Elliot Rodger: It's not Just About the Sex, Christians

Elliot Rodger is kinda a jerk. Putting aside the horrendous actions he committed, he is also a product of a very pervasive cultural lie. He bought into a very radical logical conclusion of something we tell all boys and men. The premise: if you don't have sex, you're not a man. And as a good man, you deserve sex.

Several good friends have posted some great articles about the topic. Here's one about the backlash to the backlash to the backlash: #YesAllWomen. Here's a great one about how nerd culture reinforces this: Your Princess is in Another Castle. (thanks Sabreen). Or another piece targeting the fundamental issue of hyper-masculinity in our culture: Elliot Rodger and the Price of Toxic Masculinity.

However, there's another response that cropped up recently. "If masculinity is defined by sexual immorality then it is a warped definition of masculinity." The allusion is that the way of sexual purity is the answer and correct definition of masculinity. Specifically the Christian one (disclaimer: cis-hetero middle-class Christian virgin male checking in).

I would argue that no, Christian Purity Culture is not the One True Answer for all the woes laid here.

Why? Because here are some of the lines of reasoning that have been taught in churches. I won't cover them in depth, just mention them. And let me be the first to say I still fall into some of these traps.

• If you aren't married, then you aren't a real mature man yet, and therefore shouldn't be given real ministry responsibilities.
• If you have pre-maritial sex, you are broken and polluted and used goods.
• Sex is AMAZING so you should want it. Masturbation is bad. Thus, the only gateway to sex is marriage, so if you want to have sex, better get married ASAP (Ring by Spring is a thing).
• Since God is taking care of His People, and marriage is good, if you aren't married by your mid-20s -- or, gasp, 30s -- something must be wrong with you.

And, of course, if I followed The Plan, I am a good Christian, and therefore deserve a hot smokin' wife and we will bang our way to Paradise. For serious.

See, it's not the problem that we aren't all sexually pure beings that is ruining things. The real root of what is going on, in this case, is Entitlement.

Elliot Rodgers explicitly mentions that he deserves sex. Since women are the gatekeepers of sex, and have denied him sex, they are the enemy and must be punished. They have emasculated him. And thus his only manly recourse is through violence. See the logic? That as a stand-up gentleman he has suffered the lowly status of not-banging-all-the-hot-chicks and his outburst of violence was punishment and righteous retribution for them denying his mandated birthright as a MAN.

Bullshit.

There are many things I feel the individual is mandated as a basic right. Chance to work, good education, basic safety net via either social or governmental means. Sex ain't one of them.

Nerds, just because you've been outcast doesn't mean you are deserved your comeuppance and bang the hot girl who suddenly realizes she's been wrong all along to spurn your advances.

Even in the Bible, God never promises you're going to marry and get steamy times between the covers. Heck, Paul in his letters even mentions his ideal is we all remain celibate (that topic deserves its own post to unpack, but let me leave this here).

And above all, by being denied it, you are NOT required to reassert your masculinity through other means. Especially through violence.

Because sex is not a checkbox. It is not a status symbol to have or lose your virginity. It is a mutual act of submission and intimacy between two fully realized, self-actualizing, empowered individuals. Each with their own agency. Each with their own intricate desires and needs and dreams. It is not something you do on someone. It is not tied to your masculine identity.

Secular or religious, you are NOT entitled to sex. And we should stop tying masculinity to men's sexual prowess. Or, if you're Christian, lack of sexual exploits. Same difference.

"Authenticity" versus "Holiness"

The Gospel coalition has an article today about the rise of 'Authenticity' in the church.

In general I agree with the overall sentiment. Right now there is a groundswell of people exalting "authentic" and sharing about our "brokenness." Which, overall, is a good thing. Casting Crowns even had a lovely song of critique that Church is just a Stained Glass Masquerade where too often we act like we have it all. So the fact people are finally opening up about their hurts and getting healing from an open community is good.

But at the same time, as this article notes, there's a sweet spot. Share something too small ("I struggle with lying about my age!") and people ignore you. Share too far and too heavy and people buckle ("I have a crack addiction and murder people every night!"). So once again we are playing a social game. Finding the just-right point. People with the biggest hurts or those who "have their life together" get marginalized. It's counter to the whole movement of inclusive community.


On top of that is the downward cyclical cycle it can create. Everyone starts sharing and saying how low they are, and how we are stuck as the scum of the earth, and soon that's your identity. Being scum becomes your identity. We fall into the trap of just co-ruminating about our faults and take on being broken as our identity, just making us depressed and continuing the cycle. [bonus reference, footnote #10 from here] Plus, TGC deftly provides this snippet to illustrate:

"While we think self-deprecation causes us to be more relatable and empathetic to non-Christians, it's ultimately communicating a sense of disappointment, disillusionment, and discontentment," Stephen Mattson wrote for Red Letter Christians. "It thrives on negativity and kills our sense of hope."

TGC claims the answer is to instead pursue "Holiness." Elevate the pursuit of the perfect. Yes, provide room for the broken aspects, but don't stop there. Keep moving towards Holiness.

TGC further claims that true Authenticity is the process of sanctification. The growth towards Holiness. The question is rhetorically posed, "could it be that the most authentic thing any of us can do is faithfully pursue holiness and obediently follow after Christ?"

As I said at the start, overall I agree and it is a good message. It also helps point out some of the traps and flaws I see rising up around me as people single-mindedly pursue "Authenticity" in the church. Airing all your problems. People co-opting the movement to grandstand about their problems and use them for attention. Being stuck just complaining and never doing anything. All great points that people should keep in mind!


But I also perceive that we aren't far enough to have concern. The "Authentic" movement is still relatively young. And it still hasn't addressed some of the more serious underlying problems plaguing people. I previously mentioned that even in "Authentic" circles you aren't allowed to go too far with your sharing. There is the unspoken rule that you don't derail the group with your giant baggage load. That is still something for "behind closed doors." And that is just born from common sense and social contract. But at the same time too many people leave because they feel like there's no way for them to share. We don't have the "behind closed doors" spaces fully open and available. So people who are hurt and marginalized by their sins and past instead turn elsewhere.

What is especially painful is TGC's claim that "We've become too comfortable with our sin, to the point that it's how we identify ourselves and relate to others. But shouldn't we find connection over Christ, rather than over our depravity?" Perhaps. That's quite a laudable goal. But at the same time the human condition is defined by being broken. We all struggle with sin and I find the strongest characteristic about the Church is accepting people who have struggles and walking alongside them. That means that sometimes the best people are those who are broken in the same way! When you are struggling with a secret sin and then find out that someone else struggles or has struggled with it, you have an instant connection. A massive load is released. You realize this person gets you in a way others do not. Ignoring this aspect of the human condition, our ability to have empathy especially with those who have the same wounds as us, would be foolish.

Lastly, what is wrong with an image of a community of broken but struggling individuals? The veneer of happy smiling families with 2.5 children, a dog, and a white picket fence isn't what wins people into the Church. Holier-than-thou and look-what-I-have doesn't bridge the gaps. To me, being vulnerable and being there for people in their hurt does. Saying "I am just like you, but I am empowered to be better" is a much better testimony than "God has blessed me with a perfect life." Because, let's be honest, you don't have a perfect life.

Oh, and the reason there is a sentiment of discontent and disillusionment? It's because we pretended we were perfect and had all the answers too long. It's because we live in a multi-religious Post-christian plurality. It's because the Church mortgaged away people's trust. It's because they decided it was time to die on a hill for things outside their jurisdiction too many times. It's the economy. It's wars. It's the whole broken bloody world. But that's another whole rant.

So my point is yes I have seen these problems. And I agree that just staying in the comforting and accepting rut isn't healthy. And definitely there are some places where this is a seductive niche hole and people should fix it. But I personally don't feel like the church at large is fully servicing the range of brokenness in the community and providing safe places for people to share and receive care yet. So we should focus on doing more of that instead of clucking our tongues. "Authenticity" hasn't supplanted "Holiness." And that's actually a bit of a problem.

Finding a Niche(?)

I was listening to the You are Not So Smart Podcast on culture and at 18:30 the guest shares an interesting story about the difference between the Middle-class culture and Working-class culture. You should go listen to the original source, but I'll reproduce the highlights here.

The guest Hazel Markus gives the broad definition of Middle-class being college-educated and Working-class lacking a college education. In general the Middle-class will tend to have more autonomous work, probably moved away for college, and develop a culture about what influence and choices they make. Their culture develops around autonomy and individualism. They are more likely to be independent and choose their relationships. In contrast the Working-class individual will tend to have more directed work, probably stayed local, have less control, and less autonomy. They have to be responsive to other people and pay attention to what others are doing and telling them to do. So their culture starts to develop more around conforming to others' view of themselves and collectivism.

So Hazel performed a study where the subject was given the scenario that they were buying a car. They had just spent several weeks or months doing the research and picking out the exact car they want. They purchase it and are proud and drive over to show it off to their friend. The next day they learn that the same friend went out and bought the exact same car. The subject was then asked how they feel.

They got two completely different sets of responses. (Surprise!)

The Middle-class group became indignant. "I can't believe you did that! You spoiled my point of differentiation! You spoiled my uniqueness! I wanted to have this car be something special that identified me!"

The Working-class group reacted completely different. "That is so cool! I would love it if my buddy got a car like me! We could start one of those car clubs!"

See the difference? Their senses of self are completely different. Middle-class independent college-educated pick-what-you-want people develop a sense of self that is based around uniqueness. To them their identity is borne out of them being special and finding their own niche. They like to exercise meaningful choices. Their friend getting the same car as them was crowding them out! Working-class individuals develop a sense of self that is based around community. They fit into a group and see themselves as identified by their peers and friends. Getting the same car wasn't violating their boundaries, it was validating their decision! They have an interdependent sense of self.

Since this was a podcast about the culture you are born into changing you (they also talk about how growing up Southern makes you more belligerent and willing to resort to violence in response to an affront to your honor), they traced it back to the kind of culture the two groups live within. A Middle-class person has more choices available and a society that rewards unique extroverted signalling. You think about your behavior in the context of being choices [1]. This lines up with other research and postulations about how we started selecting for extroverts as we migrated to cities. You didn't have time to figure out a person, so you latched on to the strongest signals you could find. The Working-class person one lives in a work environment where they have to be mindful of others, understand interpersonal dynamics a bit more, and has longer-term connections that they have to adhere to and maintain. They live in a culture where they have less "choice" in the matter and don't see common behaviors in a context of choosing.

The concept of a niche, which is what it appears the Middle-class group is creating, isn't noteworthy. Darwin postulated that a reason for speciation was populations finding new niches with unique resources for them to exploit. Instead of competing with other similar birds, if you are better equipped to find sustenance on a different food source or can do your nesting using different materials, eventually your population diverges to maximize the utilization of those unique aspects. In a similar manner humans specialize. You may be well equipped to be an athlete but not an artist, so naturally you specialize in maximizing your athletic ability in order to show fitness and earn income. And since you are an amazing athlete, instead of competing with you as a subpar athlete, someone else with a disposition towards being an artist will fill that gap and become an artist.

An interesting expansion of this has come about due to the higher density of interactions we have today. Not only do we tend to live in bustling cities but we also have the Internet to see the actions and niches others have carved out. So to "survive" increasingly many of use try to find a niche to call our own. Seems logical based on social evolution right?

But notice how this assumes you are competing for resources. The second Working-class group may compete, but they also allow their characteristics to form bonds and communities. You're an athlete? Awesome, I love being an athlete! Let's be athletes together! See you on the court in two hours. There is a stronger trend towards companionship and looking for things to share. You no longer compete for friendships, you live out friendships.

Obviously both parties will take on the others' traits. The first Middle-class group still gets together over beers in the pub or go out dancing together and geek out about random topics. The Working-class still utilize differentiation signaling often buying extraordinarily expensive articles of clothing [2]. But this is about how you conceptualize your sense of self. Your default majority perspective. Do you value being different and unique more? Or do you value having common interests you can share more?

Personally this thinking was a bit eye-opening since I belong to the former group. I'm college-educated, I've moved quite far from my hometown, I get to pick-and-choose. But I always wondered how some of these other individuals around me were able to invest so heavily in their relationships and have this strong sense of camaraderie even with seemingly disparate individuals. I once mused a long time ago on this blog that the strongest unifier is a common enemy. But other powerful forces help bind these communities together. Their very sense of self being entwined with community and peers shapes their relationships into ones of an interwoven braid.

I have built much of my sense of self in terms of my unique talents. I can list a million different things that I have sampled in search for unique identifiers and niches. Over the past few months on several occasions others have intruded on some of those aspects and I internally recoiled. That field was supposed to be mine! I am the resource and the harbinger and the authority! How dare this upstart crowd me out! Sounds silly in retrospect, but these are real guttural feelings. And looking back I can see how this mindset has influenced much of my actions. I shied away from things where there were already champions since I saw myself in conflict and only offering a subpar commodity. I didn't see it as joining them, unless as a disciple. I only saw the end-game as being the best in my own niche.

So I wouldn't commit. I would let interests wane. Only after feeling out the field would I try it out with gusto, either because I could accept being in the subservient position or because no other authority would challenge my position. And in fields that I enjoyed but still not the best, I would always defer and be demure about it, pointing people towards the true masters in the field and noting how unworthy I was to take their glory. And only in secret would I train.

I obviously have couched these in extraordinarily self-depreciating terms, so let us think about the upsides for a moment. I have an amazing repertoire of features and interests. I synthesize passions for music and the arts with science and technology within a paradigm of religion and philosophy. I have been referred to as a "know-it-all" in a reverent manner. I can share interesting conversations with almost anyone on almost any subject (except sports. OMG you guys are a whole extra level of geekery). That's pretty insane! This has taught me humility as I always understand many, many others are always better than me. I have molded myself into a crazy weird amalgamation of interests, hobbies, trivia, personality, and so much more. And being unique is good! I love being an individual who feels like they contribute a unique perspective and set of talents to my circle of friends. I also have the capability to step outside my buzz and analyze myself, tweaking components and planning my route to being a better person.

So as part of this charted course, I'd like to remove my sense of self that requires me to be a unique autonomous individual. I'd like to take on the mindset a bit more that shared interests and aptitudes are not a battlefield of competition and thus conflict for supremacy and hierarchy. I'd like to stop struggling to find a niche to call my own and a kingdom to defend. My image of the self should move towards one that is reinforced by my peers and shared experiences.

Wish me luck. =D


[1] Another weird study. They asked two groups to write down all the choices they had made that morning. The Middle-class group wrote down twice as many items as the Working-class group. They probably did similar things, but the former group sees behavior as choice!

[2] This doubles as signaling within their society that they have more means and resources while also flaunting individual style, and thus a niche, and as noted in the article signaling to those more well-to-do that they aren't like the other poorer individuals and should be allowed to participate in their exclusive world.

[EDIT][3] Another plausible source of the collectivism vs autonomy is cultural. I happen to know the cultures of Asia, Latin America, and Russia tend to be more collectivism-minded whereas Western Europe and the US are more geared towards individualism. So that's likely also a major factor, and not just job type. Something extra to chew on.

Look For What's Missing

I remember when I first moved out to Folsom. It wasn't the first time I moved. After settling into work and a basic routine I started looking for groups to join. Near the top of my list was a Christian community for young unmarried adults. These are amazingly rare. Church after church mentioned their collegiate hangouts or their adult studies or a young married group, but no one seemed to have a young adult one. I was becoming a little discouraged. When I finally came upon one, I decided to put it to the test. I would see if they were genuinely interested in me. Who would greet and ask me to events? Would they care when I didn't show up? Were they truly interested in investing in me?

Lucky for Fusion, they have a few notable smiling people who take it upon themselves to greet and connect people to the community. I was soon awash with invites to random events from the official car wash fundraiser to more mundane picnic activities and birthdays. For a while, that was good. I slowly figured out people's names and had a full schedule of events. But doubt crept back in. The majority of the events seemed to be mass invites. When I setup an event I mass-invited the whole Facebook network. Was I merely building a large pool of bodies so I wouldn't have to stand alone in the party?

So I tried another set of experiments. If I intentionally withdrew who would notice? If I disappeared from Facebook would anyone comment? Did I exert enough "pull" on the social group that my absence of presence would register?

I remember a guest speaker we once had at Catalyst. I forget most of his talk, and for now I'll call him Wesley since I forgot his name, but I do remember one anecdote he shared. When he was younger there were the cool dudes of his youth group. They would hang out together and share stories about the radical things they did throughout the week. Wesley felt left out and always wanted to somehow get into the cool kids circle. He thought that perhaps if he became cool enough they would invite him. It didn't work. Finally he decided to make his own cool kids circle. He would invite people to events and make his own circle of friends to share radical things with. He switched from being on the outside looking in to building his own inner circle. He didn't need the "cool kids." He didn't have to wait to get invited. He just needed to reach out and make friends. That revelation sticks with me.

As humans we respond to positive stimuli. When we feel hungry we seek food. When someone is talking to us we devote our attention to them. We are much, much worse at identifying the absence of sudden stimuli. I do not spend most of my day noticing how not-hungry I am. It is in the rare case you are isolated in a dark and silent room that you realize how much ambient noise you are constantly filtering out in your everyday life. You focus on the road while driving. We notice the well-dressed or horribly dressed. The average, the normal, the background gets filtered out.

A few months ago my co-workers were playing Ultimate Frisbee. I put down my keys, phone, water bottle, and my silver ring on the field. People on occasion have asked about my silver ring. I wear it on my left hand on the middle finger. It is a Sterling Silver band with the word "Purity" engraved onto it. I've had it since High School. It's a great little reminder to myself and an interesting conversation starter with others. But on this particular day when we moved off the field I grabbed everything except my ring. We never found it in the field that day. So for the last two months I haven't been wearing the ring. No one has made a comment about its absence. Not even my family when I visited them. I'm not sure people have noticed.

We respond the same way to social stimuli. According to Facebook I have 577 Friends. I only interact with at most around 20 per day. But I'm not crippled with missing the other 500+ I don't see for months on end. We respond to active stimuli and filter out the absences. There are exceptions, such as missing one of my co-workers who shipped out. But eventually that subsides. We require constant incidental interactions to build up and maintain relationships.

Of course, it doesn't have to be this way. We can choose to be more aware of what's missing. In this interesting blog post the author Kristin notices we are driven to proactively fill the gaps and holes in our lives. But sometimes while trying to stuff ourselves full we don't take the time to truly understand why the gap was there in the first place. Or, as she puts it, "What’s missing quickly becomes buried under the ever-growing pile of what’s there." Common gaps include acceptance, love, recognition, and stability. Being aware of our bias towards positive stimuli can lead us to also look around a little more at what is lacking. Then we can pursue the root cause and not just treat the symptoms.

Taking this to a social context, this has two major implications. First, be active in making friends. Do not wait for people to "notice" you. Very, very few people have enough of a magnetic personality or such shining skills that they draw critical acclaim just by standing there. Instead, people get to know people who take time and effort to interact with them. This is much harder than passively waiting. But relationships take effort. Do not rely on people magically discovering you're a diamond in the rough. And yes, this will mean you will fail. People will turn down invites, or eventually you'll realize you're the only one putting effort into the relationship. But it also opens up so many potential great relationships with amazing people who invest in you as well.

On the flip side, don't feel bad about being left out. Friends will drift apart, and sometimes you can't salvage it. Sometimes people will just plumb forget your appointment. It happens. It is not a slight towards you per se. So always remember to give a modicum of grace before firing off an angry spurt onto social media. People don't respond to neutral well, so be able to forgive them.

The second corollary is be aware of negative space. For example, look around for people who are a bit more withdrawn. They don't understand this bias yet, and maybe one is just waiting to be discovered. Be that discoverer. Also, be aware of your own negative space. If the only thing you talk about is negative things going on in your life, people will think you're a negative person. If the only thing you post on Twitter is trivial nonsense, people might assume you're full of trivial nonsense. This is completely unfair, but be aware of it. I personally only post interesting things I find to Facebook and rarely anything personal. Obviously this doesn't mean I don't have personal things to share, but I just don't like blasting it out to everyone unless it's important.

As in all my advice pieces, I caution you from taking this too far. There is a distinct inverse relationship between believing in a meritocracy and feelings of self-worth. I am not saying the more you do the more friends you will have. I am not even saying the more gaps you see the more happy you will be. And I know several people who are already aware of this bias and performing admirably at watching out for those who are absent. But I encourage you to take a moment to reflect and see if this is a blind spot you can address.

In closing, I leave you with the cliche phrase "Be the change that you wish to see in the world."* Be proactive, be that friendly person, go out and show the world instead of waiting for it to discover you.



* This was apparently never said by Ghandi. He actually said, "If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. ... We need not wait to see what others do." which removes the implicit that social change can be a result of solely personal change. Still means they go hand-in-hand though.

Re-Learning Snowboarding

Last year I picked up a season pass for snow up in Tahoe. Over the course of the winter season I managed to make it up to the mountains nine different times. By the end of the season I was thoroughly enjoying myself racing down the slopes at breakneck speeds in the cool air.

This was the first season back on the slopes in over six years. Back in High School I went up a few times, becoming proficient at carving to some degree. It was enough times that I bought boots (to make sure I never had to deal with rental boots) but I never got my own board nor would I have considered myself very good. Competent so I wasn't sitting on my arse the whole way down, but not good.

Starting out this season was, well, rough. Thankfully not sit-in-snow painful. I still remembered how to strap in and get on/off the lift. But pretty much any edge transition at any reasonable speed resulted in a face of snow. Well, except when it was ice. And there was a lot of ice early this year. Ow... Making life even more miserable was that I knew I used to be better and all my friends were WAY better than me. The first few times we went up to the slopes I had to sit out a few runs and let my legs recover from the wear while they continued to shred it up. And before you go "oh you wimp" it was burning-up-doing-wallsits-of-doom feeling in my legs. My main concern actually was "will I make it down the mountain before I collapse" late in the day on a few of those early trips. Talk about being out of shape. Talk about painful "ugh, this is annoying and frustrating" and being very, very sore the next day.

Eventually I got better. Like, noticeably better. I started falling a lot less. I gained endurance by leaps and bounds. I began to be able to read the snow to anticipate drifts or patches of ice. Slowly the safety margin I gave myself to make a turn or avoid someone shrank from several feet into a few board widths. On several occasions I decided to just straightline, no breaking, and let out a huge whoop as I reached maximum speed. Near the end of the season I was ripping down some decent slopes, tried out the Half Pipe, trekked through some serious backcountry with tight trees, and felt like I was having a blast from start to finish.

None of this involved mental thinking. Careful pondering sorta helped. But really the majority of the learning was pure muscle memory. Naturally catching my balance when I hit a bump. Getting the feel of a run or an edge. Intuitively saying "I want to be there" and guiding myself there perfectly. Sure I set goals and intentionally pushed my limits. We had a phrase "if you're not falling you're not learning." But 90% of the learning was all instinct and subconscious.

In the same way a lot of life isn't about the pondering we do at a desk or in a chair. Sometimes you have to balls-to-the-wall and get out there.

Initial Conditions

I was having a discussion two weeks ago and the subject of logic came up. Logic is a very powerful tool and the basis of sound arguments. Knowing, identifying, and calling out rhetorical and logical fallacies is extremely crucial to ensure a discussion stays on track and stays evidence based. However, someone brought up the fact that logic isn't sufficient. Otherwise we would have solved a lot more problems long ago by following Kant's Maxism philosophy. Most of what we talk about is based on logic built upon very specific, fundamental, a priori value systems. They are the input to the logical arguments, and the logical ramifications follow from them. And when your initial values logically lead to very unsavory or non-empirical conclusions, you can trace it all back and conclude that initial condition was wrong or misguided.

This got me thinking where else the initial conditions really mess with things. Obviously from math there's chaotic systems where the slightest deviation creates wildly different results. Plus there are the clear scientific chemical reactions. Wood + Gas != Wood + Gas + FIRE. Very, very different end results. Also the a priori postulates that we use to form the basis of logic and math, like Euclidian Geometry. Pick a different set of a priori constants, and the whole system changes.

But let's think about some other, more life applicable things. (OK, yes, making fire is super life applicable. Just went to a party and some people didn't know how to start a fire. *sad*) For example, there are two major ways to look at the transitory nature of life. On one hand you can become detached and say "everything will change anyways." Or you can grasp a hold of every unique moment as it comes. Or how children with two working parents who aren't around turn out so differently. Some become extremely responsible taking care of themselves. Others go a little crazy without the authority figures around to help rein them in. Or heck, look at political debates. Both sides can see the same set of data (assuming your pollsters aren't jerks and cherry-picking, but that's another rant) and yet come to completely different sets of conclusions.

Let us do a concrete example. A friend of mine was offered a part-time position at $32.50/hr. Doing the math, that's around $67,600/yr on a 40-hr workweek. That kind of yearly salary easily puts a single person in the top quarter of household earning in the US. Combined with a spouse at that same rate, you're in the top 10% (source). That is pretty awesome for the majority of people, and most of my other friends would kill for a part-time wage that high. But he turned it down. Why? Because he feels that he can demand a higher wage due to his profession; especially if he lands a full-time job. His initial conditions also include the fact this would be the second part-time job he took, and eat up precious time during the week. So while the majority of people might jump at the chance for that extra income, he places greater value in his time and potential income from a full-time position.

In math and science, these initial conditions are the postulates. We assume them to be true, and within that self-consistent framework they are true. For example, Euclidian Geometry serves us very well. Much of physics was based on this framework. Unfortunately, one of those postulates is the Parallel Postulate, or that if two lines bisect another line at right angles, they won't ever meet. (OK, he actually said, "That, if a straight line falling on two straight lines make the interior angles on the same side less than two right angles, the two straight lines, if produced indefinitely, meet on that side on which are the angles less than the two right angles" so what I said is the converse) Unfortunately, it turns out this only works in a flat plane. Space-time turns out to not be flat. And so science had to figure out a new set of postulates to properly model the universe, and Relativity was born.

Not understanding initial conditions is the reason people often argue past each other. If you start with a specific initial condition, say you believe America is in decline, then you are strongly predisposed to evidence that supports that ideology. You reflexively agree with data that supports your position, and then go in and critique or rationalize away data and anecdotes that contradict. I have seen people actively seek out a small flaw in an argument whether it be tone or the person presenting is looks funny and conclude the entire argument is false (i.e. actively employ the Fallacy Fallacy). This predisposition to embrace incidents that support your theory and ignore counter evidence is called Confirmation Bias. And when someone challenges your precious position, they have to first navigate all the facts you've amassed that support your theory. Or you completely miss each other since you are working from totally different reference frames. In a better argument, you need to get to the core initial conditions, the basic postulates, properly define them, and work out their differences and merits.

One classic example of two sides talking past each other is the old thought fielded by some Creationists. The argument goes that the Theory of Evolution, since it prescribes order (life) from chaos (random chemicals+energy), violates the basic Laws of Thermodynamics which say Entropy must increase. This makes perfect sense to the Creationist and they can't see why people would support Evolution when it clearly goes against fundamental Physics. When you study the argument though, it's a misuse of what the theory actually says, which is local entropy can decrease as long as it is offset by external entropy such that the entropy in the universe increases. So the Evolutionist can't see with the Creationist would be so blind and support Creationism.

And this "misunderstanding" happens all the time in arguments. How many times have you looked at someone's stance and shook your head going "only crazy people would believe that." Have you tried to figure it out? In college I didn't know too much about politics except that there were two parties and George Bush (and later Obama) was in power. I heard about the Religious Right and started to wonder about a Religious Left. Turns out there is one (but they prefer to go by the name Christian Left). When I first looked at their Wikipedia article, I shook my head. I read about how they valued love, grace, and social justice more than upholding morality and justice. Being a very injured person myself, I thought this was extraordinarily naive. "Sure love is important, but Hard Love is still Love," I would say. "I want what's best for them, and without correction they can't see the light!" This concept of just loving people regardless seemed completely crazy to me. I read more of their articles written for their audience and was shocked at how they shook their head and called people like me buffoons, idiots, bigots, and misogynist jerkwads. It all seemed like a bunch of naive assholes, who didn't understand my life and my way of thinking, having a big old laugh at my expense in their ivory tower. But later as I dug into their core tenants I eventually found myself agreeing more and more with their concepts and logic. I finally teased out the core initial conditions and their implications, and came to adopt a few as my own.

Another aspect is shown when I previously wrote about how advice seems to contradict itself. This is not because the advice is inherently wrong, but different pieces of advice are for different people. Telling a very shy person they need to "tone it down and let others talk" isn't very productive. Or if someone already feels deficient, telling them that with hard work anything is possible they might think their poor state is because they've been lazy. You don't need to give advice to conservative individuals to stop being promiscuous. Telling your macho friend who ain't afraid of nothin' to "man up" isn't quite the same as telling it to the wimpy guy who's too scared to ask out a girl. You have to consider the initial conditions, see the goal, and plot an appropriate course when giving advice.

I don't mean to say these initial conditions are something we should question all the time. We build a working set of them as shorthand, allowing our brains to quickly make decisions without wasting conscious brain power. It doesn't suit me to second-guess if gravity works every time I take a step. Philosophically it is fun, but practically I take it on faith it is true. If I am ever in a fight, I will not take the time to think about the morality of punching someone's face in. I better be using every part of my faculty to getting out alive, which probably means running really fast. It's even been shown that often times our snap decisions serve us extremely well; better than our rationalizing logical arguments. There's a whole book on the subject called Blink. One of it's highlight examples is how quickly we can read someone's face. Or how intuitively archaeologists knew the Getty kouros was a fake before its evidence was dismantled. A highly tuned set of initial conditions is a huge boon.

In short, I urge you to take a moment to think about your own set of initial conditions. Take some time to poke and prod them from time to time. Identifying them, understanding what they are, and where they come from helps illuminate your blind spots. Understanding this effect can help you get to the root of an argument instead of clobbering each other with superficial facts. Once you have a good set, rely on them to get you out of tough situations quickly. These are extremely important, and you can't afford to get them wrong.


PS. I recommend you read about Short Inferential Distances and how to properly walk someone through an argument. Starting in with your alien conclusion makes no sense if the other person doesn't realize all the background thought you've put into it. And be ready to work this backwards so you can understand and perhaps adopt someone else's initial condition.

PPS. I highly recommend reading The Positive Programmer where the author talks about unlearning negativity and proactively getting yourself out of the self-depreciating rut. It tends to lead to depression.

Gone Dark

I haven't posted in a while.

This usually means one of two things.

1) I'm super stressed and depressed and can't bring myself to write an honest post about it without feeling more like a whiny attention whore.
2) Things are going super crazy awesome fun times I have no down time.

Feel free to speculate on which option is currently in effect.

Cheering for Complimenters

To be honest I usually am not depressed. I have bouts of depression, but my constant self-bashing is not an indication of constant self-loathing. I merely try to manage expectations and seek to present the truth. I know exactly how far I have to improve and am under no delusions of this fact.

That doesn't seem to deter the Complimenters.

I hope you know a few of these. Every time they see you they give a smile and cheer your entry. Whenever you praise them they don't dismiss it like I do, they turn it around and tell you how awesome you are in that same category. Somehow they always know exactly what to say to build you up and cheer you up.

Just last week we were at Midtown Stomp Swing Dancing. One of the guys in attendance is good. Scary good. If his partner is new he can guide them flawlessly through the basic and moderate moves. If his partner is skilled he kicks it up a notch whirling them around the floor and leaving them breathless. I once watched him in action and stood amazed, trying to watch for him to reuse a move so I could tease out how he did it. He didn't repeat most of them. When he sat down at the end of the song I complimented him going, "Man, that was awesome. Your partner definitely had fun. You're making the rest of us look bad!" He just looked at me and said, "Nah man, you the man. And now it's your time." Bam. Instant turnaround.

Suffice to say these people are awesome and make the people around them feel awesome.

It's not just in off-handed compliments. Complimenters are exceptional discussion leaders. They make sure to reiterate the points brought up and name the specific person who contributed. If there is a tangent or mistake in a point they carefully bring the topic back around without assigning blame. People are almost never wrong, they instead just missed something. Plus when they present their view it doesn't sound like a capstone trump card coming from the leader. You don't feel like you stumbled on their correct answer. They tease out the connections between everyone's points, reinforce the ones they liked and felt were important, but still give credit to the ones who brought it up as their idea.

Plus, they never seem to give up. I am pretty sure a few of them read this blog and so they know I do not need the compliments. But they keep coming. Another day another smile and a welcoming invitation to share about my day. Even when you keep your face neutral and hide away how uplifting that thought was, they seem undeterred.

So what makes these people Complimenters? No idea. I think it has to do with the intent to see the world from the brighter side. You actively look for things to compliment people on. These are not the Facebook picture spam generic feel-good compliments. These are targeted personal compliments. They require investment, thought, and custom-tailoring. When there is a negative, actively figuring out how to bring it around to the positive. Plus it isn't about them feeling better. It is about focusing and investing in the other person. It is uplifting others at no benefit to themselves.

I'm sure they could use a few Compliments of their own, so try becoming one yourself. Start with thanking and complimenting the Complimenters in your life. 'Cause they're awesome and deserve to feel good about it.

Seeking Connection

Humans are very social creatures. It could be argued that everything we do is a form of signaling to others. We signal, "I belong to this group. I have these resources. I am a nice, kind person who will share with you." We develop social structures and circles of friends. We grow up in families and crave attention and acceptance. In fact, it is theorized self-esteem is an indicator of how strong we think our social bonds are and therefore our personal worth, not the other way around. So it should come to no surprise that we tend to be on the lookout for commonalities with which to build relationships.

I like to get excited about similarities. I pick up on simple commonalities and suddenly have a burst of hope that I might make a new friend. Simple things like people using the same Pyrex bowls to hold their lunches. Or noticing other Asians in the area (there are lots of Whites and Indians where I live, not as many Chinese/Japanese). Or noticing someone driving the same car. Even driving along the same route as you. Maybe they're going where I'm going, or live near where I live. How cool would that be!

I think this speaks volumes about us as a species. We really, really want to have connections. We really, really want to meet new people. A new person is a whole new set of possibilities. A potential best friend. An interesting companion. Perhaps a soul mate. Or a mentor. Or just the guy who gets you tickets to that one show and you have a great time.

Oddly enough we also fear these connections. What if people don't like me? How do I break into an ongoing conversation? Maybe I won't even see those people again. We value our connections so much we fear we won't have a good enough connection! We often can't take the risk. At least that's what we tell ourselves.

And yet I have never had a moment while taking with some friends that I wouldn't mind a new person joining. I have yet to meet a group who actively hates people on the outside (political/religious discussions being an exception). Perhaps I just hang with the right people, but usually groups are willing to take on a few extra. It means better chances of members hanging out. It means if I'm tired of some of them I can break off and hang with the others.

True, there are exceptions. Douchebags are generally frowned upon. Attention-seekers tend to be shrugged off. And if a group becomes too large sub-groups will form with the more like-minded individuals spending extra time together. If you're deep in a personal conversation it's nice when people respect that and just buzz off. Yet I have never once felt weird about adding a new face to the crowd at large. We always open the circle and accommodate the new person. They just have to show interest and stand near the circle.

Still we build up these complicated routines. Prepare all the right lines. Practice and review our interactions. It's all a giant house of cards and at the first sign of trouble we bolt, "dignity" intact. Instead of approaching the circle we sit with a cup in one hand and our back to the wall waiting, testing the group to see who comes to us. Who will put in the effort and make it worth your while for YOU to invest?

How sad.

Try being a little more bold. Ask for a name and remember it. Learn something and find common ground. You might find a new friend. At worst, you go your separate ways.

Becoming the "Other"

Sermons, lessons, and articles all have a very specific tone to them when dealing with "others".

A sermon might bring up an example of how some person did wrong. For example, I recently listened to one on how different people respond differently to your aid. In one case it was a poor person. After helping to pay their rent, it became infeasible to support them any longer and the speaker went over to tell them so. They were rebuffed with a series of slurs and thrown out of the house. He realized that by throwing money at the problem, he wasn't helping them get back on their feet. Different people will respond differently he said. There were other instances where even using the wrong information and wrong techniques people would improve and become whole. But with "correct" systems others wouldn't. It was an excellent illustration of why we need personalized efforts, of why it often is dependent on the individual you are helping, or why sometimes it is all out of your control. This was all from the viewpoint of us. This was the viewpoint of the trained to help "others".

Another anecdote was commenting on how broken individuals can end up as leeches. They come with a story of being hurt and being in need and no one was there. So, you feel for them and come alongside them. But then they latch on to you. They devour your time and energy and emotional endurance. Finally they pop off after you're drained and can't give any more. They are that way because they only consume and are broken. They are surrounded by love but they never seem to have enough or can't feel it. It was done with humorous enactments and we all have seen these "other people" in action. But again, this is from the viewpoint of us normal people. The ones being devoured and preyed on by those "others".

This article covers the subject of "The Distress of the Privileged" and clucks its tongue at those poor privileged slobs. They grew up in times past and suddenly the world around them has changed. They are no longer in the right, and in fact are accused of being the Bad Guys. Suddenly, they have a real distress and need to be validated since without their notice or consent the world around them has turned against them. But don't hate them! They are well-meaning good people who are just out of their element now. We should come to them with kindness and love and bring them over to our side. If only their eyes were opened, and they weren't rebuffed by hostility they too can join our humble ways. Address their distress but help them realize it pales in scope to our pain and distress. We should treat the "others" with love and not look down too much on their backward ways.

This very blog is founded on this principle. In one respect it is about my own views, musings I've had, and things I want to work on. But it is written in such a way that I still come out the victor. I am at least trying. I have evaluated and seen the faults and seek to change them. Unlike those "others" out there. Those fools who have yet to see how inefficient they are, unable to face fears or come to terms with putting on airs for the world at large.

Time and time again I see piece after piece about those "others" out there. Clucking tongues at their backwardness. Sighs at their silly notions. Laughs at their poor grasp on the facts. We nod knowingly and give each other slaps on the back safe in the feeling that we are the elite, well-adjusted, all-knowing, capable, clear-minded individuals who can help and correct these poor souls. Noblesse Oblige.

Too often though I can't share in that. Too often I wonder if I am not that "other" person. Am I ungrateful to the help I've been given and will scream and curse if it's all taken away? Do I leech off my peers and friends looking for an emotional hit from them contributing nothing? Am I one of the privileged stuck in times past?

And that simply scares the crap out of me.

Often times because I am quite explicitly the "other" person. For the majority of my life I identified as Republican (and all my liberal friends may now boo and hiss). So all those articles making fun of Republicans, taking quotes out of context, reading horrible horrible things into the comments and ideas they had were painful. I was filled with rage and indignation. I was wounded that they would dismiss my views so easily and think me such a fool. I hated it when people would approach me for conversation on one hand then post a down-the-line dismissal of my side on the other. I now sit somewhere between the two parties and simply get a sound beating from both ends.

Or some of the articles on how horrible heterosexual well-educated men are. We are evil or simply naive and knowingly or unknowingly are reinforcing an oppressive patriarchy. We are so afraid of losing our power we will go to great lengths to subvert the feminine power. Well, except those few feminist males. You're OK. On one hand yeah people should get on board with this. On the other hand I'm exactly the person they're talking about. And the language they use hurts.

You might argue that this is good. After all, tribalism is natural. It help reinforce the healthy community we are building. Plus, with my visceral reactions I am realizing my faults. I can identify with the "others" and become one of "us." I am one of those select "others" we have tried to reach for so long and now you are coming around! This should be an article about my triumph and keen sense of being able to learn from any circumstance, even when I'm told I'm part of the "us" crowd. Three cheers for me!

Still hurts.

Still scares the crap out of me.

Still exposes to me how little I've grown and how much further I need to climb.

I could just recede. I can curl up and stop listening. If only I wasn't noble and kept trying, or was dumber and didn't see, or didn't care and stayed down. There is so much I could do. And I really want to sometimes. And I do sometimes.

Have you ever experienced this? Stood in a crowd and suddenly realized you identify with the caricature being painted? Realized that if you don't smile and go along you run the risk of being the "other" paraded on stage for all to see? Have you ever taken a look at your own writing or piece and wondered what it is like to be the "other" you are painting?

Why I Don't Like to Talk About Politics

Ugh. Stupid 24/7 News Cycles. One day it's candidate A did something stupid. The next candidate B isn't looking so good in the polls. Then gaffes from the staff come out. Then there's a Joe Biden sighting with ice cream.

Frankly, I don't like talking about politics. It boils down to a few reasons.

First, usually when a discussion erupts there are at least two people who are more passionate and well-informed than me, so I just let them do all the talking.

Also, I think I'm weird. I have on many occasions switched positions after hearing some strong interesting evidence I didn't know about before. This is apparently rare since I never seem to see other people doing the same. More often than not the "winning" group claims victory and sweeps all opposing points away as poppycock while the "losing" group licks their wounds, return to their echo chamber of choice, and research how to win next time (again sweeping away all opposing points as poppycock). So, these things tend to be futile.

Finally, I'm super weird. I subscribe to both Instapundit (a right-wing blogosphere commentary and aggregator) and Mother Jones (one of the most left-wing publications around). I literally will see a piece of news break and both sides react completely differently. What is weird is that if you only listen to one side they sound completely reasonable. I went on a binge of just reading Mother Jones and found myself slowly starting to agree with everything they wrote. Previously I only knew about Instapundit and was becoming a hardcore Conservative. The net result is that now I can stand and see the merits and faults of both sides. I try to rationally understand and take seriously both positions. That makes things awkward.

To my liberal friends, I am a conservative. I will bring in points from the Right to counter their rhetoric. Especially when it starts getting pretentious with phrases like "How can anyone believe..." As it turns out, there are people out there who do believe that, and feel they arrived at said conclusion based on factual logical thought and evidence. Some may be ignorant of facts, but others have some legitimate bones to pick.

To my conservative friends, I am a liberal. I will drop-kick someone when they try to parrot an oversimplified talking point. No, liberals are not an evil conspiracy bent on making sure the working class is dependent on them. No that statistic is taken way out of context and doesn't account for the other underlying problems.

This odd position adds tension to relationships, often ends with the fiery avalanche of facts and figures I didn't know about, and generally isn't beneficial to most conversations.

In short, I tend to end up as that other guy. The one who either doesn't speak up or seems to always not be on your side. So unless a serious error arises and one side is doing all the talking, I'll let others do the fighting. Besides, it's hard to talk when your mouth is full of popcorn. And popcorn is delicious.

The Things My Mom Taught Me

Ah, Mother's Day Weekend. The time in the spring where we reflect on those who carried us around for nine months and went through excruciating pain to make us. And yet, for some reason, for all that grief we caused and cramping and back pain and really bad fashion, they loved us. They saw potential in us. They looked at a random clump of cells and said "you are a person and you are mine." In honor of those saints, here are a few things I was taught by my mom that impacted my life.

* Start tough, you can relax later. This was a very important piece of advice given to me when I became Section Leader in Band. Fundamentally it illustrates how it is easier to let things become loose than it is to tighten them up later. It holds true in so many things. Easier to let grades crash than to fight back to a higher score. Easy to let you body atrophy than to beat it into shape and maintain it. The fundamental law of entropy and discipline in your life. Bonus points for this one since it kept the section running smoothly, in no small part because every day I'd debrief my mom on what happened that day and she'd offer helpful thoughts.

* Put away what you take out. Hurrah for the basic childhood lessons. Like all good childhood rules, this continues to be true today, just in ways you may not expect. It is the secret to keeping a clean home. Since everything is always put away, you no longer have a large pile of junk to put away. AMAZING! Plus, it applies to other things in life. For example, understanding what a mutex is. Or, always telling someone when you are done with something so they can use it again. Since I shed that skin on the ground or got junk on the counter, it's my job to deal with it! Break out the vacuum!

* The world isn't black and white. You don't know how many times I was told this growing up. And for the longest time I didn't get it. World seemed pretty black and white to me. Laws seemed to regulate actions and social norms. Certain things were (vegetables) and others were not (lightsabers). Plus, almost everyone at school hated me. Simple. Took me a long time to figure this one out, and I'm still learning where along the color spectrum certain things lie for me.

* It's OK as long as you try your hardest. I think I've mentioned this before, but my parents did not expect me to get straight As for the sake of straight As. They expected me to get straight As because I was capable of getting straight As. It is a subtle, but important distinction. In all things I was expected to do my best. Even if that best wasn't the best possible. This lead to a lot of car rides to a variety of activities, just to give exposure and to try it out. You don't like baseball? OK. You are done with taking lessons? OK. Of course, there were times they knew I could do better, and encouraged me to break through what I thought were limitations. But at the same time I experienced leniency when merited. This same guiding principle runs the majority of my life even today.

* Food is Delicious. OK, that is probably self-explanatory to everyone. But seriously, my mom is pretty darn good at cooking. And not just cooking a recipe. Recipes are starting points for her. Sure we have a base recipe for lasagna, but that doesn't mean we don't end up with a spicy variety, or spinach variety, or whatever. This variety of different foods, plus the range of ethnic food we ate, was pretty neat. And some of that knowledge trickled down to me. So, sure I have recipes, but I know they are just starting points. The variety of food has also come in handy. I have no qualms about eating most anything. There are certain things I prefer not to eat, but I'm at home in all kinds of settings.

* Family is important. Again, this should be a no-brainer for most people. Still, looking back at the things that were given up to provide a loving home and to let us excel is quite astounding. Extra hours plugged into late night projects, the constant shuttling of me and my siblings, the hour every day of cooking dinner and late at night packing lunches. That isn't to say she didn't have fun either. But a serious amount of time and energy went into making our family work as a family. Plus, it didn't end at the household. We made sure to make time for other members of our family. And for family friends and their families. Even if things didn't always go smoothly, family was important and so we worked it out. Most of the time.

* It's not about things. This is a compound one. First, we were able to have fun with not much. The only video games I owned were a GameBoy and the computer. And I didn't have access to all the games on either. So instead I busied myself with other things. Books. Music. Sports. I had a pre-paid cellphone, and since it only charged if you were connected for more than around eight seconds, I could give my mom a pager code when we were done after school and it wouldn't cost us a cent. We lived without cable (oh the horrors). At the end of the day, you don't need things to have fun. Sure we would spend money on things, but those were important. Family vacations. Musical instruments when we reached the limits of our old ones. Good food. We didn't need to surround ourselves with the latest car or hippest whatever fad of the 90s was in vogue. And even if we did, we managed our own funds and did it efficiently. At the end of the day, the real invest was in people. Investing in social events. Investing in skills. Not investing in the transitory.

* Flexibility. More often than not, things don't go as planned. Sure you should have a very good plan (my mom's planning for parties is pretty intense. She developed a handbook for how to run banquets for organizations with timelines and contacts and everything), but leave room for changes. Allow for others to get in the way and make mistakes. Accommodate the crazy demands of the crazies, to an extent. When you fall flat on your face, smile and keep going. You can try to predict everything, but the unexpected will happen, so just roll with it.

This list could obviously keep going, but I think you get the point. Much of what I know and do today is thanks to my mom. <3

The Awesomeness of Community

I wrote a post on Wednesday and scheduled it up to be posted today. It was quite depressing (but hopefully insightful), and maybe I'll post it some other time.

On Thursday I went to work and wasn't feeling all that great. A little give-and-take of the goods and the bads, but still feeling down.

That evening instead of the usual Fusion group at church, there were two events. One at the church at 6pm and another fairly far away at 7pm. For perspective, normally the trip to church takes around 30 minutes. To get to the other event would take around 45 minutes. That's a lot of driving for some ancillary event that I wasn't really crazy interested in.

During the day I was busy and felt tired and thought to myself, "maybe I should just skip it all today, go home, eat some dinner, and waste time online or something. Things aren't going great, and do I really want to spend all that time driving out to an event and then driving back and all that gas money and blah blah blah."

But, at the end of the day, I thought to myself: why not. Would sure beat moping by myself at home playing silly games.

So I got out of work around 6pm. Too late to make the first event. Besides, that required signing up online and I hadn't gotten around to that. So I got in my car and started out to Rocklin. As I've previously mentioned, I often do some of my weirdest introspective thinking while driving or biking. So I struggled with some things and plotted out some other things and analyzed whether it was all my fault. Got in, parked, found the building, and got a seat.

For context, the event was Francis Chan giving a light talk with a Q&A. For those who know nothing about him (like I did prior to this event), he's a fairly dynamic speaker in Christian groups. He's written a few very successful books. He's pastoring a church in San Francisco specifically targeting training and raising up disciples who, if necessary, could stand on their own and learn from the Bible independently. He has quite the backstory and is very insightful on a variety of topics. Several times he would talk about going back and reading through the Bible to check and try to figure out if he had made a mistake in interpretation when presented with new arguments.

Overall, it was good. There were a lot of very challenging points. He shared some very interesting stories and said some very smart things. And while it was very good and helped reset me a bit, that's not the point of this post.

All this setup is to talk about the others who showed up. The banter before and after. Having people around that were willing to share their thoughts, talk about their lives, and were interested in your life and well-being. Even though some of them I had only met a few times, and one I met the first time that night, in the span of a few minutes we were open and willing to share.

And that really healed me.

To know that there were people that didn't keep me around for my abilities. Seeing in action people that cared about each other and who cared about you. Not just a few smiles and handshakes and saying "how are you?" without really caring. Honestly talking about what they thought, some of their personal struggles. Asking about what was going on and bantering about locale eateries. But it wasn't surface sharing of information. It wasn't "look what I know." It was in the context of people caring about each other, and caring about me.

And that's incredible.

If you are not part of a community that does this yet, you really, really need to find one. It has pulled me out of so many funks. I more often than not leave with a little extra spring in my step and a happier outlook on life. It enables me to try again after the fifteenth failure.

That's not to say it doesn't fail sometimes. There have been days I went, looking for a little taste of community, and only got friendly smiles. There have been moments when I felt myself or those around me only showboating trying to get in their thoughts so that others would think better of them. Trying to be an amazing community all the time takes effort! From all the members involved! But at its core if you care about others and they care about you it can flow naturally.

So, I heartily recommend plugging into and contributing to a community. Not a social group. Not a forum. Not a group of people who share an interest. A community that lives and breathes and builds each other up and pours out their life into each other. Because it's amazing.

Things I Wish I Could Buy

Yes, I do have disposable income. But at the end of the day I already have too much stuff, and I can save that spare money for other things. But, I can still dream about all that nice stuff out there that's available to buy. Here's a short list of practical things I wish I could just run out and buy.

• Keyboard. Yes, I could be considered a musician, just a terrible one.
• Sleeping bag. Gonna need one for the summer too, should get on that.
• Nice shirts/pants/coats/blazers. Wardrobe has slowly been updated over the years, but it still needs serious work.
• New shoes, especially work/dressy ones, and more than one pair for each occasion.
• New pots and pans. Especially a good set of stainless steel that doesn't keep getting stained. Probably need more storageware too.
• Set of knives and cooking equipment. I really shouldn't be using the curved cleaver for almost everything.
• Paintball equipment. 'Cause people keep going, and the rentals stink.
• A gun and set of swords. An assault rifle, a pistol, a katana, a broadsword, and a spear/naginata at the minimum to cover most contingencies. Also money to get training on how to use them properly.
• ALL THE GAMES
• ALL THE BOOKS
• Decorations for the house. Walls are pretty sparse. But why does accent lighting cost as much as normal lighting???
• New bike (probably fixing this one rather soon finally)
• A new used car. OK, we're dreaming, so a new new car.
• A house
• Happiness

You may notice many of these I probably should buy, and soon. But given my track record I'm sure I won't buy these until next year. Or until something breaks. Or I need it in a week and I have to 2-day ship the item from Amazon.com.

About Me: Dating Resume

A few of my friends were joking that everyone should have a dating resume. That way people can quickly identify potential mates based on accomplishments and interests. Obviously this is a faulty system because really you know if you're into someone when you interact with them, not based on a random set of qualifications. But still, in the interest of Singles' Awareness Day, here's a quick pre-beta draft of a theoretical satirical dating resume for me.

Trevin Murakami 

Occupation: Engineer at Intel
Age: Old enough.

Practical Skills: Jack-of-many-trades (i.e. completely useless at everything). Able to cook a variety of styles (America, Italian, Mexican, Japanese, Chinese). Maintains a clean and welcoming living environment. Can do own laundry and ironing. Knowledgeable about plumbing and handy with tools. Experienced with electronics of all sorts. Knows all Red Cross swimming strokes. Can drive manual cars.

Sorta Practical Skills: Able to sing. Can play piano and flute. Somewhat useful at dancing. Excellent knowledge of random things. Partial to dynamic speaking and stories of all sorts. Extremely flexible in terms of schedules and interests. Can easily identify and ignore tropes as they occur in real life. Can serve others food. Can tie a tie. Can sleep almost anywhere. Enjoys picking up new skills. Hates picking up girls. Unless it's picking them up in a car. Unless it's my poor broken down car.

Personality Traits: Whimsical. Practical. Frugal. Generous. Optimistic. Goal-focused. People-centric. Willing to die to self. Planner. Spontaneous. Reluctant Leader. Enjoys laughing and making others laugh. Humble. Praises others. Rolls with the punches. Selective of quality. Appreciates the little things. A bit of a romantic. Incredibly practical. Will never take the last portion of a dish (unless asked to, repeatedly).

Interests/Hobbies: Games of all sorts. Spending quality time with people. Cooking. Magic Tricks. Ultimate Frisbee. Snowboarding. Long walks. Biking. Martial Arts. Duct Tape construction. Music. Investments. Politics. Science. Religion. Jokes. Weaponry. Gems. Psychology. Anthropology. Group Dynamics. You.

Other: Non-smoker. Drinks socially. Doesn't snore. No major allergies. No pre-existing conditions.

Year in Review

Yay! Yet another year and my life hasn't gone pear-shaped!

Since everyone else seems to be doing it, thought I'd jot down a few of the important things that have (and haven't) happened this year.

• Got a real job! Yay positive income! Still learning the ropes and begging those around me for help on a nearly daily basis, but in theory, eventually, I'll have mastery over the work. At least that's what they tell me. And I trust my managers/elders.
• Moved to Folsom! Kinda stunk in that I can't keep up as well with all the awesome people I knew in Davis (miss you Catalyst people!). Sure we have Facebook and IM, but it's not the same as seeing them on a weekly basis and hanging out and catching up. On the other hand, I've been getting to know some new awesome people around here as well. Major shout-out to the people at Fusion for making me feel welcome, plus the crew at work for all the fun we've had and will have.
• Graduation with a Masters. DING. To be honest, I don't feel like I learned all that much from the extra school except how stupid I can be and how sometimes painful the academia system can be. Granted, without it I probably wouldn't have a job and I wouldn't have had the personal growth I had while in Davis, but academically Mudd was far superior in terms of shoveling awesome knowledge into me. Still, learned lots of random things.
• Moving is funsies. Dealing with stupid things like setting up internet and moving giant pieces of furniture? Not as much.
• Got to travel to MLG, see some awesome StarCraft live, meetup with Sean and Kevin, good times. Also, hilarious singing on the drive back. Bonus points to Derick for setting it all up.
• Wedding! Car rides going up and down! Driving! ON A BOAT!
• Wedding! Barns on fire! Seeing Davis buddies! Family!
• I continue my saga of becoming more awesome since I don't have to spend time (nor money) on a girlfriend.
• Napa trip. Tasting wines. Steph really, really can't hold her liquor. Also, I hate stiff brakes. Introducing Dominion (mwahahah more addicts!). Karaoke.
• 4th of July in Vegas. Seeing some awesome shows, doing some hanging around, making a little money on the tables.
• Not enough game nights. Realizing how much I've switched from a producer to a consumer, and a pretty poor consumer at that.
• LAN Parties.
• Lots and lots of late-night talks. Politics. People. Dancing. Game design and strategy.
• Bible Studies! Both learning to lead one properly and participating in an awesome one.
• Running lots of A/V. Playing lots of music. Except that's not happening as much anymore. Sad face.
• Cooking.

Here's to a pretty decent year, and looking forward to another one with crazy stuff waiting to happen.

Thankful

In the spirit of the season, quick list of things I'm thankful for.

Family: We're not a picture perfect family, but it's always nice to be at home and hang with the family. And the fact we're all still around, even if some of use are spread out, is a really special thing as well. It's the fact that these people have known me all my life and still can put up with me that gives me hope.
Friends: Over the years I've accumulated a few of these. And this is beyond just "acquaintances" or people I "know," for which I feel extremely fortunate. Granted, I'm pretty thankful for those people as well, and potentially some of these will reach the inner circle eventually. It's just I'm super duper thankful people who aren't related by blood can stand me.
A Job: Thank goodness I've got one. No, it's not a dream job, but hey, can't argue at all with positive income.
Sanity: You'd be surprised how hard it is to get this stuff man. And to not waste the amount you have on hand.
Health: As much as I complain about my genes and lack of being a buff badass I'm relatively healthy. Which is awesome. It means when people say, "let go rock climbing " I can go "sure" and not freak out if my knees are going to give way. Or that I have to check various meals to make sure I don't swell up and die. Sure the bad eyesight and allergy meds I take every day are a hassle, but I ain't dead yet.

So yeah, life's not quite terrible. Also, food is tasty. And now to get some sleep, for which I'm extremely thankful for. Mostly 'cause I get quite the entertainment while sleeping. Seriously, my dreams are a combo of awesome and quality crazy.

Explorations on Google+

OK, blog time about the amazingness that is Google+. Seriously. The only reason I'm not using it 100% of the time is not all my friends have been given the chance to jump over. Thoughts and critiques commence!

The "Friend Request"

While it's easy to say it's "Facebook but not Facebook" I'm starting to realize that's fundamentally incorrect. I mean, yeah, you could use it exactly like Facebook. But that's not its underlying rationale and structure.

Really, it's basic structure is more Twitter-ish. By default you might fire off Public Posts that anyone who is following you can see. But you have some subsets that you share more personal stuff with, like Family or Friends-only, and Google+ is happy to oblige you.

This is different from the Facebook model. Note that to see what others do, you just need to follow them. It's a unidirectional transaction. Contrast this to Facebook where you have to confirm your Friend Request, and then everything is shared between the two parties bilaterally. In fact, I have several people on Facebook I've friended then summarily hid from my feed 'cause I'm using it like a Rolodex and don't actually care about what is going on in their lives, or I don't share things with my "Limited" friends because I figure I'm not as caught up with them, they probably don't care about my stuff anyways.

Obviously you can replicate this Facebook Friend behavior. Google+ tells you who is following (but not what circle you've been placed into) and you can promptly follow back. Friend Request Accepted! Commence 2-way spam! (This is also apparently what most of use are doing right now)

However, really what following someone means is not "are you my friend" but instead "do I care about what you post and share and see what is going on in your life." And perhaps it's mutual. Perhaps it's not.

The Subsets and Supersets of Circles

Google+'s main cool feature is a really, really nice way of organizing your friends. These Circles though allow you to share stuff with specific sets of friends. Some of the obvious ones are Family-Only announcements. Some more creative ones I'm are people making specific lists for sharing a particular part of their life, like music they found or links on the internet. Personally I'm building a "Spammable" circle for my link propagation habits. (These are often opt-in and people will post seeing who wants in. Hopefully a feature will come that will allow us to make these circle opt-in from the other side instead of us manually sorting the masses.)

Since we can place the same person in several circles, you suddenly have a very interesting potential set of overlapping circles, just like modeling your real life. Currently I've sorted people mostly by my relationship to them, and the Spammable circle is a way to mash a bunch of them together from disparate parts of my social network. This way I still have a network of individuals sorted, but only the closer ones regardless of other circles get my spam.

Of course, if you instead want to use it as originally intended, just push most of your stuff as Public and use Circles for specifically targeted messages and conversations. I'm sure as time goes on we'll see more ideas and structures develop using this feature.

HANGOUT ARE AWESOME

Probably the most badass feature so far are Hangouts. It's group video chat, up to 10 people. Sure Skype and Ventrilo and many others have similar things, but Google+ has 2 major advantages.

Sure, there's video. And that's kinda awesome to see people's faces again and their expressions as they laugh or give you the stare.

The kicker is the natural casual nature of the hangouts. Two people can just be "Hanging out" and a button shows up on Google+ to let you join in. Boom, instantly you're in! THAT'S AWESOME!!! It's like my olde East Dorm Lounge. Walk in, people are there, chill, leave when you want. None of this "setup a call" or "did so-and-so invite me to that group". Well. You could do that via Circles and just not invite people. But still, Hangouts provide a really nice way for people to just walk into the meeting and chill with friends. This feature alone is egging me on to finally buy a webcam. (I know, no smartphone, no webcam, still stuck in the 2000s)

Google Integration

A really, really sweet feature is you can see the notifications on any (well, almost any) Google App page. Your top bar that typically tells you all the Google Apps you can switch to gains a notification spot and a field you can use to quickly share something you just found.

Number shows up for how many notifications you have, you can review them and quickly see just the updates, then resume your Gmail or Google Searching. That feature alone, that I don't have to keep a Facebook Tab open, is gonna be the downfall of mankind's productivity I guarantee you. And instantly sharing? Oh goodness me.

Still some Rough Edges

So, that Google Integration? Somehow it doesn't work on Calendar. D'oh. Also, using the "Share" system on Google Reader doesn't appear to load it into Google+ (yet). And Vimeo video embeds don't work. And they won't let us invite more people. And apparently it hasn't rolled out to Google Apps so go setup a GMail / Google Account if you want to partake. And obviously since it has no data it can't suggest people to you very well yet so you'll have to search people manually.

EDIT: Apparently it doesn't catch my Blogger Posts either! /EDIT

"Better" Privacy

Well, at least it's not randomly popping stuff up like a stalker on other pages and it's way easier to only send stuff privately to a subset of your buddies and there aren't any subversive data mining 3rd-party applications, but you know Google wants all your data. COOOOKIES. OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM

But seriously, even with the Buzz and a slight oopsie here, Google has had a better track record on privacy than Facebook. And while it's still getting out the kinks in letting me custom tailor my privacy settings to lockdown mode, the bonus of using Circles to carefully cull who gets what sensitive info is a huge plus already.

The BIG Question:

Will it beat Facebook?

Dunno. The biggest issue is can you get the adoption rate? Social networks like this only work if everyone else is using it so you use it too. And getting that critical mass is what makes or breaks it. Also, tearing people away from Farmville.

For most of my friends, we're flocking to it ASAP. So, it's gained critical mass for a few of my circles. But there are several other still left out in the cold. Even with some of its oddities and bugs I like it and frankly I bet a bunch of my non-as-tech-savvy friends would like it too.

The Problem with Saying You're Sorry

I've noted something interesting. A lot of people say "Oops, I'm sorry" or "I need to work on that." This can be something skill based, like your macro in Starcraft 2. It could also be something you did, like cheating. The problem is not everyone actually makes a change.

We seem to fall into the trap that saying "I'm sorry" is so powerful and special that often times it's enough to just bow your head in humility. And in response we reciprocate and forgive the offending party. End of story?

No.

The problems persist. They aggravate and we just keep going "oops" and walking away. Sometimes it's just a personality quirk in a friend, like a certain catch phrase or driving technique. Other times it's a habitual problem that ruins lives, like infidelity.

We really need to look for the core problem and fix it.

Sean Plott (Day[9]) does a show on learning to be better at Starcraft 2 and has a segment every week called Newbie Tuesday. On one recent episode he comments that you shouldn't just say, "Oh, I need to work on my macro" you need to find out what was wrong and fix it. In his example game he shows the player forgetting to always produce workers, a critical error that slows down your resource collection throughout the match. He even comments that saying, "Oh, I should work on always making workers" is insufficient. Make a plan and execute it. For example, keep that building on a hotkey and constantly check it ALL GAME EVERY SECOND. Excessive? Sure. Real Pros at the game know when to jump to the building and make a new one. But you're not a pro, and this plan will ensure you will always be making workers.

Similarly I often fall into the trap of not listening intently. "Oh, I should work on that" sounds good, and apologies to all parties injured by my negligence are nice, but really I have to focus on the core issue. I think whatever I'm doing is more important. Obviously the other person will remind me later and I'll remember it then, right? WRONG. So to train myself, I need to always give my full attention every time someone talks to me. Even in the middle of doing other things, drop it and give my full attention. Also, taking up note taking so I don't have to rely on my sometimes spotty memory. Sure I may only mess up remembering things 10% of the time, but sometimes those are critical things I forget.

It's really odd how we've fallen into this trap. Are apologies so rare and forgiveness so foreign that we feel sufficiently absolved when we use them? Perhaps. It's often a huge story any time someone gives a formal apology. Instead we seem to focus on saving face properly and weaseling out of the situation. Or perhaps it's just short-term reverence and really we don't care when we apologize? I hope not, because I've been fairly sincere every time I apologize.

Are there areas you need to finally make a plan to fix? How do you evaluate what the core issues are in your life?

I Hate Online Banking

So, I try to log into my account today. It claims my password/username don't match and therefore we have a problem. I type it all in again, still no dice.

OK, I'll just reset my password!

Go through the security checks, at the end it asks me to set a new password. I type in my olde password I was just trying.

"Your new password must be different from your old password"

Wait.

You're telling me this is my password on file.

The one I'm typing in now.

The one you JUST SAID was a mismatch.