The Problem with Saying You're Sorry

I've noted something interesting. A lot of people say "Oops, I'm sorry" or "I need to work on that." This can be something skill based, like your macro in Starcraft 2. It could also be something you did, like cheating. The problem is not everyone actually makes a change.

We seem to fall into the trap that saying "I'm sorry" is so powerful and special that often times it's enough to just bow your head in humility. And in response we reciprocate and forgive the offending party. End of story?

No.

The problems persist. They aggravate and we just keep going "oops" and walking away. Sometimes it's just a personality quirk in a friend, like a certain catch phrase or driving technique. Other times it's a habitual problem that ruins lives, like infidelity.

We really need to look for the core problem and fix it.

Sean Plott (Day[9]) does a show on learning to be better at Starcraft 2 and has a segment every week called Newbie Tuesday. On one recent episode he comments that you shouldn't just say, "Oh, I need to work on my macro" you need to find out what was wrong and fix it. In his example game he shows the player forgetting to always produce workers, a critical error that slows down your resource collection throughout the match. He even comments that saying, "Oh, I should work on always making workers" is insufficient. Make a plan and execute it. For example, keep that building on a hotkey and constantly check it ALL GAME EVERY SECOND. Excessive? Sure. Real Pros at the game know when to jump to the building and make a new one. But you're not a pro, and this plan will ensure you will always be making workers.

Similarly I often fall into the trap of not listening intently. "Oh, I should work on that" sounds good, and apologies to all parties injured by my negligence are nice, but really I have to focus on the core issue. I think whatever I'm doing is more important. Obviously the other person will remind me later and I'll remember it then, right? WRONG. So to train myself, I need to always give my full attention every time someone talks to me. Even in the middle of doing other things, drop it and give my full attention. Also, taking up note taking so I don't have to rely on my sometimes spotty memory. Sure I may only mess up remembering things 10% of the time, but sometimes those are critical things I forget.

It's really odd how we've fallen into this trap. Are apologies so rare and forgiveness so foreign that we feel sufficiently absolved when we use them? Perhaps. It's often a huge story any time someone gives a formal apology. Instead we seem to focus on saving face properly and weaseling out of the situation. Or perhaps it's just short-term reverence and really we don't care when we apologize? I hope not, because I've been fairly sincere every time I apologize.

Are there areas you need to finally make a plan to fix? How do you evaluate what the core issues are in your life?