Year in Review

Yay! Yet another year and my life hasn't gone pear-shaped!

Since everyone else seems to be doing it, thought I'd jot down a few of the important things that have (and haven't) happened this year.

• Got a real job! Yay positive income! Still learning the ropes and begging those around me for help on a nearly daily basis, but in theory, eventually, I'll have mastery over the work. At least that's what they tell me. And I trust my managers/elders.
• Moved to Folsom! Kinda stunk in that I can't keep up as well with all the awesome people I knew in Davis (miss you Catalyst people!). Sure we have Facebook and IM, but it's not the same as seeing them on a weekly basis and hanging out and catching up. On the other hand, I've been getting to know some new awesome people around here as well. Major shout-out to the people at Fusion for making me feel welcome, plus the crew at work for all the fun we've had and will have.
• Graduation with a Masters. DING. To be honest, I don't feel like I learned all that much from the extra school except how stupid I can be and how sometimes painful the academia system can be. Granted, without it I probably wouldn't have a job and I wouldn't have had the personal growth I had while in Davis, but academically Mudd was far superior in terms of shoveling awesome knowledge into me. Still, learned lots of random things.
• Moving is funsies. Dealing with stupid things like setting up internet and moving giant pieces of furniture? Not as much.
• Got to travel to MLG, see some awesome StarCraft live, meetup with Sean and Kevin, good times. Also, hilarious singing on the drive back. Bonus points to Derick for setting it all up.
• Wedding! Car rides going up and down! Driving! ON A BOAT!
• Wedding! Barns on fire! Seeing Davis buddies! Family!
• I continue my saga of becoming more awesome since I don't have to spend time (nor money) on a girlfriend.
• Napa trip. Tasting wines. Steph really, really can't hold her liquor. Also, I hate stiff brakes. Introducing Dominion (mwahahah more addicts!). Karaoke.
• 4th of July in Vegas. Seeing some awesome shows, doing some hanging around, making a little money on the tables.
• Not enough game nights. Realizing how much I've switched from a producer to a consumer, and a pretty poor consumer at that.
• LAN Parties.
• Lots and lots of late-night talks. Politics. People. Dancing. Game design and strategy.
• Bible Studies! Both learning to lead one properly and participating in an awesome one.
• Running lots of A/V. Playing lots of music. Except that's not happening as much anymore. Sad face.
• Cooking.

Here's to a pretty decent year, and looking forward to another one with crazy stuff waiting to happen.

Why I like Stories

Warning, this will start a little emo and get better later.

I've been feeling a little recently. There's plenty of factors, and I won't get into them here. But suffice to say I've been not as chipper as during the Spring.

However, I've noticed there are a few things I enjoy and can really lift my mood. One is social interaction, and thank God I've found things to keep me busy there. The other is reading stories. This can be going through the archive of one of my webcomics (another post on those eventually) or something like don't take it personally, babe, it just ain't your story. It's a quick little visual novel game, meaning you read some dialogue and every now and then are prompted with decisions to make. Some are minor, and some can drastically change the overarching story. The core though is you're reading a narrative and can slightly tweak things, but you're not actually in control since... well... it just ain't your story.

This fascination with stories isn't just a recent thing. I still remember how drawn I was to stories as a kid. Any story would do. For a while my sister had gotten a magazine series called Cricket, and I could spend hours or even days being absorbed in the various stories told through the archive of issues we had. I gobbled up the Lord of the Rings Trilogy in the span of a few days. If given the opportunity, I will read over 500 pages a day, or however long the particular book is I'm reading. This actually has forced me to NOT buy books or else every piece of spare time I had would be absorbed into them. And a decent chunk of time that wasn't free.

I'm even a sucker for most semblances of a plot. On more than one occasion have I had to tear myself away from a really poor piece after getting seriously plot committed. The plot was a complete wreck as was everything else, but I felt an obligation to finish it. I had to know what happened to these characters.

And I think therin lies the crux of the matter. Stories, overall, are a well-structured description of what is going on. They aren't as messy or complicated as real life. Even when things get really, really rough you subconsciously take comfort in the fact that there was an author to all of this and the ending will be what they designed it to be. It's the solace that at the end of the day everything will tie itself up in a neat bow. Or at least to what the author intended. It's that glimpse of hope, that at the end of the day things work out and all the uncertainty and worry was mostly for naught that really speaks to me. Even with the downer endings the ride is worth it. Being able to see things through a different lens, to cheer on your favorite character or get frustrated by an obvious trap. But most of all to be able to step into a world where things are under control and will work out to their appointed endings.

Sure you could call me a weakling who can't face the harsh realities of life. The uncertainty of what you're doing, how things will end, and that you can't skip to the good part is something you're just supposed to deal with. The grim trudge of time, the broken lives scattered around you, and the brevity of your life in the grand scheme of things are supposed to galvanize you, or at least temper your spirit. Worrying is good, it makes you do better. If you can't face the reality of the world, then have fun in your little escapist fantasy wasting away while I go forth and conquer the world and look down upon your little hidey-hole. Real badasses charge the frontline. Right?

Still, I like my stories.

Thankful

In the spirit of the season, quick list of things I'm thankful for.

Family: We're not a picture perfect family, but it's always nice to be at home and hang with the family. And the fact we're all still around, even if some of use are spread out, is a really special thing as well. It's the fact that these people have known me all my life and still can put up with me that gives me hope.
Friends: Over the years I've accumulated a few of these. And this is beyond just "acquaintances" or people I "know," for which I feel extremely fortunate. Granted, I'm pretty thankful for those people as well, and potentially some of these will reach the inner circle eventually. It's just I'm super duper thankful people who aren't related by blood can stand me.
A Job: Thank goodness I've got one. No, it's not a dream job, but hey, can't argue at all with positive income.
Sanity: You'd be surprised how hard it is to get this stuff man. And to not waste the amount you have on hand.
Health: As much as I complain about my genes and lack of being a buff badass I'm relatively healthy. Which is awesome. It means when people say, "let go rock climbing " I can go "sure" and not freak out if my knees are going to give way. Or that I have to check various meals to make sure I don't swell up and die. Sure the bad eyesight and allergy meds I take every day are a hassle, but I ain't dead yet.

So yeah, life's not quite terrible. Also, food is tasty. And now to get some sleep, for which I'm extremely thankful for. Mostly 'cause I get quite the entertainment while sleeping. Seriously, my dreams are a combo of awesome and quality crazy.

A Wish

Man this thing is dusty.

Anyways, was thinking about what I would wish for if I had a wish. You know, like a genie or something like that popped out and decided to grant me a single wish. The typical story about how this would go is I'd wish for power, or fame, or money, and then it would either backfire or not be what I expected or something like that. Or I'd be selfless and wish for world peace and the world was a better place, or worse sometimes. Or there's the ones where it does come true and everything turns out well, like in Aladdin. For now, to keep tings simple, let's assume it all works out.

I oddly think I would choose to see what the world would be like without me, similar to in It's a Wonderful Life.

Perhaps it's a touch vain, but I think it would be really interesting to see what my life is worth. From my personal view, I don't myself causing huge swings in history. George Bailey in It's a Wonderful Life had some remarkable events in his life, such as saving his brother's life and how he dealt with his boss Mr. Gower the druggist. I don't think I've had that kind of impact in history. And from what I can tell I haven't changed people's lives drastically. Sure I've had a few rivals, some interesting friendships, and held positions of power and influence but all-in-all nothing terribly remarkable.

So, I wonder, what would the world be like without me? Would my absence have caused a butterfly effect ripple and many of my friends would be dead or vastly different? Or perhaps there would be differences but they were subtle, like a sibling chose a slightly different career or a friend holds a different religion.

Or, I wonder, would I have been simply replaced by others in people's lives and life went on without me.

It's quite the vain wish, to see how important your life was, and yet I still wonder.

Truthfully, what would you wish for?

New Mantras

OK, thinking on a few things and I think I have a new set of mantras to live by.

When at Advantage, do as Little as possible.

This relates particularly well to playing co-op games or leading groups. Basically, when you're in a dominant position either by experience (you've played this game professionally for a few years) or intent (you read the passage 'cause you're the one presenting the lesson) you should do as little as possible. Let the others grow, develop, and succeed. It helps no one if you dominate the forum. They will learn very little, you will look overbearing, stuff falls apart.

One keen example is at LAN parties. I've fallen into this trap sooo many times. I'm really, really good at certain games, and since it's my relaxation time I figure time to make myself feel good by dominating the enemy team. The only problem is by crushing them I don't make them feel "oh, Trevin is so amazing, I want to be like him one day." Instead, they just get frustrated that they can't contribute and they just leave. Similarly this happens at times in small groups. I've grown up in the church and so I have a pretty darn good grasp of many complex subjects. But just supplying the "right" answer every time doesn't help anyone else learn. They just end up resenting me or feeling like they aren't contributing.

The caveat is don't do nothing. It is still your responsibility to keep things going. Play an active role in teaching and nurturing. Rain down praise when people do things right. Guide new people. Facilitate. If the group is getting lost in the discussion, calmly nudge them back on track.

But DO NOT tip your hand that you are pulling your punches. Or else they'll feel like you're looking down on them and belittling them.

When at a Disadvantage, go all out

Now, for the opposite. If you're the newbie, the out-of-shape guy at the frisbee game, the fresh intern, go all out. Make a fool of yourself stumbling. Run yourself ragged. Take as active part as you can until you're in the group mentioned above.

The worst thing you can ever do is stay passive, try to carefully cultivate your skills, then think you can waltz onto stage and go TA-DA, look how much I did all by myself! For one thing, good luck catching up. For another, you've wasted valuable time that could have been spent using the resources at your disposal. Grab a mentor, bug people with questions, be humble and ask for help when you don't understand instead of running into what the pros know is an obvious trap. Or worse, get defensive when you do screw up and moan back that it's all THEIR fault.

Bringing it back to games, this is how you learn DotA/HoN/LoL. You loudly announce you're a noob, people will help. Die a bunch of times due to incompetence, get called a feeder noob by your team, get defensive, game goes bad due to infighting and slurs, not the way to do things. Similarly, as the new hire I keep oscillating between being the pest who is learning by leaps and bounds how to do my job and the quiet "studious" one who gets bored out of his mind because he doesn't understand the words on his screen. Yes, I am bothering my mentor if I ask questions while they're in the middle of some huge analysis, but I don't help my team by staying incompetent longer.

Of course, don't be stupid. Being a constant pest, loudly making the excuse that you're new and useless, only makes you a whiner and a pest. Get your head down, power through, but every time you eat dirt pick yourself up and see if there's any pointers you can glean from your betters.

OK, now that I've published to the world, time to try living by them. Wish me luck.

Explorations on Google+

OK, blog time about the amazingness that is Google+. Seriously. The only reason I'm not using it 100% of the time is not all my friends have been given the chance to jump over. Thoughts and critiques commence!

The "Friend Request"

While it's easy to say it's "Facebook but not Facebook" I'm starting to realize that's fundamentally incorrect. I mean, yeah, you could use it exactly like Facebook. But that's not its underlying rationale and structure.

Really, it's basic structure is more Twitter-ish. By default you might fire off Public Posts that anyone who is following you can see. But you have some subsets that you share more personal stuff with, like Family or Friends-only, and Google+ is happy to oblige you.

This is different from the Facebook model. Note that to see what others do, you just need to follow them. It's a unidirectional transaction. Contrast this to Facebook where you have to confirm your Friend Request, and then everything is shared between the two parties bilaterally. In fact, I have several people on Facebook I've friended then summarily hid from my feed 'cause I'm using it like a Rolodex and don't actually care about what is going on in their lives, or I don't share things with my "Limited" friends because I figure I'm not as caught up with them, they probably don't care about my stuff anyways.

Obviously you can replicate this Facebook Friend behavior. Google+ tells you who is following (but not what circle you've been placed into) and you can promptly follow back. Friend Request Accepted! Commence 2-way spam! (This is also apparently what most of use are doing right now)

However, really what following someone means is not "are you my friend" but instead "do I care about what you post and share and see what is going on in your life." And perhaps it's mutual. Perhaps it's not.

The Subsets and Supersets of Circles

Google+'s main cool feature is a really, really nice way of organizing your friends. These Circles though allow you to share stuff with specific sets of friends. Some of the obvious ones are Family-Only announcements. Some more creative ones I'm are people making specific lists for sharing a particular part of their life, like music they found or links on the internet. Personally I'm building a "Spammable" circle for my link propagation habits. (These are often opt-in and people will post seeing who wants in. Hopefully a feature will come that will allow us to make these circle opt-in from the other side instead of us manually sorting the masses.)

Since we can place the same person in several circles, you suddenly have a very interesting potential set of overlapping circles, just like modeling your real life. Currently I've sorted people mostly by my relationship to them, and the Spammable circle is a way to mash a bunch of them together from disparate parts of my social network. This way I still have a network of individuals sorted, but only the closer ones regardless of other circles get my spam.

Of course, if you instead want to use it as originally intended, just push most of your stuff as Public and use Circles for specifically targeted messages and conversations. I'm sure as time goes on we'll see more ideas and structures develop using this feature.

HANGOUT ARE AWESOME

Probably the most badass feature so far are Hangouts. It's group video chat, up to 10 people. Sure Skype and Ventrilo and many others have similar things, but Google+ has 2 major advantages.

Sure, there's video. And that's kinda awesome to see people's faces again and their expressions as they laugh or give you the stare.

The kicker is the natural casual nature of the hangouts. Two people can just be "Hanging out" and a button shows up on Google+ to let you join in. Boom, instantly you're in! THAT'S AWESOME!!! It's like my olde East Dorm Lounge. Walk in, people are there, chill, leave when you want. None of this "setup a call" or "did so-and-so invite me to that group". Well. You could do that via Circles and just not invite people. But still, Hangouts provide a really nice way for people to just walk into the meeting and chill with friends. This feature alone is egging me on to finally buy a webcam. (I know, no smartphone, no webcam, still stuck in the 2000s)

Google Integration

A really, really sweet feature is you can see the notifications on any (well, almost any) Google App page. Your top bar that typically tells you all the Google Apps you can switch to gains a notification spot and a field you can use to quickly share something you just found.

Number shows up for how many notifications you have, you can review them and quickly see just the updates, then resume your Gmail or Google Searching. That feature alone, that I don't have to keep a Facebook Tab open, is gonna be the downfall of mankind's productivity I guarantee you. And instantly sharing? Oh goodness me.

Still some Rough Edges

So, that Google Integration? Somehow it doesn't work on Calendar. D'oh. Also, using the "Share" system on Google Reader doesn't appear to load it into Google+ (yet). And Vimeo video embeds don't work. And they won't let us invite more people. And apparently it hasn't rolled out to Google Apps so go setup a GMail / Google Account if you want to partake. And obviously since it has no data it can't suggest people to you very well yet so you'll have to search people manually.

EDIT: Apparently it doesn't catch my Blogger Posts either! /EDIT

"Better" Privacy

Well, at least it's not randomly popping stuff up like a stalker on other pages and it's way easier to only send stuff privately to a subset of your buddies and there aren't any subversive data mining 3rd-party applications, but you know Google wants all your data. COOOOKIES. OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM

But seriously, even with the Buzz and a slight oopsie here, Google has had a better track record on privacy than Facebook. And while it's still getting out the kinks in letting me custom tailor my privacy settings to lockdown mode, the bonus of using Circles to carefully cull who gets what sensitive info is a huge plus already.

The BIG Question:

Will it beat Facebook?

Dunno. The biggest issue is can you get the adoption rate? Social networks like this only work if everyone else is using it so you use it too. And getting that critical mass is what makes or breaks it. Also, tearing people away from Farmville.

For most of my friends, we're flocking to it ASAP. So, it's gained critical mass for a few of my circles. But there are several other still left out in the cold. Even with some of its oddities and bugs I like it and frankly I bet a bunch of my non-as-tech-savvy friends would like it too.

The Problem with Saying You're Sorry

I've noted something interesting. A lot of people say "Oops, I'm sorry" or "I need to work on that." This can be something skill based, like your macro in Starcraft 2. It could also be something you did, like cheating. The problem is not everyone actually makes a change.

We seem to fall into the trap that saying "I'm sorry" is so powerful and special that often times it's enough to just bow your head in humility. And in response we reciprocate and forgive the offending party. End of story?

No.

The problems persist. They aggravate and we just keep going "oops" and walking away. Sometimes it's just a personality quirk in a friend, like a certain catch phrase or driving technique. Other times it's a habitual problem that ruins lives, like infidelity.

We really need to look for the core problem and fix it.

Sean Plott (Day[9]) does a show on learning to be better at Starcraft 2 and has a segment every week called Newbie Tuesday. On one recent episode he comments that you shouldn't just say, "Oh, I need to work on my macro" you need to find out what was wrong and fix it. In his example game he shows the player forgetting to always produce workers, a critical error that slows down your resource collection throughout the match. He even comments that saying, "Oh, I should work on always making workers" is insufficient. Make a plan and execute it. For example, keep that building on a hotkey and constantly check it ALL GAME EVERY SECOND. Excessive? Sure. Real Pros at the game know when to jump to the building and make a new one. But you're not a pro, and this plan will ensure you will always be making workers.

Similarly I often fall into the trap of not listening intently. "Oh, I should work on that" sounds good, and apologies to all parties injured by my negligence are nice, but really I have to focus on the core issue. I think whatever I'm doing is more important. Obviously the other person will remind me later and I'll remember it then, right? WRONG. So to train myself, I need to always give my full attention every time someone talks to me. Even in the middle of doing other things, drop it and give my full attention. Also, taking up note taking so I don't have to rely on my sometimes spotty memory. Sure I may only mess up remembering things 10% of the time, but sometimes those are critical things I forget.

It's really odd how we've fallen into this trap. Are apologies so rare and forgiveness so foreign that we feel sufficiently absolved when we use them? Perhaps. It's often a huge story any time someone gives a formal apology. Instead we seem to focus on saving face properly and weaseling out of the situation. Or perhaps it's just short-term reverence and really we don't care when we apologize? I hope not, because I've been fairly sincere every time I apologize.

Are there areas you need to finally make a plan to fix? How do you evaluate what the core issues are in your life?

Infatuation with Stories

I think I have a slight infatuation with stories.

I really enjoy telling them and hearing/reading them. Often times, it doesn't even need to be that great of a story to get me hooked.

There are times they get tedious. Or really obvious. At which point I can stop. And this applies to TV series too. I dropped out mid-season of several shows that had connecting storylines mostly because I got bored/pissed/annoyed.

I'm not sure why this is true.

Telling stores is a little obvious. I get to control the mood and timbre of things. I also enjoy sharing. And sometimes it's the only way to keep the silence away. I'm perfectly willing to fill conversation gaps with my voice if needed and then back off the instant someone interjects. I also enjoy the crafting elements and making it all flow together. Best of all when you can describe something super complex elegantly and to someone who didn't expect they'd understand, i.e. most engineering I do.

Hearing stories perhaps hearkens to middle school and high school. There was an element of control, things would resolve, good triumphs, etc. Gave a nice balance to my otherwise hectic life. I could spend an entire day wrapped up in another world, breathing it in, and forgetting the reality around me.

Even the narrative of simple things intrigue me. The stories of game development, simple faux pas events, or the crafting of a meal.

Are other's the same?

I Hate Online Banking

So, I try to log into my account today. It claims my password/username don't match and therefore we have a problem. I type it all in again, still no dice.

OK, I'll just reset my password!

Go through the security checks, at the end it asks me to set a new password. I type in my olde password I was just trying.

"Your new password must be different from your old password"

Wait.

You're telling me this is my password on file.

The one I'm typing in now.

The one you JUST SAID was a mismatch.

Update on Life

Hm missed last week. Oh wellz. Hi to the 5-10 people who actually read this when things get posted. =p

Anyways, time to take a break on "insightful" posts because I'm kinda stumped. Here's a few ideas I've been tossing around

• Are we looking at the wrong numbers?
• HoNvLoL again (but just the major points)
• Gamer v1.5

But, meh, I don't feel like taking the time to write that stuff down. So you get dull life story instead!

Anyways, last weekend was the Catalyst Spring Retreat. For those who are in Catalyst who missed out, um, you missed out! I mean, getting to see Landon, Eddie, Jon, and Tim wail on branches and logs? Operating pneumatic log splitters? Awesome food? Leaving Matt in the forested hills to fend for himself? BONFIRE? \o/

Thesis has been going well, I guess. I've hit the minimum required 60 pages, except that count includes stuff like the Table of Contents, Title Page, Glossary, etc. I still have a few sections to write, could probably beef up several parts, and need to spend a day making figures. I could also drown out another 10 pages by inserting sample code. But, suffice to say it's nice to finally hit a major milestone, even if it did take me 2 weeks to grind this out on top of refreshing my memory on using LaTeX (heck yeah tables). Now if only I could get some revisions back from the professors.

Grading is a pain. Enough said.

Car has been used, and will be used. But I'm mostly biking around Davis because parking is atrocious at UCD and I like the exercise. I noticed that after a decent hike at the retreat I was sure I'd be sore all along my calves and thighs, being mostly out of shape and all, but woke up the next day not sore at all. That's biking legs for ya. Now if only I could automatically work my back and arms every day. Silly desk job. But back to the car, it's really been useful for carting people around Davis already. Still have to get an oil change and a solid look-over by a mechanic, but overall it's running well and serves me well. And really I can't complain for the price D gave me on it.

Next up are a series of get togethers with some dudes, Picnic Day, and running A/V as the main point man Sunday Evening. Gonna be fun, especially since it's the college kids doing worship too. So, College kids running sound, slides, worship, and maybe even announcements. Would have been hilarious if the college pastor was also giving the sermon. Then it'd be just like Monday nights, except in a bigger room with older people participating. =p

Anyhows, that's a light dump on my goings on. Laterz.

Basis of Attraction

I blame one of my female friends for asking pointed questions which then forced me to resolve my views on this topic. You know who you are.

Let's talk for a moment about attraction/dating/relationships. Or, more accurately, my views on them. Feel free to fill the comments section with your own opinions.

For this post, I am focusing on what attributes of a female attract my interest. These roughly fall into two categories.

First, we have the logical ideal woman. This is from years of hearing about what is good for a relationship, things I find desirable, etc. The double-talk list is as follows:

• Intelligent.
• Stable, but willing to change and learn.
• Reserved, but not closeted nor reclusive.
• Energized, but not over-the-top.
• Responsible, but not meddling.
• Humble, but not subservient.
• Stand up for what she believes in, but willing to concede if proven wrong.
• Pretty, but not vain.

You get the picture. =p

Then, there are things that I pick up on when I first meet a girl that instantly hit me in the gut. Logical reasons be damned.

One of the notables is passion and skill. I have a particular weak point for musically talented individuals. Probably because of how many years I've sunk into my own musical skills (with subpar results) and how much music affects me. This is especially true if she can sing and/or play piano/keyboard. Also, being passionate about what they do is key. Just having skill is one thing, and typically the category I fall into. Taking your skills to a whole new level is exciting and definitely draws me to the person. Dunno why, but this is all an instant attention grabber for me.

Another would be a common interest such as games. It's one of the major venues that I can spend oodles of time on, especially when playing with other people. I have literally walked into rooms knowing no one, then played a few games with people and we're buddies. Plus, I love discussing how to play them better and on designing better, interesting, and fair games. Other notables include things like anime, music (see above), faith, cooking, and whatever else.

Ironically while looks can help, they don't have quite the same internal instinctive draw for me. This might be due to self-training and constantly telling myself to look for character over looks, but I'll leave the psychoanalysis for someone else. Don't get me wrong, a girl wearing some seriously elegant or well-thought outfit with a body to match is very eye-catching. But it seems to trigger a different set of attraction than the aforementioned ones. Physical beauty and attraction are one things, but strong subtle gravitation is a totally different thing.

Anyways, typically the initial attraction leads to very fast "getting to know" phases, and levels out in favor of a more "logical" approach to candidacy. No surprise there for anyone. As everyone should already know, initial attraction isn't worth squat once you get to know the layers of the person and whether or not you're actually compatible and willing to commit to being in for the long-term. And then things start getting complicated.

A Light Story

The following is as close to a transcription of a dream I had a while ago that I could write. Re-done slightly to explain the gaps of wtf madness that occurs in dreams, and the characters were given names.

-----------------------------------------------

Margaret and Tim stood on the platform, waiting for the train. They happened to be next to each other by coincidence. They had entered the campus from opposite entrances, but through the various tangled webs of service lines and passages and time knots here they were. Both waiting for the train at the same time.

Gracefully the bullet entered the station and the doors slid open. As they entered they both unceremoniously found seats. Margaret opted for a seat next to the aisle. Tim sat one row behind, but one seat inward.

A brief survey of the train showed only one other person in the train. Another young man a few rows towards the front. Otherwise the car was empty. Made sense due to the timing and nature of the schedule. Tim idly began fiddling with his papers.

"Hello," said a voice.

Tim looked up to see the gentleman standing in the aisle, obviously addressing Margaret. Margaret looked at him, gave a small smile with a nod, and turned her head back to resume staring out the window. Tim casually looked back down at his papers.

"I said hello," the man said again. He was now sitting down across the aisle.

"Hi," Margaret responded.

"Oh come now. It's not like I'm going to ask you out. Just trying to make conversation."

Silence.

"Name's Thaddeus by the way."

Tim glanced back up. The young man, Thaddeus, had moved into the seat next to Margaret. Obviously this was all too smooth to be just casual conversation. Tim knew though that Margaret was too smart for that. He had tried a small ploy on the platform and she had returned with the usual iciness.

"And who might you be?" Thaddeus tried, turning to Tim.

"Timothy. Most call me Tim."

"Pleasure to meet you. First time going in to Titan Security I see." Thaddeus nodded at the papers in Tim's hands.

Tim smiled weakly.

"It's a shame I couldn't get the slower train. I had wanted to get a better glimpse of the transit," Thaddeus continued. Tim noted there was a divine musical quality to his voice. Almost a hint of some kind of accent buried deep within as well. It wasn't terribly surprising. Titan Security hired people from all sorts of periods and regions. They had to have the best there ever was.

The train's intercomm announced the train was preparing to leave and for all occupants to please find a seat to avoid interference during transit. Thaddeus rematerialized in the seat across the aisle again.

"Hm, I believe I'll be seeing a few of my old buddies. Margaret will be seeing Mary though."

Margaret perked up.

"Really a shame though. She did always get fixated on those rare few moments. Much like playing a game of dice and rolling a low after as string of highs. Never mind your previous luck, you always fixated on that one roll where the rest caught up and overtook you. And never mind your future luck either."

Thaddeus sighed and sank back into his chair.

"Oh well, should be over quite quickly on this route."

The door hissed shut and the windows blacked out. The train's internal lighting seemed much more harsh than the simulated sunlight of the station platform.

"Really is odd though. I'm guessing you're both third-rates. No Fate running in your lives."

Margaret finally spoke up, "And what would you know about all this? You some kind of Master?"

"Third-class as a matter of fact. I was the unfortunate one who mired about with separating Julien and Jones, and look how well that turned out. Silly of me to try and mess with first-rate Fate players. Cost me a shot at second-class Master status."

Tim was taken back a bit. A Master? First time he'd ever met one. It was rare for anyone to get a handle on time manipulation, and even more rare for them to casually be taking a train.

Granted, they had nothing on those who had Fate running their lives. If you were fortunate enough to have Fate, it didn't matter what others tried to do. Eventually things ran their course, sometimes in the most extreme ways. There were legends about Masters being asked to change a Fate line and try their hardest the universe would rearrange itself back in alignment with the original, give or take a few thousand lives. It was why the Masters Guild was even formed in the first place, to ensure they could notice, catalogue, and reconcile the Fate lines and to make sure Masters didn't do anything stupid.

Third-rates like Tim though were just chaff. Lucky to even exist in their little corner of the universe. Lucky for their timeline to even exist. Still, he was going to work for Titan Securities. That had to stand for something.

Tim didn't get a chance to really think much more on it. A thin purple veil suddenly ran through the train. As it passed through him he suddenly felt his consciousness collide with whoever else in some other part of the universe used that seat on their trip. It was brief and Titan had figured out how to separate the different pieces back out the other end as they entered Titan itself in the singularity, but for a brief moment it was uncomfortable to be sharing the same mind space as someone else.

As they entered the Titan complex proper, the windows opened up again. Margaret apparently was slightly worse for wear from her encounter with Mary. It wasn't every day you ran into your own time clone. No, that's not quite right. Really Mary was another version of Margaret, but in a separate timeline.

They hated each other.

Due to several infinite crisis events many people had met their double from other universes. Some got along quite well. Others were too similar with just enough difference that they drove each other mad. Margaret and Mary fell into the latter group.

"Well, that was fun." Thaddeus commented.

Thaddeus phased to where his old seat was and picked up his briefcase. "Pleasure talking to you fine folk. Perhaps we'll run into each other some other time."

The train slid into the station. Tim gathered up his papers and stood to leave along with all the others that bustled in the train.

"Welcome to Titan Securities. Please remember that all trans-universe devices are disabled while in Titan. We hope that you enjoyed your transit. You are entering Titan on 1567-point-143. It is 5 o'clock in the evening. Your universal watches have been automatically synchronized."

Tim joined the crowd on the train platform and trudged into the giant building.

Still A Virgin

For those that have known me for a while, this shouldn't surprise you.

For those that don't...um...see topic title!

But yeah. I currently have around a 94 Purity Score last I checked (2008), and I still have yet to do drugs, have hot dates, or anything sexual. Although I have tasted a touch of alcohol since then. Hm. Maybe minus like 1 point, so 93. Still stinkin' high.

This really puts me in an odd situation at times. In some circles I might have what people call "moral high ground" which amounts to pretty much nothing most of the time. Au contraire in other cases this means I'm a total wuss who doesn't know jack squat about the world (or a girl's naughty parts as it were, and I hear it's the Final Frontier of Man).

Now, if we were to turn to popular's culture take on things, I guess it kinda boils down to what kind of virgin I am. The majority of pop culture would side more with Steve Carell in 40-Year Old Virgin. While I do enjoy making people laugh, I hopefully am not as completely and woefully unprepared for the world beyond my little toys. Then on the other end is Marcus of Babylon 5. Saving yourself for that special someone has been my defining philosophy. However, I'm not nearly as badass as him, and I don't have an awesomely cool British accent. Phooey. Although [spoilarz] his death does tickle the romantic in me [/spoilarz].

Now, obviously there are reasons for this current state.

Let's start with the negatives. I don't deal well with letting people get close to me. Still something I'm working on. History and stuff. Ask me personally if you'd like to know. Also, I'm obviously a touch of a nerd. Not exactly your stereotypically ideal dating material, unless you have some weird sick mind of being a manipulative gold digger, at which point I'd notice and avoid you like the plague.

On more neutral ground it's a mix of things. Didn't see the point for most of my life (i.e. High School), especially since I didn't know where I'd end up. Location of settling down is quite important, and a major concern. Some of my male colleagues have mentioned this is silly in some respects, and having a long-range relationship can really help iron stuff out and interpose a touch of trial, which all relationships need now and then to mature.

On a rationalizing side I could claim there aren't suitable mates, and this is mostly true. I've noted with some of my friends that some of the principle characteristics I look for are compatibility in values, intellect, interests, and so forth. Unfortunately there is a shortage of girls that fit the ideal. Imagine that, reality not being the ideal. Someone get me a prize in Original Philosophy. The pool gets worse because of my aforementioned nerdy tendencies. Doubled that any that I do encounter usually get taken pretty quickly. And my lack of a 6-pack set of abs.

However, one nice upside is I seem to have a fairly good control of lust. I never have issues of thinking about my female friends in a degrading manner, and am totally OK with talking just to talk. Yes there are those I'm attracted to, but I can put it out of my mind pretty easily. Granted, due my naivety of what I'm missing, this could all go up in smoke the moment someone actually challenges me on this front, so this is more of a "maybe."

As for health, I'm pretty sure my mental and physical characteristics are within reason. No weird "hormone build-up" or something odd like that. And I haven't taken up killing women or something silly like that either, and as I mentioned above I'm actually the opposite of a walking hormone, perhaps because of my situation. Really it's something that doesn't bother me too much while I keep myself busy with other matters, like making friends and graduating from school. And while my doctors always ask me twice if I'm "sexually active" just to make sure I'm not lying, they haven't mentioned anything wrong with me yet medically.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, this is also why I wear a silver purity ring.

So, there you have it. A set of rambling points on a portion of my life.

PS. In case you were wondering, we're defining this virginity as covered by the definition of SPORK. For those who do not know what that means, boohoo.

PPS. As a disclaimer, I am NOT looking for someone to "cure" me.

Biking is Theraputic

One nice advantage of only having a bike is that each day I am required to spend at least 30 minutes pedaling.

Note that biking is way more relaxing than driving a car. And has more exercise involved.

So, I get a chance to randomly reflect on things. It's quite nice really.

I've solved problems I've been working on for several hours.

I've remembered to call/text various friends.

I've thought up new designs and game mechanics.

I've brought up better comebacks for next time.

I've mulled over what I could have done better when talking with X.

I've planned Bible Studies. Not all of one, but a small portion I thought was weak.

I've contemplated my death.

I've contemplated where I am in life and if I'm happy with it.

I've processed how bloody cold/windy/wet it is and how awesome it is that I can't see because the water is getting in my eyes even with my glasses which are now fogging up.

It's quite nice really.

List of Skills

I've found that people tend to over and underestimate my abilities. Partially this has been by design. Perhaps call it a fascination with holding secret information so that I can apply it at will when it helps me the most. Perhaps see it as an idealized view that some day I will be "discovered." Perhaps view it as a cowardly way to be able to talk big but never perform. Doesn't matter. I rarely tip my hand on my true skills.

So, to counter that, enjoy a self-created list of my skillset. Probably incomplete.

Core Skills

Musician (keyboard and flute)

Cooking

Programming

Gaming (strategy, FPS)

Administration/Organizing (especially parties)

Presentation / Public Speaking

Taking on Awkwardness at will (and shrugging it off)

A/V

Problem Solving / Debugging

Biblical Reference

Driving (manual)

Wasting Time

Electronics

Vestigial Previously Practiced Skills

Classical Piano

Tennis

Basketball

Machine Shop

Basic Training

Mixed Martial Arts

Ultimate Frisbee

Snowboarding

Dancing

Writing

Relationships

Tact in correction

Politics

Singing

Poetry

Dramatic Readings

Acting

Stage Building

Map Design

Hacking

Game Design

Robots

Photography / Picture Editing

Video Editing

Is Moddability Required?

PC Gamers like to bitch and moan about some very specific things. We complain about bad ports. We complain about not getting content. We complain about DRM.

One of the oddest complaints though is about moddability and dedicated servers.

It's a good complaint given our history. Great games like Half-Life provided gamers not only with a solid game, but also the tools to make their own content. This led to not only customizations but even led to some of the biggest game changers in the industry. Counter-Strike, Team Fortress, Civilization 5's development team, and many more are the direct result of gamers getting into the guts of a game, making new and innovative features, and then sending them along to the playerbase.

It jives very well with the PC Gamer's mentality. We are hardwired to try and get the most out of our money no matter what. We overclock our hardware. We demand games to last 40+ hours of exciting gameplay for our $50. And that is besides having a competitive and fun multiplayer to boot. We really truly are greedy. And so mods were awesome. You already own the game, now enjoy this mod which takes the game and makes it better, or maybe even makes a whole new game. And sometimes that new game even is more successful than the original.

Truly we have a rich history of modding and control. Not only do we make whole new game types, but we also tweak our servers to cater to specific desires. If the original online multiplayer didn't have persistent stats, we added them in. If we wanted to let players purchase reserved slots so they could always join by kicking a non-paid member, we added it in. If we wanted to change the game to one-shot kills, infinite grenades, and the ability to fly, we modded it in.

However, I think we may have reached a turning point.

With the rise of digital distribution, we now have outlets to sell smaller, less polished, nuggets of games. Games that only last a few hours and priced at $5 are available to mass consumption. Before, the only way to get your game out was through forums, downloads, and your rewards were accolades of praise and the occasional donations. Now, you can sell instantly. Also, indie games are well cataloged and tracked in order to be sold. The modding community lacks the same kind of structure universally with only a few select ever making headlines, and typically these are only for first-person shooters. Indie games show up on front pages of Steam, the largest digital distributor of PC games. Mods of varying quality show up every now and then in a magazine.

We have reached saturation of games. There are more games available than you can ever play, even if you're a dedicated game tester. So, everyone must now be judicious about what they purchase. What little time they still have has to be spread over several releases. Gone is the time when one game would rule as king for several months. Now there are block buster games sold every month of the year, and lots of smaller games every day. And that's just for the PC. Many people also play on other systems, such as their iPhone, Nintendo DS, XBox, Wii, PlayStation, browser Flash games, Facebook, and many others. Do you need your game to last you six months? Not really, there's plenty of other games to take its place.

We have reached the point where tools and standalone engines are commonplace. You don't need to own a game on the iPhone before you can play the next Tower Defense game. You don't need a game to develop a new game for the iPhone. You register as a developer, download the tools, and start building. Similarly, the Unity Engine, Unreal Development Kit (UDK), and many other platforms allow you to rapidly build a game within an engine and then send it out as a standalone package independent of other games. Even more amazing is how quickly anyone can build a game using these tools. I remember hacking around in the StarCraft World Editor and just trying to build a basic Chess game. It took me over a week of hard work. Now I could build something similar in a day using these tools. It is astonishing how robust and easy to use for quick design these tools are.

The average gamer is not some punk in the basement. It's everyone from 5-year olds to grandparents. Very few will ever step foot in a forum, do the research to find a mod, and most can't even be hassled to apply patches let alone the 5 step process to install a mod and check for compatibility between mods. The visibility of mods is rapidly dimishing in proportion to the growing gamer player base. While extremely vocal, often time the forumites are the smallest minority yet.

More and more games are coming out with little to no mod support period. The vast majority will only include something simple like a map editor, but no deep set of tools to retailor the engine to your whims. As long as players can make their own maps and maybe add a few cute features, we appear to be satisfied as long as we get patches and new features are promised.

All of these factors in my mind spell an end to modding as a driving requirement for games. Instead, all the great modders have realized they can just build their game using other tools and sell it for money. Using moddability as a requirement for longevity is a joke for the majority of games. Gamers move on within the month, and there is no revenue in mods, just a happier (and very small and select) forum fanbase.

There will still be a place for mods. Great mods still appear and shake up the world. See things like Portal: Prelude which shook the community. A recent mod Nehrim for Oblivion is gorgeous and adds so much to the game. Gamers continue to create patches for "unfinished" games like Vampires: The Masquerade, Knights of the Old Republic 2, and S.T.A.L.K.E.R. It is also still a hot bed for beginners to mess around and being adding new items and small tweaks to the content. However, as a driving force, as something that developers should strive to include, I see little merit anymore. There are better, more profitable ways for up and coming game developers to break into the market. There is higher visibility and more investors awaiting in the indie scene. And the innovation for the past year hasn't come from modders but from small independent developers making their own unique engines, game mechanics, and visuals. They didn't start with a foundation besides their ideas. Why burden them with learning the way your game did things when they can just make their own system?

Truly the only reason to have mod support is to satisfy the annoying group who keep complaining about not having enough control over their own game. And slowly they are getting drowned out in the noise.

Hindsight: HMC's Caustic Environment and the Downfall of Crack

I must first note that I truly loved my time at Harvey Mudd College. I still recommend it as an excellent school, I still look back fondly on my time there, and I wouldn't change what I did there for anything. However, I recently have come to the conclusion that its community is going about things the wrong way.

Arriving my freshman year we were greeted with a variety of things. New roommates. New classes. Tradition and scheduling and alcohol and games and projects that would suck your soul and professors who did AMAZING things.

One thing I gravitated towards was something called Crack in the AC. This is a LAN party held every weekend in the Academic Computing Labs. We played a game called Natural Selection in those days, a very complicated RTS/FPS blended game with Marines and Aliens and tech trees and buildings and jetpacks. It was amazing. The first time I went, I had no idea what I was doing, but I had a blast. I decided then and there I was going to get good at that game and hang out with these people. I even aspired to be as good if not better than a particular gamer Manxome at commanding, to kill Prions repeatedly, and lead my team to victory every game.

I eventually took over leadership of running the event. However, over my four years at HMC I noticed we progressively had less and less people at these weekly gatherings. There was always a resurgence at the beginning of a year, but quicker and quicker people would stop showing up until in the later weeks we just didn't play due to lack of players.

I pondered for the longest time why, and came up with a few reasons.

First, one change I had made was to allow the legendary alums to play with us. I opened up the game server to the internet. While this did provide us with an additional 5-10 players initially, many our friends from years past, it also had the effect of splitting up the people. You no longer were all in the same room, you couldn't shout at the top of your lungs and have everyone hear you. That sense of comradery, the antics that occurred every week, were now missing. Not to mention it was frustrating to communicate with those not in the room via text chat.

Secondly, games moved away from being PC centric. Students would often spend their nights huddled in their rooms around a console instead with their close friends. Why go to a PC LAN party? I don't play PC games!

A really big problem was aging hardware. Trying to play some of the more advanced games were difficult with low framerates, stutters, and crashes. So, some students eventually stopped coming to the labs and just played from their rooms on their personal gaming rigs, and sometimes the effects showed as they curbstomped those actually in the labs.

We lost a core group of gamers to really invigorate others to join in. Without a strong core set of players who were always there and always eager to play until 2am, you didn't have a sense of wanting to join them.

We started earlier and so ended earlier. It became common for people to bow out at midnight instead of at 2am since we started at 9pm instead of 10pm. These short spurts of games instead of epic long streaks hurt the community feeling.


But perhaps greatest of all were the "competitive" gamers.

We began to have more and more players who would practice and become exceedingly good at games. This would be at first glance a great thing. Now you can be on the team of an amazingly dominating player! However, the downsides were plentiful. Complaints about losing due to team imbalance grew exponentially. Getting angry at teammates for doing "stupid" things. The feeling of never being able to get to their level. And the worst was these competitive gamers would usually only play games they were good at, making them sporadic attendees, and often they only wanted to play and not spend time helping others unless it helped them win.

This didn't dawn upon me until later, but I think it highlights something very crucial about the HMC community. It is full of people competing.

Now, HMC's community is actually quite nice in comparison to the majority of schools. It tends to be supportive and helpful and no one is ever cutthroat. Collaborative work is a hallmark of assignments and projects. We are highly encouraged to give aid and ask for help when we get stuck. The Honor Code means we all trust each other with our stuff and even our lives at times.

However, there is an undertone of performance is superiority. If you are not noteworthy in a certain area, you simply are not noteworthy.

This leads to a very strong urgency to prove yourself and perform well. Also, you must be evaluated fairly. So, when you do fail, perhaps it was someone else's fault, and you MUST point that out or else someone might think you're inferior to what you really are.

One of the most common and prevalent ways to do this is to "complain" about how much work you have, the misery you've experienced, and how little sleep you have. In reality, it's more like boasting. I had to work myself through two papers, an all-night MATLAB assignment, AND get thesis done this week. But it's complaining. It's a call for sympathy. It's a call for look at how much my life sucks but I've done it anyways. I am downtrodden, beaten, and so I deserve your attention and respect. Oh my bleeding heart.

Also, if you were an expert, it was your duty to correct others and point out their mistakes. You moron, you don't do it that way! You're smarter than that! Sure you are "helping" correct the mistake and "encouraging" them that they could have found it themselves, but are you really helping? They know the right answer, but feel silly that they didn't realize it. You are so much smarter than me!

It may sound innocuous at first, but I seriously bought into it. It drove me into a very strong sense of cynicism. I was never good enough, look at all my gaping wounds, woe is me. You moron, why'd you do something stupid like that? And only recently was I able to identify it and try to change my perspective.

I admit it was not of my own amazing perceptive powers, nor is the change easy. I have the people at Catalyst to thank, especially M.Robbins who pointed this out to me. So now I continually work on looking not for failures but instead for things I can praise and affirm as being awesome. Positive reinforcement instead of negative reprimand. Affirmation instead of tearing people down, including to myself.

That isn't to say you just gloss things over. Truth in love is a phrase thrown around in church to mean when you sometimes have to tell those you love the hard truth about what's going on and how they have hurt themselves or you or others. But you don't come down on their heads in public with harsh words and censure and make them defensive and unwilling to change. You approach the problem with care, with love, affirmation for what they do right, and guidance on how to change what is wrong. It takes a lot of effort, care, and practice to get right, but you put in that effort because you care about the recipient.


This is not a problem isolated to HMC. I see this occurring everywhere. It's easy to just complain and fish for sympathy from your peers. It's easy to complain about what's going on in politics and the economy. It is hard to do something positive about it. And that is my challenge for myself and for you: to do the hard but better thing.

Odd Relations

Not sure if this happened to you, but back during my Middle School and High School years I heard a lot about this thing called "peer pressure" that we had to be wary of. Don't let your buddies change you or pressure you into doing potentially hazardous things. Feel free to express yourself even if it goes against the crowd. Don't think all the cool kids are doing drugs. And so on.

It was a tad odd since I pretty much ignored these lectures. Because I had no real friends.

Yeah, there were some people I knew and could relate to. During High School I had lots of people, especially in Band, that I hung out with and chatted with quite regularly. And perhaps my definition of a friend is a little odd. But I honestly didn't have people who I cared enough about that I felt like there was "peer pressure."

There were obviously other forces at play, I just don't classify them as "peer pressure". For one thing there was the general crowd feel. You didn't want to speak out against certain things or else you'd be labeled as uncool. You obviously acted certain ways to certain people. But I could identify all of these and didn't feel particularly constrained by them. In fact, it is perhaps due to my nonchalant feelings that certain things worked out in my life. I consistently was on very friendly terms with the teachers since I was never afraid of them. I was very comfortable with opening up to the college admissions since I didn't particularly care what they thought about me. I previously noted that I simply worked hard at my courses, not caring about the grades but that I put in my best effort. I didn't realize until near the end of my senior year there were even rankings based on GPA, that I was in the top 10, AND I hadn't been padding my GPA by taking as many AP classes as possible and avoiding non-AP classes (i.e. Band). Even when I found that out, I was all like, "huh, that's neat" and just went on with life.

But, that's just the past.

Recently I've met and connected with people that I would consider my friends. It's almost weird using that phrase. Friends. However, this brings up a tough and odd dilemma. I care about them, and I care about what they think about me, so suddenly I have "peer pressure" problems.

I actually talked about this once in a small group. We were talking about being authentic. Specifically, allowing ourselves as Christians to act like Christians not just on Sunday. However, I also brought up the subject of trying to change ourselves. Is it OK or even possible to try and change yourself for the better for the benefit of your friends? I want to impress and be accepted by a group, so is it OK to try and change myself to fit in?

We came to the consensus that you can try to be the best possible person of yourself, but you can't change who you are. Fundamentally putting on a mask just to be accepted is not the way to happy fun friend time, no matter how appealing it is in the short term.

But it truly is an odd thing. Only in recent years have I had people who I just might do something stupid for just for our friendship. I finally get what all those talks about "peer pressure" really meant. I almost feel like I ended up growing up about four years behind everyone else and am now playing catch-up.

Luckily I listened to the talking heads back in High School, so I at least have the theory down. Let's see how well I can practice them.

The Chinese Method I Experienced

Initial reading

I realize this is quite some time since this article, but I thought I'd throw in some stuff on the topic.

NOTE: I am 3rd generation Chinese and 4th generation Japanese. Therefore, I am not a fount of knowledge on direct Chinese nor Japanese methods.

As per usual, this is rough draft writing. I rarely edit things.

I was raised with one basic tenant: do your best.

This applies to many things. Do your best academically. Do your best musically. Apply yourself in a reasonable manner. This meant that getting things like Bs were typically unacceptable.

I did quite well for myself. I took 9 AP tests and got 5s on the majority of them. I made it into Harvey Mudd College and graduated in 4 years. I was accepted into a Masters program and will begin work at Intel in the summer. I took about 13 years of piano lessons, threw in a few years of private flute lessons, was Flute section leader in Band and was known for my excellence in drill downs, musicianship, and leadership. I founded several clubs, played tennis, did basketball with the church team through middle school. I was active in church, joining the A/V team, participating at various functions, helping play for the orchestra at a variety of events. I was well-read for my age, scoring pretty good scores on the SAT. Overall, from an academic perspective, I did pretty well.

My parents had to crack the whip a few times. I was not allowed to not practice piano during the week. If I received low scores there were shakes of the head and threats to ban certain things. Groundings were not uncommon for my sibling when things were out of line or major mishaps had occurred. I often had a feeling that I had to live up to my parents' expectations of me, and wound myself up even harder.

Now, before people start yelling about how cruel and heartless this system is, you need to understand the underlying parts of this method of raising kids. I think the WSJ piece played up the more controversial part, which is that you push and push them into excellence. However, that's not completely true, at least in my case.

My parents were also very in tune with what our capabilities were. If for example I had a very tough teacher, as long as I did my best a B was acceptable. When I headed to college they didn't check up on my grades since they knew they had pounded into me a solid work ethic, and now I had to stand or fall on my own. They understood when I had too much work in one area and so I could relax on something else, like a chore or practicing the piano.

Similarly, my brother is a very different person from me. He's a more "artsy" person. As a result, it wasn't expected for him to be the peak of academics. He didn't get to slack though. There were many times when my parents would come back from a parent conference or see a report card and blast him for getting a B in math. No, he is perfectly capable of getting an A. He got them usually by the end. He was just slacking.

Back to differences! I mentioned I did piano for 13 years. For those playing at home, that means I started at 5 years old. Through my senior year of high school. Please do NOT ask me to come play at your wedding, because I'm pretty bad. However, contrast this to my brother. He quit piano before High School even began. He instead picked up drums and guitar. Oh yeah. Really my parents didn't ming if I made it to my senior year. They were content that I had some music in my system by then. However, I stuck it out just so I could have a super special Senior Recital. My brother just decided nope and did other things.

And that was perfectly OK.

You see, the trick to the Chinese method is to expose and push them at the things they enjoy and you know they can do. I was sent to a variety of sports camps over the summers to sports I was horrible at, like baseball. I was a constant attendee of Science Camps. However, you don't arbitrarily push forever and ever. Or rather, you shouldn't. Instead, while kids don't know what's best for them you assert your authority and make them do things that pay off in the end. Those piano lessons? Totally worth it. I had a really fun time with the recital, it was quite the ego booster to get some awesome scores, and the training has really come in handy. There are fewer better ways to impress people (especially ladies) than being able to bust out music skillz. Well, I guess dancing works too.

I mentioned that I played basketball for a while. I admit, I was complete crap at it, as many can attest. However, I was kinda forced to do it. If there is anything I disliked the most, it was probably the basketball. Mostly because I never applied myself to get good, and so I was never that good, and so I kinda just hung around. When I hit High School, I flat out dropped. And my parents were cool with that.

You see, the problem comes when they start to exert forces when the child is completely able to survive on their own. I have a few friends who suffer from this now. One commented that they had achieved everything their parents had asked for, specifically financial success in a solid job. So, the parents could go shove it. I was frankly surprised that their parents were still meddling to that degree even after college. My parents like to know what I'm up to, and like to be involved, but I rarely feel like they're meddling. It's more of an offered hand of help. Meddling pretty much ended around High School.

That doesn't mean they weren't active in my life. In High School they helped shuttle me to all the events, they were integral components in the Band, they helped me decide on a college. This wasn't meddling, this was enabling. They went to every practice, every recital, every parent-teacher conference. They had an active hand in monitoring and cheering me on. There was constant, steady pressure to succeed, and they cheered me on every step of the way.

Contrast to what I saw with some of my other friends. The parents only showed up to crack the whip. When I went over to their house the parents just left us alone. My parents would always greet my guests, check if they needed any food or drinks. I've heard stories about parents who tried to pigeonhole their kids into what they believed the archetype required for "success" as the kid went kicking and screaming.

Again, I did not have any of this. I was encouraged to explore what I wanted, and when I found them I was expected to full my full effort into it.

Granted, as I stated at the beginning, I do not have a purely traditional FOB mother. My father is Japanese. My parents are Christian. We lived in the suburbs of LA. My story is not that of a super-powered-chinese-or-die growing up. I ate a combo of Chinese, Japanese, Mexican, American, Italian, and pretty much everything diet, not rice every night. I am perhaps NOT the typical Chinese upbringing.

Which perhaps is comforting. It means I was able to reap the amazing benefits of the style. I pushed myself to do things I didn't think I could do. I have skills that I am amazingly thankful I have. I have a very strong relationship with my parents because I know they care about me and want what's best for me. However, I don't have the negatives. The sometimes meddling mother. The injured feeling that I don't control my fate. The rebellion that I am merely a product of parental tinkering and not my own exploration.

It means the system can work.

The Fine Line of Being a TA

This is a little dump of some of the benefits and bores of being a TA.

Commence the double-talk.

Advantage: You're not the Teacher

Perhaps the greatest benefit of being a TA is you're a teacher, but not THE teacher. You know, the person who actually has the responsibility to get everything done. You're free to help out the students, but you don't have to do some of the overhead like create a lesson plan, design the homeworks and tests, or get down in the muck for the final grade curving equations. Nope, you're free of all of that. Instead, you get to help the students along and teach what is prescribed for them by the real teacher. Heck, even if you have to do a little pinch-lecturing for them they should provide some notes on what they were going to do and you just have to not fall flat on your face. Sounds like a pretty good gig!

Aggravation: You're not the Teacher

Perhaps the biggest bore of being a TA is that you are completely dependent on the actual teacher. So, if you feel like something was too hard or too soft, you have no say whatsoever. Feel like the class is being poorly taught? Try explaining that to someone who's been doing this for 10+ years and has "honed" their classes into this perfect form they bestow upon the students this day. Timing of assignments and tests? Completely out of your hands. All you can do is shrug, say the professor is on it, and hope for the best.

Advantage: Being the liaison for the students

One really cool thing about being a TA is that you are someone the professor will probably listen to. You're supposed to be their trusted aide. You get their ear! Plus, the students see you as a kind of friend. You're there to help and so if there's grumblings it doesn't take much to get them expressed. Then you can ferry them on up to the professor and changes can be made.

Aggravation: Being in a position of authority

Since you have been bestowed a position of power and are now a duly appointed representative of the school there are certain things you have to be careful of. For one thing, people will take what you say a bit more seriously. This isn't a problem for say advising about how to do homework, but it can come around to bite you if you enjoy sarcastic or off-the-wall humor. If you perform acts unbecoming of your station it will reflect poorly on yourself, the school, and the profession. Even better, you're extra liable. Yup. Do something silly and the whole system may come crashing down on your head. Your body will show up after a few days in the gutter clutching what remains of your research and no one will talk about it again. Seriously. So, don't screw up. Keep the swear words down. Never EVER mention drugs or alcohol. Any degrading comments can be taken out of context and seen as a personal attack and then you're hosed.

Aggravation: Being in a position of authority (part 2)

This problem is doubled in magnitude because you also want to be friends with the students. So now you're caught between general familiarity and being in the position of power. I have actually been criticized as playing favorites in one class I helped out as a TA. Their logic was the students I seemed to know by the end of the quarter were doing better. Thus, I must be playing favorites! Unfortunately, I believe they forgot to account for the fact that these students were the ones who kept asking me for help. Of course they were doing better. They were being proactive at learning the material and getting advice when possible. However, it's the semblance of favoritism that kills you. It's not about the truth, it's what others think is the truth.

So, now you have to balance being the students' friends and also holding them at an arm's length to preserve your upstanding nature as an authority figure. Ugh.

Advantage: Getting to Help Students

One of the main flaws in being a graduate student is that you don't have to take classes. While many may rejoice as the prospect, I've garnered the knowledge that often times classes are the best position to meet and get to know other people. Well, that and LAN parties, but that's another topic entirely. Basically, being a TA means you not only are forced to interact with other students, you probably have to interact with all of them. You'll get to know them, some of their strengths and weaknesses, and develop a bit of a repertoire as well. It is also really interesting to TA several classes and have some of the same students show up and you can really see their growth. Plus, being helpful in my mind is one of the most awesomest things to do, and immensely fulfilling.

Aggravation: Helping Students

Sometimes, your students just don't get it, just don't put in the time, just don't have the time, or flat out don't care. And they expect you to pull them across the finish line. Even worse are the ones you know can totally do this and ace the class if they only put in a few more hours, but they just do the bare minimum and scoot away with a B.

Advantage: The Pay for 10 Hours a Week

Each TA position is only supposed to take 10 hours a week. As reimbursement, you get fee remission and around $900 a month. Not bad!

Aggravation: 10 Hours a Week?

For some classes, 10 hours a week is the minimum you need to put in. One quarter I ended up pulling a few 20+ hour weeks for the last 3 weeks to help students with their final projects and do all the grading. I literally came into the lab in the morning, held office hours as a review for the final, started grading, and din't leave until 10pm that night. Oh, and that was the grading for just the final projects. The Final took me another 6 hours. Blasted not getting a key.

Conclusion

So, overall, being a TA is tough. Still, it pays the bills and I totally enjoy doing it.

Obligations

Ha, anyone miss me? No? Cool.

Was just thinking about something and thought I should write it down. Commence unedited garble.

I noticed that in general people pick up on obligations. If someone got you a Christmas Card, it is standard procedure to add them to your giant list of people who need to get your Christmas Card next year (assuming you didn't have any spares on hand to distribute). Similarly, if someone does something nice and considerate, often times this is repaid in a similar gesture.

There are of course partial exceptions to this rule. One recently mentioned is how women in bars tend to act. It is not uncommon for ladies to pay nothing for all their drinks for the night, instead relying on random bar goers treating them in exchange for some conversation time. Granted, most of these fellas are expecting a tad more than conversation, but that isn't a requirement. Did you know there are some women who go to bars simply for the free drinks with no intention of the after-party?

However, I mentioned to my parents this phenomenon and how it seems like certain groups are much more conscious of this. My mother is Chinese, and matter-of-factly replied that I was absolutely correct. In Chinese culture, you are expected to keep close tally of your debts. Being indebted to someone is something you should get out of quickly to prevent accruing more debts, and as a matter of courtesy. Also, in case you missed this amazing WSJ article from last week, you should read it and enjoy[1]. One of the key highlights is that in Chinese culture children are heavily indebted to their parents. They spend so much time and effort on you, you should return the favor in the form of respect, finances, and time especially as they get older. Similarly, I noticed that as we went out to eat with the family, the uncles would fight over the bills. One might treat the first time, then another would treat the next. If someone was doing better than the other, things would shift and the more well-to-do would forcibly take the bill to help watch out for the other family, but in general there was a subtext of tic-for-tat.

However, she pointed out, the Japanese are almost fanatical about this concept of debts. I recall several times when we had to write down what we received as gifts. This was not only for our benefit of writing Thank You notes, but also so that our parents could keep track of how much was spent on us by the Aunts and Uncles and so they could give similar amounts in return. If we got a $30 gift card, we had to make sure a $30 gift card was our response next time.

Granted, I am 4th generation Japanese, so maybe stuff has deviated a bit form being in America. Talking with the Japanese exchange student we have this month, I've learned a few things about how Japanese work in the homeland too. For example, it is still expected that the men take care of the ladies. This means picking up the tabs when the group goes out to eat, making sure to walk them home, protecting their honor, etc. Girls expect this though and so do not perform anything extra for their male companions. In some ways, this is an excellent arrangement. Men take the lead, act as guardians for the ladies. Good. Yay chivalry. On the flip side, you have to go out of your way to net yourself a girlfriend.

In America, I find it fun how sometimes people subconsciously pick up on this but not as consciously. For example, I'm sure many will gripe about that one person who always asks for things and never gives back. Or perhaps how one person tends to grab the checks. Or when you go out of your way for someone there should be some repayment. Yet we don't typically talk about the balance sheet of gifts between groups.

Ironically, while I consciously can spot these things and keep tallies in my mind, I've found I have no qualms about letting the scales tip a bit in the other person's favor. I've told a few people that one thing I desire is money. Not so I can spend it, but rather so I can give it away. When you live paycheck to paycheck, when a friend is in need it's hard to just toss some cash their way. When you have a nice buffer region, it's so much easier. Repayment? Don't usually need it. Even when buying joint gifts I may remind the person I bought a joint gift with to repay me perhaps once, and then never mention it again. More often than not I just forget. Money owed isn't important enough to me.

Anyways, those are just my ramblings.

[1] As a side note, I was not subjected to the pure form of this, nor do I 100% advocate this style as recorded in the article, but I do see the merit of the thinking. For example, I took piano lessons for 14 years. I am obviously not a concert pianist, but the skills I learned have come in handy a surprising number of times, and so I'm thankful I was subjected to the practicing and that my parents spent the money.