Am I a Gamer?

Let's look at the facts for a moment.

• I have the ability to break team balance in a number of games
• I have participated in several 24 Hour gaming marathons
• I organized these 24 Hour gaming marathons
• I played for a few seasons in the pro league of a game
• I tend to muse about game balance, game theory, and good vs. bad game mechanics
• I've played nearly every genre of games and enjoy them all
• I have over 170GBs of data in the Games directory of my computer as of this post
• I understand l337-speak
• One of my first questions about a living space is about the quality of the internet (after stuff like rent, sanitary-ness, etc.)
• I have run dedicated game servers (with remote admin powers and mods)
• I have introduced and gotten other people addicted to particular games
• I post on game development forums with ideas and advice about the design of their game
• I have done mapping for a game
• I have tried to balance and optimize above mentioned map to enjoyable playing experience
• I actively look for mods that will increase the longevity of using a game/game engine
• I have bought games with the express purpose of playing a mod for that game
• I have completed full games of Civ4, Fall from Heaven, Sins of a Solar Empire, and more (for you non-gamers, these games typically take several play sessions for mere mortals)
• I have completed single-player campaigns in a single day, only stopping for food and biological needs
• I dig up old games to play from time to time (and not out of boredom)
• I built my computer to play modern games
• I enter betas to test out games before they're released
• I have a game list of games that I own but haven't played yet
• I have not completed the campaigns for several canonical games
• I do not play World of Warcraft
• This past week I've played about 10 hours of games total, and that's a binge
• I hate level grinding and 100% completion runs
• GameFAQs guides have allowed me to progress in some games
• I have yet to fully complete a Final Fantasy game, except Final Fantasy Tactics Advanced on the GameBoy
• The only game mediums I've owned are GameBoys and PCs
• I almost never spend more than $30 on games per month
• I rarely pre-order something unless it's a wicked deal
• I didn't play StarCraft until late High School (it originally came out around my middle school years)
• In many games, I'm considered a noob.

Hm.

Trevin Standard

For those of you who don't know, I probably should have been diagnosed with ADHD or OCD or some other random mental trait that makes me... weird. Or I can blame it on my parents.

I was thinking back the other day to some stuff back in High School. Let me first say that I, overall, didn't enjoy High School. I survived, and had some cool times, but overall is was a bit of a drag. But, one of the few shining things of that time was the Band. The Royal Wilson Marching Alliance.

I am a male flautist. This means I play the flute. I found out after I picked it that it was considered a "girly" instrument. However, that just made me mad and I set out to prove them wrong. I'm still not an epic flute player, but I can hold my own.

In Band, this meant I was one of the few male flautists. I also ended up being the only senior in the section. As such, I applied for Section Leader and got it. And now we finally get to the point of the story.

I would often use the phrase "Trevin Standard" when talking with my section. Often it was in the context of "that was good, and maybe up to Mr. Chang's standard, but that's not Trevin Standard." Basically, I set the bar high and kept it high. This was for everything from playing to memorization to rhythm and drill abilities. If you weren't performing at the top of your game, I called you on it.

Some would say that I was quite the tyrant. I mean, we're talking about a nearly unobtainable level of awesome. While I felt I met my own standard in some areas, even I didn't live up to all of them. When the section started to grumble and ask what was the ubiquitous Trevin Standard that they never really got to, I explained that it was being the best, being so good that I wouldn't ever have to worry about you again while you were here in the Band. I think that they respected this and since I set the same standard for myself, they continued to work hard.

Why would I set a standard that even I couldn't quite achieve all the time? As I said in the beginning, I'm probably OCD or have slight autism or something. The result is that in everything I do, I always evaluate myself, often quite harshly, and think of ways I could do it better next time. As a Tour Guide I would constantly re-run through every line I said and tweak the bad ones, all the while optimizing the route for each set of parents and pre-frosh. Every speech I have given has been re-worked in my mind many times before and after I give it. Heck, I analyze how well I ran Powerpoint for a worship service.

It's an odd thing being your own worst critic. In some ways, it's very beneficial. You get better, you strive towards perfection. However, there is a major downside. You start becoming very critical of everyone else as well. You start to think that everyone else isn't up to par and should be trying harder. Worse, you start to think everyone is judging you for every move you make. You start to make rules of conduct to make sure everything goes perfectly. You develop archaic systems to optimize anything. You can see how stifling this can become.

Recently at our Church retreat I began to realize this problem. Sure the Trevin Standard in itself is not bad. However, I started to let it run my life, to tighten a noose around my neck with each passing day. It got to the point where when driving down the freeway I would consciously be concerned about what all the other drivers around me thought of my driving. Again, being a safe driver and trying to do better isn't bad, but this was starting to impair my ability to drive effectively.

The person who prayed for me about this called it the Fear of Man. A crippling soul crushing fear of judgement and opinions.

I've since been working on breaking this. One particular area is to offer my services for more visible roles. For example, I used to have a rule that the only reason I should be in the spotlight is if I had to. I never would volunteer. However, during that same retreat, there was a call for testimonies. I knew God wanted me to get up and tell people about my problem, but that old rule was fighting. You're not eloquent enough. You're not spiritual enough. You're doing it for the praise that is sure to come afterwards for facing your demons. Better to work on this quietly and come out when you're cured.

I finally mustered the courage to get up and give the testimony, and of course the outpouring of sympathy and empathy came. However, I wasn't prideful. As one of the pastors later said, sure you get some praise, but the message needed to get out and it can help others realize their own problems and begin healing for them as well.

So, the Trevin Standard still exists. I'm still very critical of myself and others when asked. However, I have resolved to never let it run my life.

idle....

Yeah, I know, I haven't updated in a long time.

I'm thinking of re-posting a revised mini-essay I made for a forum I follow. Basically dealing with the concept of the control point economic model for games, its usefulness and tendencies. For you non-gamers out there... sorry?

The other idea floating in my head for a while is a lovely expository on the Generation Gap. However, I was thinking of taking a little spin and blame the parents for propagating it. =]

The real problem is these take time to craft, and since school has resumed for me I'm currently suddenly without much free time. Plus, I'm a TA for a class, which means homework grading and preparing to officiate a lab section. On the other hand, I'm making pretty pictures in the Graphics course.