Besides, that required signing up online and I hadn't gotten around to that. So I got in my car and started out to Rocklin. As I've previously mentioned, I often do some of my weirdest introspective thinking while driving or biking. So I struggled with some things and plotted out some other things and analyzed whether it was all my fault. Got in, parked, found the building, and got a seat.
For context, the event was Francis Chan giving a light talk with a Q&A. For those who know nothing about him (like I did prior to this event), he's a fairly dynamic speaker in Christian groups. He's written a few very successful books. He's pastoring a church in San Francisco specifically targeting training and raising up disciples who, if necessary, could stand on their own and learn from the Bible independently. He has quite the backstory and is very insightful on a variety of topics. Several times he would talk about going back and reading through the Bible to check and try to figure out if he had made a mistake in interpretation when presented with new arguments.
Overall, it was good. There were a lot of very challenging points. He shared some very interesting stories and said some very smart things. And while it was very good and helped reset me a bit, that's not the point of this post.
All this setup is to talk about the others who showed up. The banter before and after. Having people around that were willing to share their thoughts, talk about their lives, and were interested in your life and well-being. Even though some of them I had only met a few times, and one I met the first time that night, in the span of a few minutes we were open and willing to share.
And that really healed me.
To know that there were people that didn't keep me around for my abilities. Seeing in action people that cared about each other and who cared about you. Not just a few smiles and handshakes and saying "how are you?" without really caring. Honestly talking about what they thought, some of their personal struggles. Asking about what was going on and bantering about locale eateries. But it wasn't surface sharing of information. It wasn't "look what I know." It was in the context of people caring about each other, and caring about me.
And that's incredible.
If you are not part of a community that does this yet, you really, really need to find one. It has pulled me out of so many funks. I more often than not leave with a little extra spring in my step and a happier outlook on life. It enables me to try again after the fifteenth failure.
That's not to say it doesn't fail sometimes. There have been days I went, looking for a little taste of community, and only got friendly smiles. There have been moments when I felt myself or those around me only showboating trying to get in their thoughts so that others would think better of them. Trying to be an amazing community all the time takes effort! From all the members involved! But at its core if you care about others and they care about you it can flow naturally.
So, I heartily recommend plugging into and contributing to a community. Not a social group. Not a forum. Not a group of people who share an interest. A community that lives and breathes and builds each other up and pours out their life into each other. Because it's amazing.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
How Informed Are You?
As I mentioned in a previous post, confirmation bias is a serious problem. It is the effect of paying attention to information and evidence that reinforces your beliefs, and dismissing ones that don't. This has been exacerbated recently with the internet where we can easily search for stories that help reinforce our viewpoint. It is accelerating as our searches are custom-tailored to our tastes, allowing us to start to live in a bubble of information that we find pleasing.
So, perhaps as a rational smart person you'd rather be "right" instead of being lead by the nose down a path by your own delusions. Great! Time to look at both sides, right? Walk a mile in someone else's shoes! Well, then you should start gathering information that is in opposition to your views. If you're a liberal, start reading conservative blogs and articles. If you're a Christian, get some atheist literature, or Muslim literature, or something else besides the feel-good Christian stuff.
Minor problem. There is a high chance that being exposed to contrary information will just make you dig in your heels even more. Oops.
So, let's assume you want to be well informed on both sides of the arguments and be able to make a correct decision based on all the facts. As a result you start gathering information from both sides, and are now surrounded by the different sides. But, you now also know you will probably sabotage yourself by dismissing the opposition. How do we get around this?
Well, there are two steps. The first is to seriously empathize with the opposition. Try to understand that as crazy as they may sound to you, it is highly likely they sound completely sane to themselves. It is a rare event that people will intentionally lie to you. No, there isn't a liberal conspiracy in the media nor a conservative conspiracy to make all businesses crush humanity. No those soundbites of tactics you heard from that one person isn't about brainwashing people. The majority of people are honest individuals. Except politicians. They're all liars.
This means that you actually read the articles and listen carefully and try to understand the underlying reasons behind the piece. Don't look for flaws in their logic. Don't Google for your side's response. Carefully step into their shoes and try to understand why they would say the things they say. And do not do this for the purpose of undermining their reasoning. Assuming someone said these things because they're crazy or deluded is a horrible system. They may be self-deluded, but there must be a reason for the delusion and a method to the madness. Be careful that you do not assume people are just misinformed or stupid. You end up just feeding your own confirmation bias. Instead, give a concerted effort to understand them, to get inside their head, and assume they arrived at their position by rational means. Thinking "they must have been tricked and deluded themselves, how sad and I pity them" only puts their argument at a lower standing than yours, and that is not the point of this exercise. The point is to realize when your own bias can be blinding you to the answer.
The second step is to keep bombarding yourself until you are uncomfortable. If you truly are considering the opposition's stance, you should feel very uneasy. Our minds do not like trying to hold two opposing views in tension, so if you start to feel discomfort hold on to that feeling, it means you are taking both sides seriously. If you are not in a constant state of pain and discomfort about your views and the views of those around you, you might be sliding into a confirmation bias fueled complacency or have built yourself a nice bubble.
Gosh, this all sounds really hard! You expect me to not only take the time to research both sides, but to then analyze the thinking behind them, try to become those people, and be in a constant state of discomfort about my own views? This is super lame! And exactly why people are building bubbles for themselves.
For my own part, taking this route has yielded me some very interesting changes. I used to think I was a slightly conservative person, but still very moderate. Now, I know just how insulated I had become. I have reversed my views on several issues, and can now defend either side of several debates. It is a funny thing when I enter into a debate and end up fighting against both sides. Frankly I take it as a sign that I must be doing something right. Now, I won't say I am completely "right". That kind of claim is foolish. And I'm sure several of my friends see me as either too conservative or too liberal or just too plain stupid. But I have actually come to enjoy standing somewhere close to the middle. It is an unfortunately shrinking region these days, but I hope others will join me.
So, perhaps as a rational smart person you'd rather be "right" instead of being lead by the nose down a path by your own delusions. Great! Time to look at both sides, right? Walk a mile in someone else's shoes! Well, then you should start gathering information that is in opposition to your views. If you're a liberal, start reading conservative blogs and articles. If you're a Christian, get some atheist literature, or Muslim literature, or something else besides the feel-good Christian stuff.
Minor problem. There is a high chance that being exposed to contrary information will just make you dig in your heels even more. Oops.
So, let's assume you want to be well informed on both sides of the arguments and be able to make a correct decision based on all the facts. As a result you start gathering information from both sides, and are now surrounded by the different sides. But, you now also know you will probably sabotage yourself by dismissing the opposition. How do we get around this?
Well, there are two steps. The first is to seriously empathize with the opposition. Try to understand that as crazy as they may sound to you, it is highly likely they sound completely sane to themselves. It is a rare event that people will intentionally lie to you. No, there isn't a liberal conspiracy in the media nor a conservative conspiracy to make all businesses crush humanity. No those soundbites of tactics you heard from that one person isn't about brainwashing people. The majority of people are honest individuals. Except politicians. They're all liars.
This means that you actually read the articles and listen carefully and try to understand the underlying reasons behind the piece. Don't look for flaws in their logic. Don't Google for your side's response. Carefully step into their shoes and try to understand why they would say the things they say. And do not do this for the purpose of undermining their reasoning. Assuming someone said these things because they're crazy or deluded is a horrible system. They may be self-deluded, but there must be a reason for the delusion and a method to the madness. Be careful that you do not assume people are just misinformed or stupid. You end up just feeding your own confirmation bias. Instead, give a concerted effort to understand them, to get inside their head, and assume they arrived at their position by rational means. Thinking "they must have been tricked and deluded themselves, how sad and I pity them" only puts their argument at a lower standing than yours, and that is not the point of this exercise. The point is to realize when your own bias can be blinding you to the answer.
The second step is to keep bombarding yourself until you are uncomfortable. If you truly are considering the opposition's stance, you should feel very uneasy. Our minds do not like trying to hold two opposing views in tension, so if you start to feel discomfort hold on to that feeling, it means you are taking both sides seriously. If you are not in a constant state of pain and discomfort about your views and the views of those around you, you might be sliding into a confirmation bias fueled complacency or have built yourself a nice bubble.
Gosh, this all sounds really hard! You expect me to not only take the time to research both sides, but to then analyze the thinking behind them, try to become those people, and be in a constant state of discomfort about my own views? This is super lame! And exactly why people are building bubbles for themselves.
For my own part, taking this route has yielded me some very interesting changes. I used to think I was a slightly conservative person, but still very moderate. Now, I know just how insulated I had become. I have reversed my views on several issues, and can now defend either side of several debates. It is a funny thing when I enter into a debate and end up fighting against both sides. Frankly I take it as a sign that I must be doing something right. Now, I won't say I am completely "right". That kind of claim is foolish. And I'm sure several of my friends see me as either too conservative or too liberal or just too plain stupid. But I have actually come to enjoy standing somewhere close to the middle. It is an unfortunately shrinking region these days, but I hope others will join me.
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