About Me: Managing Expectations

I'm pretty sure people are lying about me.

You know. Those stories about how I'm an excellent cook. Or how I'm an amazing listener AND talker. Or my epic skills at dancing. Or my dazzling musical abilities. Or my ability to know random relevant facts and act as the local walking encyclopedia.

Pretty sure those are all lies.

OK, OK, there are some kernels of truth in them. I am at least a competent chef (cut things, boil water, combine!). I can shut-up and listen intently when you want to talk and will carry a conversation if no one else will. I at least know the basics of dancing (hold hands out, walk in circle right?). I have played musical instruments. And did you know... ah heck with it.

What I mean is that I am very careful about managing people's expectations of me. I'd rather have someone have a low opinion of me and be pleasantly surprised at my competence.

There are many possible reasons for this. One might say it is to ensure truth and accuracy. I don't want people to incorrectly think too highly of me if I'm not sufficiently awesome. Or perhaps it is part of my strategy to outwardly show weakness and inwardly carry strength. Blame Asian culture for that one and an infatuation with subterfuge (that's a whole blog post in itself). Or maybe it is because I overly value surprise and dislike being let down. So why get other people's opinions of me up and set myself up to disappoint them? Could be due to how I've seen boasters get ripped to shreds and felt personal injury from believing in them; and I don't want others to make that mistake with me.

Perhaps the root of all of this is I'm a risk-adverse coward who can't take the heat and constantly sets himself up for failure and shuns the limelight out of some masochistic belief that greatness and rewards go to those who are intentionally humble but that means gaming the system which is bad and I'm a bad person and -
ahem

This application of managing other people's expectations also trickles into my expectations of myself. I would rather be pleasantly surprised at my own competence than be brutally crushed. This is why I typically avoid playing games on ranked ladders. Sure I know roughly where my skills are, but there's a certain comfort in being an enigma without a strict score stuck next to my name everywhere I go. I'd rather grind my low-level skills and suddenly burst through the next level than constantly strain and fail to reach something just out of my grasp. I'm more oriented towards the journey and not in setting goalposts. (Sidenote: developing good fundamentals in something is a good thing. Just perhaps overemphasized by my practices)

I believe to a certain extent we all try to manage our expectations, both from others and of ourselves. We'd like to be well-thought of by others. We all want that special guy or girl to think highly of us. We'd rather stand high on the social ladder than be thought of as incompetent whiny silly people that are dismissed and discarded. And ideally we should have realistic hopes and expectations of our own abilities. It would be quite foolish for you to think you could fly unaided. But accurately knowing if you can make a jump or run a certain distance is useful knowledge. Knowing when you've over-committed to a project is beneficial.

And all of this is based on past events. The feedback loop of guess, check, and evaluate helps us to revise our expectations. I know from past experience that I can't run a mile faster than 7 minutes. Since I'm more out of shape now than I was then, I don't expect to be able to even break 8 minutes. But we also try to tweak them consciously. Intentionally say certain things. Intentionally act certain ways. Intentionally getting your hopes up or becoming extremely wary and cynical. These are all alterations of your expectations or signalling to others to change their expectations of you.

That isn't to say management of expectations is a bad thing. Be careful to not fall into a naturalist fallacy and assume we shouldn't try to manage expectations. Keeping things in line is a useful skill. Making sure your expectations are realistic is healthy and helps keep you locked into reality. Intentional management can benefit you greatly. It is why you start with your best foot forward in relationships and job interviews. You shouldn't think too lowly of yourself, and you should be wary when you start to worship someone else as an infallible deity instead of the human they are.

But try for a little bit not micro-managing expectations. Let things balloon when they're good and deflate when they're bad. Don't care quite so much what others think and rely on your actions to speak louder than the rumors. It just might raise your own expectations of yourself, without you resorting to ice cream.