I was thinking back the other day to some stuff back in High School. Let me first say that I, overall, didn't enjoy High School. I survived, and had some cool times, but overall is was a bit of a drag. But, one of the few shining things of that time was the Band. The Royal Wilson Marching Alliance.
I am a male flautist. This means I play the flute. I found out after I picked it that it was considered a "girly" instrument. However, that just made me mad and I set out to prove them wrong. I'm still not an epic flute player, but I can hold my own.
In Band, this meant I was one of the few male flautists. I also ended up being the only senior in the section. As such, I applied for Section Leader and got it. And now we finally get to the point of the story.
I would often use the phrase "Trevin Standard" when talking with my section. Often it was in the context of "that was good, and maybe up to Mr. Chang's standard, but that's not Trevin Standard." Basically, I set the bar high and kept it high. This was for everything from playing to memorization to rhythm and drill abilities. If you weren't performing at the top of your game, I called you on it.
Some would say that I was quite the tyrant. I mean, we're talking about a nearly unobtainable level of awesome. While I felt I met my own standard in some areas, even I didn't live up to all of them. When the section started to grumble and ask what was the ubiquitous Trevin Standard that they never really got to, I explained that it was being the best, being so good that I wouldn't ever have to worry about you again while you were here in the Band. I think that they respected this and since I set the same standard for myself, they continued to work hard.
Why would I set a standard that even I couldn't quite achieve all the time? As I said in the beginning, I'm probably OCD or have slight autism or something. The result is that in everything I do, I always evaluate myself, often quite harshly, and think of ways I could do it better next time. As a Tour Guide I would constantly re-run through every line I said and tweak the bad ones, all the while optimizing the route for each set of parents and pre-frosh. Every speech I have given has been re-worked in my mind many times before and after I give it. Heck, I analyze how well I ran Powerpoint for a worship service.
It's an odd thing being your own worst critic. In some ways, it's very beneficial. You get better, you strive towards perfection. However, there is a major downside. You start becoming very critical of everyone else as well. You start to think that everyone else isn't up to par and should be trying harder. Worse, you start to think everyone is judging you for every move you make. You start to make rules of conduct to make sure everything goes perfectly. You develop archaic systems to optimize anything. You can see how stifling this can become.
Recently at our Church retreat I began to realize this problem. Sure the Trevin Standard in itself is not bad. However, I started to let it run my life, to tighten a noose around my neck with each passing day. It got to the point where when driving down the freeway I would consciously be concerned about what all the other drivers around me thought of my driving. Again, being a safe driver and trying to do better isn't bad, but this was starting to impair my ability to drive effectively.
The person who prayed for me about this called it the Fear of Man. A crippling soul crushing fear of judgement and opinions.
I've since been working on breaking this. One particular area is to offer my services for more visible roles. For example, I used to have a rule that the only reason I should be in the spotlight is if I had to. I never would volunteer. However, during that same retreat, there was a call for testimonies. I knew God wanted me to get up and tell people about my problem, but that old rule was fighting. You're not eloquent enough. You're not spiritual enough. You're doing it for the praise that is sure to come afterwards for facing your demons. Better to work on this quietly and come out when you're cured.
I finally mustered the courage to get up and give the testimony, and of course the outpouring of sympathy and empathy came. However, I wasn't prideful. As one of the pastors later said, sure you get some praise, but the message needed to get out and it can help others realize their own problems and begin healing for them as well.
So, the Trevin Standard still exists. I'm still very critical of myself and others when asked. However, I have resolved to never let it run my life.
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