Seeking Connection

Humans are very social creatures. It could be argued that everything we do is a form of signaling to others. We signal, "I belong to this group. I have these resources. I am a nice, kind person who will share with you." We develop social structures and circles of friends. We grow up in families and crave attention and acceptance. In fact, it is theorized self-esteem is an indicator of how strong we think our social bonds are and therefore our personal worth, not the other way around. So it should come to no surprise that we tend to be on the lookout for commonalities with which to build relationships.

I like to get excited about similarities. I pick up on simple commonalities and suddenly have a burst of hope that I might make a new friend. Simple things like people using the same Pyrex bowls to hold their lunches. Or noticing other Asians in the area (there are lots of Whites and Indians where I live, not as many Chinese/Japanese). Or noticing someone driving the same car. Even driving along the same route as you. Maybe they're going where I'm going, or live near where I live. How cool would that be!

I think this speaks volumes about us as a species. We really, really want to have connections. We really, really want to meet new people. A new person is a whole new set of possibilities. A potential best friend. An interesting companion. Perhaps a soul mate. Or a mentor. Or just the guy who gets you tickets to that one show and you have a great time.

Oddly enough we also fear these connections. What if people don't like me? How do I break into an ongoing conversation? Maybe I won't even see those people again. We value our connections so much we fear we won't have a good enough connection! We often can't take the risk. At least that's what we tell ourselves.

And yet I have never had a moment while taking with some friends that I wouldn't mind a new person joining. I have yet to meet a group who actively hates people on the outside (political/religious discussions being an exception). Perhaps I just hang with the right people, but usually groups are willing to take on a few extra. It means better chances of members hanging out. It means if I'm tired of some of them I can break off and hang with the others.

True, there are exceptions. Douchebags are generally frowned upon. Attention-seekers tend to be shrugged off. And if a group becomes too large sub-groups will form with the more like-minded individuals spending extra time together. If you're deep in a personal conversation it's nice when people respect that and just buzz off. Yet I have never once felt weird about adding a new face to the crowd at large. We always open the circle and accommodate the new person. They just have to show interest and stand near the circle.

Still we build up these complicated routines. Prepare all the right lines. Practice and review our interactions. It's all a giant house of cards and at the first sign of trouble we bolt, "dignity" intact. Instead of approaching the circle we sit with a cup in one hand and our back to the wall waiting, testing the group to see who comes to us. Who will put in the effort and make it worth your while for YOU to invest?

How sad.

Try being a little more bold. Ask for a name and remember it. Learn something and find common ground. You might find a new friend. At worst, you go your separate ways.