In a memorable scene from the 1998 film Pleasantville (in which two 1998 teen-agers are transported into the black-and-white world of a 1950s TV show), the father of the TV-perfect Parker family returns from work and says the magic words “Honey, I’m home!”, expecting them to conjure up a smiling wife, adorable children, and dinner on the table.
This time, though, it doesn’t work. No wife, no kids, no food. Confused, he repeats the invocation, as if he must have said it wrong. After searching the house, he wanders out into the rain and plaintively questions this strangely malfunctioning Universe: “Where’s my dinner?”
This particular scene was used to illustrate why people who are well off can often feel threatened as society changes around them. They feel like victims of change. They aren't evil, they did what they thought was right and society thought was right. But society changed, and suddenly they're the bad guy. But all they want is dinner! Read the whole thing. It's excellent, I can relate to parts of it and some day I should do a post on it.
But for today I'm going to hijack this theme and talk about something slightly different.
For a decent chunk of my life I believed suffering was good. I believed that being the underdog was a suitable place for me. I thought that with enough suffering, with enough doing good, I would be rewarded down the road.
There were plenty of reasonable reasons for this belief. It was always the good tormented kid in the story who got the golden dragon. It was the kind and abused maiden who got a Fairy Godmother and went to the ball and found a prince. I was taught good deeds in secret were worth more than works in public, the former bringing its own eventual rewards. I was trained to bear trials because in the end things got better. Our society lauds the person who does great things but shuns the attention. We revere the humble and the patient and those willing to press through trials.
I'm not saying any of this is bad. We love rooting for underdogs. We should give hope to the downtrodden. We should reward the humble and those who go through trials.
The problem is the perversion.
The problem is when people do all this and start to ask where's my dinner?
One classic example of dinner is getting the girl. Cracked.com did an excellent article on why modern men are trained to hate women. It's a bit of a male apologist rant, and certainly paints a caricature of males as sex-crazed dolts, but much of it rings true. Of note for this topic is reason #5: men are trained that they will be rewarded with a woman:
We were told this by every movie, TV show, novel, comic book, video game and song we encountered. When the Karate Kid wins the tournament, his prize is a trophy and Elisabeth Shue. Neo saves the world and is awarded Trinity. Marty McFly gets his dream girl, John McClane gets his ex-wife back, Keanu "Speed" Reeves gets Sandra Bullock, Shia LaBeouf gets Megan Fox in Transformers, Iron Man gets Pepper Potts, the hero in Avatar gets the hottest Na'vi, Shrek gets Fiona, Bill Murray gets Sigourney Weaver in Ghostbusters, Frodo gets Sam, WALL-E gets EVE ... and so on.
<...>So it's very frustrating, and I mean frustrating to the point of violence, when we don't get what we're owed. A contract has been broken. These women, by exercising their own choices, are denying it to us. It's why every Nice Guy is shocked to find that buying gifts for a girl and doing her favors won't win him sex.See what I mean?
This is also tucked within another excellent article (which you should read, hat tip to Liana) on why many nerds don't like the Big Bang Theory TV series. Here's the interesting lines:
We don’t root for Leonard and Penny to get together because we think they’re a good match. We feel sorry for Leonard, we think Penny’s out of his league and we root for the underdog.Again, reinforcing the concept that the underdog should be rewarded. It is their due. If I can garner enough sympathy maybe they'll cheer for me to get Penny too.
This isn't limited to getting the girl/guy. If I work hard enough eventually my skills will grow and I will be rewarded with a better job. If I strive long enough my inner talent will shine through. If I work out enough or learn the right lines people will like me. After I suffer enough I deserve happiness and comfort. This conversion of acquisition of self-value into automatic rewards is a permeating force.
After reading through some of these articles I found myself getting kinda freaked out. I was falling into this trap myself. I would intentionally flog myself, put myself down, grind my nose into the dust and not care because by golly I would get my reward in the future. If I do just the right things the universe's natural karma or whatnot would shower me with rewards. Work hard, get a great job. Play possum now in social settings, bring out a zinger at the right moment and get the girl. Fill mind with information, one day just unload and crush your opponent intellectually. Don't worry about losing face now, the universe will grant you power and fame for your efforts.
I would be asking where's my dinner.
Granted, there have been many times I intentionally don't do something because I fear I am playing into this problem. If I've told you about my experience with the Fear of Man, you know that for a while I was debating speaking publicly about what had occurred because I thought I might be playing into this issue. But there are other times where I sit with righteous indignation awaiting my reward for the suffering I had endured.
I am also not saying you shouldn't do hard work nor suffer and expect no benefit. I had to take music lessons for much of my youth, and I am pretty horrible at playing instruments. I didn't exactly wow anyone. I didn't do them because I derived pleasure from it. Mostly I was told I had to do it. Yet I am grateful my parents pushed me through all of that work for the skills I acquired. Math was often hard, puzzling, and in 99% of my life isn't a benefit. But there are those 1% moments when I use what I know to see beyond what everyone sees. Things in my mind just click a little differently because of the "useless" knowledge I acquired. Some of my favorites times in my life were when the deadlines were looming and I had to turn up the effort to hardcore only-work-eat-and-sleep levels. I felt accomplished. I did amazing things. You can do amazing things when you put your mind to it. You can have awesome feats if you're willing to get a little grimy, get your nose rubbed in the dirt, and suck it up. Suffering can be used for good. Suffering can and is rewarded.
So, what to do?
I know what not to do. Don't take suffering as a down payment for reward in the future. Sometimes bad stuff just happens for no reason than this is a messed up world. But on the other hand, don't do nothing either. I have been paralyzed and missed several opportunities to do something because I thought my intentions were tainted by this issue. Even if they were, I could have touched more lives and done more good if I had stepped out with a bit of faith and gumption. And each time I have stepped forward things have worked out with lives made just a bit better for it.
Perhaps the best way is to live in the present. Don't look back and dwell on all your suffering and think that privileges you to something. This is a huge problem today with people feeling slighted and exacting revenge or claiming moral superiority due to their scars. Don't look forward and fear this as a corrupting force. That only serves to debilitate you and cause you to stumble. Simply step out with a bit of courage. Attempt things with pure intent. And find the reward in the actions themselves. The rest is dessert. You already have your dinner. Now shut up and eat it.
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