Was just thinking about something and thought I should write it down. Commence unedited garble.
I noticed that in general people pick up on obligations. If someone got you a Christmas Card, it is standard procedure to add them to your giant list of people who need to get your Christmas Card next year (assuming you didn't have any spares on hand to distribute). Similarly, if someone does something nice and considerate, often times this is repaid in a similar gesture.
There are of course partial exceptions to this rule. One recently mentioned is how women in bars tend to act. It is not uncommon for ladies to pay nothing for all their drinks for the night, instead relying on random bar goers treating them in exchange for some conversation time. Granted, most of these fellas are expecting a tad more than conversation, but that isn't a requirement. Did you know there are some women who go to bars simply for the free drinks with no intention of the after-party?
However, I mentioned to my parents this phenomenon and how it seems like certain groups are much more conscious of this. My mother is Chinese, and matter-of-factly replied that I was absolutely correct. In Chinese culture, you are expected to keep close tally of your debts. Being indebted to someone is something you should get out of quickly to prevent accruing more debts, and as a matter of courtesy. Also, in case you missed this amazing WSJ article from last week, you should read it and enjoy[1]. One of the key highlights is that in Chinese culture children are heavily indebted to their parents. They spend so much time and effort on you, you should return the favor in the form of respect, finances, and time especially as they get older. Similarly, I noticed that as we went out to eat with the family, the uncles would fight over the bills. One might treat the first time, then another would treat the next. If someone was doing better than the other, things would shift and the more well-to-do would forcibly take the bill to help watch out for the other family, but in general there was a subtext of tic-for-tat.
However, she pointed out, the Japanese are almost fanatical about this concept of debts. I recall several times when we had to write down what we received as gifts. This was not only for our benefit of writing Thank You notes, but also so that our parents could keep track of how much was spent on us by the Aunts and Uncles and so they could give similar amounts in return. If we got a $30 gift card, we had to make sure a $30 gift card was our response next time.
Granted, I am 4th generation Japanese, so maybe stuff has deviated a bit form being in America. Talking with the Japanese exchange student we have this month, I've learned a few things about how Japanese work in the homeland too. For example, it is still expected that the men take care of the ladies. This means picking up the tabs when the group goes out to eat, making sure to walk them home, protecting their honor, etc. Girls expect this though and so do not perform anything extra for their male companions. In some ways, this is an excellent arrangement. Men take the lead, act as guardians for the ladies. Good. Yay chivalry. On the flip side, you have to go out of your way to net yourself a girlfriend.
In America, I find it fun how sometimes people subconsciously pick up on this but not as consciously. For example, I'm sure many will gripe about that one person who always asks for things and never gives back. Or perhaps how one person tends to grab the checks. Or when you go out of your way for someone there should be some repayment. Yet we don't typically talk about the balance sheet of gifts between groups.
Ironically, while I consciously can spot these things and keep tallies in my mind, I've found I have no qualms about letting the scales tip a bit in the other person's favor. I've told a few people that one thing I desire is money. Not so I can spend it, but rather so I can give it away. When you live paycheck to paycheck, when a friend is in need it's hard to just toss some cash their way. When you have a nice buffer region, it's so much easier. Repayment? Don't usually need it. Even when buying joint gifts I may remind the person I bought a joint gift with to repay me perhaps once, and then never mention it again. More often than not I just forget. Money owed isn't important enough to me.
Anyways, those are just my ramblings.
[1] As a side note, I was not subjected to the pure form of this, nor do I 100% advocate this style as recorded in the article, but I do see the merit of the thinking. For example, I took piano lessons for 14 years. I am obviously not a concert pianist, but the skills I learned have come in handy a surprising number of times, and so I'm thankful I was subjected to the practicing and that my parents spent the money.
My father is a lot like that woman. He made it very clear to me that if I was not the best at everything, I had no value to him. As I am not the best at everything, I see no value in continuing our relationship. I can spend my time and emotional energy on people who care about me, and who don't think that a B in math makes me a failure as a human being.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, every single one of my successes has been at something my father deemed not worth my time.