The Chinese Method I Experienced

Initial reading

I realize this is quite some time since this article, but I thought I'd throw in some stuff on the topic.

NOTE: I am 3rd generation Chinese and 4th generation Japanese. Therefore, I am not a fount of knowledge on direct Chinese nor Japanese methods.

As per usual, this is rough draft writing. I rarely edit things.

I was raised with one basic tenant: do your best.

This applies to many things. Do your best academically. Do your best musically. Apply yourself in a reasonable manner. This meant that getting things like Bs were typically unacceptable.

I did quite well for myself. I took 9 AP tests and got 5s on the majority of them. I made it into Harvey Mudd College and graduated in 4 years. I was accepted into a Masters program and will begin work at Intel in the summer. I took about 13 years of piano lessons, threw in a few years of private flute lessons, was Flute section leader in Band and was known for my excellence in drill downs, musicianship, and leadership. I founded several clubs, played tennis, did basketball with the church team through middle school. I was active in church, joining the A/V team, participating at various functions, helping play for the orchestra at a variety of events. I was well-read for my age, scoring pretty good scores on the SAT. Overall, from an academic perspective, I did pretty well.

My parents had to crack the whip a few times. I was not allowed to not practice piano during the week. If I received low scores there were shakes of the head and threats to ban certain things. Groundings were not uncommon for my sibling when things were out of line or major mishaps had occurred. I often had a feeling that I had to live up to my parents' expectations of me, and wound myself up even harder.

Now, before people start yelling about how cruel and heartless this system is, you need to understand the underlying parts of this method of raising kids. I think the WSJ piece played up the more controversial part, which is that you push and push them into excellence. However, that's not completely true, at least in my case.

My parents were also very in tune with what our capabilities were. If for example I had a very tough teacher, as long as I did my best a B was acceptable. When I headed to college they didn't check up on my grades since they knew they had pounded into me a solid work ethic, and now I had to stand or fall on my own. They understood when I had too much work in one area and so I could relax on something else, like a chore or practicing the piano.

Similarly, my brother is a very different person from me. He's a more "artsy" person. As a result, it wasn't expected for him to be the peak of academics. He didn't get to slack though. There were many times when my parents would come back from a parent conference or see a report card and blast him for getting a B in math. No, he is perfectly capable of getting an A. He got them usually by the end. He was just slacking.

Back to differences! I mentioned I did piano for 13 years. For those playing at home, that means I started at 5 years old. Through my senior year of high school. Please do NOT ask me to come play at your wedding, because I'm pretty bad. However, contrast this to my brother. He quit piano before High School even began. He instead picked up drums and guitar. Oh yeah. Really my parents didn't ming if I made it to my senior year. They were content that I had some music in my system by then. However, I stuck it out just so I could have a super special Senior Recital. My brother just decided nope and did other things.

And that was perfectly OK.

You see, the trick to the Chinese method is to expose and push them at the things they enjoy and you know they can do. I was sent to a variety of sports camps over the summers to sports I was horrible at, like baseball. I was a constant attendee of Science Camps. However, you don't arbitrarily push forever and ever. Or rather, you shouldn't. Instead, while kids don't know what's best for them you assert your authority and make them do things that pay off in the end. Those piano lessons? Totally worth it. I had a really fun time with the recital, it was quite the ego booster to get some awesome scores, and the training has really come in handy. There are fewer better ways to impress people (especially ladies) than being able to bust out music skillz. Well, I guess dancing works too.

I mentioned that I played basketball for a while. I admit, I was complete crap at it, as many can attest. However, I was kinda forced to do it. If there is anything I disliked the most, it was probably the basketball. Mostly because I never applied myself to get good, and so I was never that good, and so I kinda just hung around. When I hit High School, I flat out dropped. And my parents were cool with that.

You see, the problem comes when they start to exert forces when the child is completely able to survive on their own. I have a few friends who suffer from this now. One commented that they had achieved everything their parents had asked for, specifically financial success in a solid job. So, the parents could go shove it. I was frankly surprised that their parents were still meddling to that degree even after college. My parents like to know what I'm up to, and like to be involved, but I rarely feel like they're meddling. It's more of an offered hand of help. Meddling pretty much ended around High School.

That doesn't mean they weren't active in my life. In High School they helped shuttle me to all the events, they were integral components in the Band, they helped me decide on a college. This wasn't meddling, this was enabling. They went to every practice, every recital, every parent-teacher conference. They had an active hand in monitoring and cheering me on. There was constant, steady pressure to succeed, and they cheered me on every step of the way.

Contrast to what I saw with some of my other friends. The parents only showed up to crack the whip. When I went over to their house the parents just left us alone. My parents would always greet my guests, check if they needed any food or drinks. I've heard stories about parents who tried to pigeonhole their kids into what they believed the archetype required for "success" as the kid went kicking and screaming.

Again, I did not have any of this. I was encouraged to explore what I wanted, and when I found them I was expected to full my full effort into it.

Granted, as I stated at the beginning, I do not have a purely traditional FOB mother. My father is Japanese. My parents are Christian. We lived in the suburbs of LA. My story is not that of a super-powered-chinese-or-die growing up. I ate a combo of Chinese, Japanese, Mexican, American, Italian, and pretty much everything diet, not rice every night. I am perhaps NOT the typical Chinese upbringing.

Which perhaps is comforting. It means I was able to reap the amazing benefits of the style. I pushed myself to do things I didn't think I could do. I have skills that I am amazingly thankful I have. I have a very strong relationship with my parents because I know they care about me and want what's best for me. However, I don't have the negatives. The sometimes meddling mother. The injured feeling that I don't control my fate. The rebellion that I am merely a product of parental tinkering and not my own exploration.

It means the system can work.

The Fine Line of Being a TA

This is a little dump of some of the benefits and bores of being a TA.

Commence the double-talk.

Advantage: You're not the Teacher

Perhaps the greatest benefit of being a TA is you're a teacher, but not THE teacher. You know, the person who actually has the responsibility to get everything done. You're free to help out the students, but you don't have to do some of the overhead like create a lesson plan, design the homeworks and tests, or get down in the muck for the final grade curving equations. Nope, you're free of all of that. Instead, you get to help the students along and teach what is prescribed for them by the real teacher. Heck, even if you have to do a little pinch-lecturing for them they should provide some notes on what they were going to do and you just have to not fall flat on your face. Sounds like a pretty good gig!

Aggravation: You're not the Teacher

Perhaps the biggest bore of being a TA is that you are completely dependent on the actual teacher. So, if you feel like something was too hard or too soft, you have no say whatsoever. Feel like the class is being poorly taught? Try explaining that to someone who's been doing this for 10+ years and has "honed" their classes into this perfect form they bestow upon the students this day. Timing of assignments and tests? Completely out of your hands. All you can do is shrug, say the professor is on it, and hope for the best.

Advantage: Being the liaison for the students

One really cool thing about being a TA is that you are someone the professor will probably listen to. You're supposed to be their trusted aide. You get their ear! Plus, the students see you as a kind of friend. You're there to help and so if there's grumblings it doesn't take much to get them expressed. Then you can ferry them on up to the professor and changes can be made.

Aggravation: Being in a position of authority

Since you have been bestowed a position of power and are now a duly appointed representative of the school there are certain things you have to be careful of. For one thing, people will take what you say a bit more seriously. This isn't a problem for say advising about how to do homework, but it can come around to bite you if you enjoy sarcastic or off-the-wall humor. If you perform acts unbecoming of your station it will reflect poorly on yourself, the school, and the profession. Even better, you're extra liable. Yup. Do something silly and the whole system may come crashing down on your head. Your body will show up after a few days in the gutter clutching what remains of your research and no one will talk about it again. Seriously. So, don't screw up. Keep the swear words down. Never EVER mention drugs or alcohol. Any degrading comments can be taken out of context and seen as a personal attack and then you're hosed.

Aggravation: Being in a position of authority (part 2)

This problem is doubled in magnitude because you also want to be friends with the students. So now you're caught between general familiarity and being in the position of power. I have actually been criticized as playing favorites in one class I helped out as a TA. Their logic was the students I seemed to know by the end of the quarter were doing better. Thus, I must be playing favorites! Unfortunately, I believe they forgot to account for the fact that these students were the ones who kept asking me for help. Of course they were doing better. They were being proactive at learning the material and getting advice when possible. However, it's the semblance of favoritism that kills you. It's not about the truth, it's what others think is the truth.

So, now you have to balance being the students' friends and also holding them at an arm's length to preserve your upstanding nature as an authority figure. Ugh.

Advantage: Getting to Help Students

One of the main flaws in being a graduate student is that you don't have to take classes. While many may rejoice as the prospect, I've garnered the knowledge that often times classes are the best position to meet and get to know other people. Well, that and LAN parties, but that's another topic entirely. Basically, being a TA means you not only are forced to interact with other students, you probably have to interact with all of them. You'll get to know them, some of their strengths and weaknesses, and develop a bit of a repertoire as well. It is also really interesting to TA several classes and have some of the same students show up and you can really see their growth. Plus, being helpful in my mind is one of the most awesomest things to do, and immensely fulfilling.

Aggravation: Helping Students

Sometimes, your students just don't get it, just don't put in the time, just don't have the time, or flat out don't care. And they expect you to pull them across the finish line. Even worse are the ones you know can totally do this and ace the class if they only put in a few more hours, but they just do the bare minimum and scoot away with a B.

Advantage: The Pay for 10 Hours a Week

Each TA position is only supposed to take 10 hours a week. As reimbursement, you get fee remission and around $900 a month. Not bad!

Aggravation: 10 Hours a Week?

For some classes, 10 hours a week is the minimum you need to put in. One quarter I ended up pulling a few 20+ hour weeks for the last 3 weeks to help students with their final projects and do all the grading. I literally came into the lab in the morning, held office hours as a review for the final, started grading, and din't leave until 10pm that night. Oh, and that was the grading for just the final projects. The Final took me another 6 hours. Blasted not getting a key.

Conclusion

So, overall, being a TA is tough. Still, it pays the bills and I totally enjoy doing it.

Obligations

Ha, anyone miss me? No? Cool.

Was just thinking about something and thought I should write it down. Commence unedited garble.

I noticed that in general people pick up on obligations. If someone got you a Christmas Card, it is standard procedure to add them to your giant list of people who need to get your Christmas Card next year (assuming you didn't have any spares on hand to distribute). Similarly, if someone does something nice and considerate, often times this is repaid in a similar gesture.

There are of course partial exceptions to this rule. One recently mentioned is how women in bars tend to act. It is not uncommon for ladies to pay nothing for all their drinks for the night, instead relying on random bar goers treating them in exchange for some conversation time. Granted, most of these fellas are expecting a tad more than conversation, but that isn't a requirement. Did you know there are some women who go to bars simply for the free drinks with no intention of the after-party?

However, I mentioned to my parents this phenomenon and how it seems like certain groups are much more conscious of this. My mother is Chinese, and matter-of-factly replied that I was absolutely correct. In Chinese culture, you are expected to keep close tally of your debts. Being indebted to someone is something you should get out of quickly to prevent accruing more debts, and as a matter of courtesy. Also, in case you missed this amazing WSJ article from last week, you should read it and enjoy[1]. One of the key highlights is that in Chinese culture children are heavily indebted to their parents. They spend so much time and effort on you, you should return the favor in the form of respect, finances, and time especially as they get older. Similarly, I noticed that as we went out to eat with the family, the uncles would fight over the bills. One might treat the first time, then another would treat the next. If someone was doing better than the other, things would shift and the more well-to-do would forcibly take the bill to help watch out for the other family, but in general there was a subtext of tic-for-tat.

However, she pointed out, the Japanese are almost fanatical about this concept of debts. I recall several times when we had to write down what we received as gifts. This was not only for our benefit of writing Thank You notes, but also so that our parents could keep track of how much was spent on us by the Aunts and Uncles and so they could give similar amounts in return. If we got a $30 gift card, we had to make sure a $30 gift card was our response next time.

Granted, I am 4th generation Japanese, so maybe stuff has deviated a bit form being in America. Talking with the Japanese exchange student we have this month, I've learned a few things about how Japanese work in the homeland too. For example, it is still expected that the men take care of the ladies. This means picking up the tabs when the group goes out to eat, making sure to walk them home, protecting their honor, etc. Girls expect this though and so do not perform anything extra for their male companions. In some ways, this is an excellent arrangement. Men take the lead, act as guardians for the ladies. Good. Yay chivalry. On the flip side, you have to go out of your way to net yourself a girlfriend.

In America, I find it fun how sometimes people subconsciously pick up on this but not as consciously. For example, I'm sure many will gripe about that one person who always asks for things and never gives back. Or perhaps how one person tends to grab the checks. Or when you go out of your way for someone there should be some repayment. Yet we don't typically talk about the balance sheet of gifts between groups.

Ironically, while I consciously can spot these things and keep tallies in my mind, I've found I have no qualms about letting the scales tip a bit in the other person's favor. I've told a few people that one thing I desire is money. Not so I can spend it, but rather so I can give it away. When you live paycheck to paycheck, when a friend is in need it's hard to just toss some cash their way. When you have a nice buffer region, it's so much easier. Repayment? Don't usually need it. Even when buying joint gifts I may remind the person I bought a joint gift with to repay me perhaps once, and then never mention it again. More often than not I just forget. Money owed isn't important enough to me.

Anyways, those are just my ramblings.

[1] As a side note, I was not subjected to the pure form of this, nor do I 100% advocate this style as recorded in the article, but I do see the merit of the thinking. For example, I took piano lessons for 14 years. I am obviously not a concert pianist, but the skills I learned have come in handy a surprising number of times, and so I'm thankful I was subjected to the practicing and that my parents spent the money.