T-minus ~7 months
I receive horrendous scores for my TA work. In a discussion with the professor he points out that I tend to have a sarcastic streak and that the students probably take offense, even when I'm flippantly using it for humor. I strive to do better and score awesomely well as a TA the next quarter.
T-minus ~5 months?
Coming back from a retreat I mention that I tend to repetitively analyze what I've done and try to do better next time. My driver Molly asks if this is ever depressing or if I feel like I have a lot of regret, and I reply I think it makes me stronger and I typically don't have a huge amount of regret.
T-minus ~2 months
Small Group Leader retreat. I make a jab about the naming of the pastor's kid, and instantly know I screwed up. He's really gracious about it, taking the blame about snapping back, but I also apologize and note I need to work on being more sensitive. Turns out that was a common theme for that retreat. Again, I strive to do better.
T-minus 15 days
I'm a bit depressed and wonder why. I come to the conclusion that perhaps it is because I over analyze and try to correct myself too much. I'll have to think about this.
T-minus 9 days
It's the day after a wedding and as a family we're having breakfast. Soon the topic turns to the wedding and some of the little details that could have been a bit better. I come to the realization that this is where I got my habit. As a family we always break things down afterwards and figure out the good and how to make better the bad. Makes really good conversation though.
T-minus 4 days
I am having perhaps the busiest week ever. Also, jobs don't appear to be panning out, my research is stuck in a rut, I have a mountain of grading to do, AND I have doubled up homework. Oh, and a retreat is coming up that will take up my weekend, and I have to prepare to lead a Small Group discussion the next week too. Sunday is also shot since I get back from the retreat in the afternoon then need to help run A/V that evening. Also, most of the stuff is due Monday and Tuesday. I start to have physical panic attacks during my sleep and actively do breathing exercises and control my thoughts to get through the day.
T-minus 3-1 days
The retreat is excellent. A common theme starts to pop up starting on the car ride up while I flip through some passages looking for material for the Small Group discussion. I land on Proverbs 3. Later during the Lectio Divina sessions I really connect with the passages about God's authority and ability to do anything and how He wants to be a part of your life. Not to mention the whole "My thoughts are higher than your thoughts" deal. I begin to hand over my life to God and trust in his abilities to guide my life instead of my mad micro-managing. Plus, He's the God of the universe. I'm pretty sure He can handle it. Weirdly, many things start to drop off my docket of things to do at an amazing rate. I stop having panic attacks. I also make a decisive jab at the pastor. Probably poor idea.
T-minus 11 hours
I stupidly post a blog that includes the jab I took over the weekend. I get a kind e-mail going, "Um, dude, not cool" and I promptly zap that portion. Yup, it was extra stupid. The pastor also now wants to share some thoughts and pose to me a challenge later today, probably after the meeting that night. I'm guessing I know what's coming.
T-minus 8 hours
I notice how caustic my lab mates sometimes talk. You have to be right, or else you're doing it wrong. That's... odd. I think about how similar this was to the environment back at Mudd sometimes.
T-minus 0
The evening's message is on the Power of Words. Not only to build people up, but how we can tear people down. Also, we can tear ourselves down as we perpetrate lies about our image of ourselves. I start to have really, really huge "O HAI" warnings going off in my head. Not only is this my problem, it also provides a proactive way to deal with it. Replace my caustic jabs with proactive encouragements. Oh man, this is AWESOME. I get prayer about it afterwards from the speaker.
T-plus 1 hour
The chat with the pastor. He does a clever little correction-via-encouragement-to-do-something-else play. Apparently I'm really observant and really articulate, so I should try to harness my powers for good and articulate good things I see! In the back of my head I'm going, "yeah, I know I'm a moron, please don't sugar coat me this" and promptly yell at myself for having such poor self-image. =p Still, he's right.
T-plus 1 day
The docket of insanity is cleared. In fact, the day was insanely complicated, involving wasting huge amounts of time fixing my bike (who thought having the Bike Barn a 1 minute walk from the Bide Garage was a good idea? It's not like we'd want to get from one to the other to install that part we just bought. Probably stupid admins not giving them enough room), and fixing my coding world leaves me about an hour to prep my Small Group study. I tried the night before, and totally was dry. I said a prayer then and I do it again now. I'm sitting in a Subway, and suddenly I just fire off line after line of thoughts and questions on the passages I picked out over the weekend. It had to be the more instantly inspired things evar. So, somehow with barely any time to spare, I've managed to clear a docket of doom and still get some sleep Monday night. Whoa..... Also, the Small Group is super supportive about my tongue surgery. Heck, one guy even sets up a really neat way to keep me accountable. Gonna need to get a bunch of quarters.
Hindsight:
God lined stuff up good. Not only did He give me a giant "WAKE UP" call to reset my tongue, just prior He also got me to realize I have to rely on Him for my life and to empower me to change. So, a problem and a solution at the same time. Huh. Oh, and God tends to answer prayers in weird ways. The week before, I was feeling depressed a bit and asked for prayer to stay busy so I wouldn't think about being depressed. This turned into the T-minus 4 days entry. Also, a double whammy in a weekend is pretty epic. Not to mention that weekend retreat was at just the right time when I was stretched the farthest and really needed good fun company and a reset with God of sorts.
So yeah. Awesome Stuffs. But it's only the first step.
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