In case it isn't obvious, a good portion of this blog is used as an expression of things going on in my head. Often times it tackles a subject where I find myself deficient. I have been asked how I do self-evaluations to discover these problems and attempt to fix them. This post will try to lay out the basics of the process. This only is a rough outline, so take it with a grain of salt. I don't have a checklist I follow nor a 5 Step Plan that I adopted. This is just what I tend to do based on self-evaluations of my self-evaluations.
First is to notice there is a problem. This can take a variety of forms. I may be feeling down for an unknown reason. There isn't a serious tragedy in my family, everything seems to be moving along as normal, but I wake up to the realization I don't feel happy. That might be the first clue. Another trigger is when I feel a strong emotion of hate or anger, especially towards an individual. I will often run into triage mode and try to tease out the why of that reaction. Sometimes I am merely ruminating on the events of the day and realize when things could have gone better. Not only in aspects where I made a mistake but also when I feel it could have been more awesome. In short, if I ever feel strong negative emotions I tend to try to find the root cause.
Next is to trace the problem. Let's say I get angry at another individual. After realizing this anger, I try to figure out why. Identifying the source is usually easy. They made a certain remark and I reacted. Perhaps it was the way they said it, or the body language associated. It could be a particular action such as arriving late or bailing on our plans. The hard part is tracing the cause-and-effect. As detailed in this You Are Not So Smart post, it is extremely difficult to pinpoint exactly why you reach a particular emotional state. Even when we think we know why we often times get it wrong. So when you begin the trace, keep this problem in the back of your mind.
The trace itself is difficult to explain. I've armed myself over the years with a lot of knowledge in psychology and behavioral issues. Also over the years of tweaking and prodding my mind I've started to develop a rough mental map of how I tick. So I am very aware of plenty of biases that might explain the current response I've identified. These can range from things that are universal, like a dislike of haughty individuals. Or they can be personal gripes, especially problems I know I have or have been working on.
Once a root cause is known there comes a decision. Is this a real problem that I should address? If I feel it is a fixable flaw then I will move to the next step. For example, if I think it is because of pride I will try to work on my pride issue. But if it is because of an injustice then there is no reason to beat myself up about it. This is also the checkpoint where I think about the other side of the problem. Am I over thinking this problem, and am I really at fault here? Perhaps it really is the other person is a jerk. Or perhaps I am just imagining a slight and overreacting. This helps temper my actions so I am not randomly fixing un-fixable problems.
Lastly, assuming it is a legitimate problem, I think about how to remedy it. This is extremely difficult. For starters I try to formulate a panacea for the symptom itself. So if I was angry with someone I relax and let the anger slip away. The tough part is developing a plan to remedy the core problem. This sometimes leads to very odd cognitive dissonance, bouts of depression, and in general feeling like crap. Other times it can create a goal that I will keep in my mind and try to work on over time. Another important aspect is to figure out the scope of the solution. For example, when I hear about modern-day slavery I get fairly angry. However, my solution isn't give away all of my money and possessions and donate them to charity. But it also isn't do nothing either.
This generic flow is perhaps best illustrated via example. Hypothetically, I get really annoyed with someone expressing their opinion on a subject under discussion. I notice this, pause, the try to tussle out why. After all, they are entitled to their own opinion, others are expressing theirs and it doesn't bother me, so why this opinion from this person?
Was it the person? Possibly. I don't particularly like this person. They rub me the wrong way sometimes. Why? Well, they seem to have certain personality flaws, they act in particular patterns, and maybe I see myself in that and resent that. Also they demonstrate certain traits that I once did but I now feel are beneath me or in my past. So I feel like this person is beneath me. That's a problem.
Was it the opinion? Hm, on the surface it sounds OK but there's an underlying connotation there. It sounds like a certain ideology I once had but now am ashamed of. I feel there is fundamental flaw. And that flaw is WRONG.
Should I do something? For the problem of the person, yes. I shouldn't feel like I am superior to another person, especially in a roundtable discussion like this. I will have to work on my pride and making sure to give an extra ounce of compassion for this person. I will need to identify the character traits I dislike and see in myself and work on those. For the opinion? Perhaps. Why do I feel like it is so wrong? Should I come out and confront the underlying assumptions? That might make this a pointless argument. They probably don't realize the flaw. They will see me as warping their opinion into something it is not. So I shouldn't directly confront and correct it. Do I stay silent? Is this a big enough problem to lead others down a wrong path? Hm, probably not. I suppose I should just bite my tongue and not worry about the details. And is it actually wrong? I'll need to look back on why I changed my opinion and ensure it is still sound.
This can set off a cascade of other self-evaluations. Also, almost always I decide if the problem is about me and what I should do about it to myself. I figure I only have control over myself, so I should work more on me and less on others. This is not a system for developing why I'm better than someone else, or why I have the right answer over others. It is a system to kick myself in the gut, yell why I suck, then pick myself off the ground a little wiser and a little better.
So yeah, welcome to my insane mind. I recommend you only try this if you are of strong fortitude and willing to look at all the gunk inside. Otherwise you will get to enjoy lovely bouts of Imposter Syndrome and depression.
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