I have the unfortunate problem of being noted as "smart" but not actually being that smart.
I have stood in the presence of great, brilliant individuals, and I know I am not one of them. I may have a very large database of random knowledge, and I have gone through very rigorous schooling, but time and time again I am reminded that I'm not really that smart.
The point is perhaps I have the appearances of being smart, and perhaps compared to the average person I am a little smarter, but in reality I am not smart. This creates some interesting problems in my life.
For one thing, I would like to think I am very astute. I have noted I have developed fairly good observational skills, and combined with a broad base of knowledge I can make certain judgement calls. This in turn, combined with an interest in anthropology and what makes things tick, has lead me to develop a decent understanding of human behaviors. This leads to the assumption that I can intentionally alter behaviors. Some would call this a "mind hack." As a matter of fact, I am doing it right now, subconsciously choosing my words and grammar to make you think a certain way about me. We all, to a certain degree, understand and respond to cues and know how to manipulate certain cues to our advantage.
The problem arises is that I also know that I am actively "mind hacking" myself and others. This in turn completely obliterates the effectiveness of them on myself, and makes me feel really bad about using them on others. After all, I'm also a huge fan of organic grassroots growth and development. There have been times when things line up in a particular way, I can see the critical choice phrase I could throw in or certain actions that would make things work a particular way, and intentionally let them slide away.
Again, I'm sure I am not alone in seeing these situations arise. We are all trained by movies for those perfect scenes or archetypical moments. And, by happenstance, things line up and suddenly we are aware that this is THE MOMENT. And some will seize the moment and ride off into the sunset. I tend to let it slide away and watch what unfolds.
This "mind hack" system is also completely ineffectual. I can no longer trick myself into something, since I know I am trying to trick myself. One perfect example is when trying to correct for confirmation bias. It is the phenomenon where you more readily accept facts that are conveniently in line with your own beliefs, thereby reinforcing them, while dismissing facts that seem to run counter to your beliefs. For example, if you already believe climate change is not real or not man-made, you dismiss evidence to the contrary. Similarly, if you already believe in human-driven climate change, you are very likely to dismiss arguments or evidence counter to it. This is mostly driven by our self-delusion that we have rationally and correctly arrived at our views, and feel uncomfortable when they are challenged. And since dismissal is easier than switching our views or holding your mind in tension between two sides, we tend to just dismiss contrary evidence. This can actually be a good thing if our view is "right." No amount of evidence or nice-sounding arguments should sway us from thinking mass-genocide is a bad idea.
Oddly enough though, studies have seen an interesting by-product of confirmation bias. Being aware and informed of the existence of confirmation bias increases confirmation bias! My guess is that once you are aware of confirmation bias, you try to correct for it. However, we naturally inadequately correct for it according to other studies. Therefore, we think we have corrected for confirmation bias, and feel reinforced in our beliefs and become more entrenched, but in reality we are still suspect to the effect of our own bias. Awesome, right? Trying to correct for a fault makes the fault even worse! Thus, armed with this knowledge, I question if my ability to utilize my own knowledge is smart! Mental pretzels!
Another problem is when people compliment me. I happen to know that telling someone they are "smart" will lead them to try to live up to those expectations, sometimes intentionally choosing tests and situations where they know they will succeed. However, telling someone they are "hard working" will in turn push them to new challenges and increase their learning and skills because the goal is not to succeed with high marks anymore but to keep working and striving. Coupled with the Christian virtue of humility, I intentionally play down any compliment. Sometimes it almost seems like I am putting the person down for complimenting me, and I apologize (and am actively working on lessening that). Or, even worse, people will sometimes dig in and reinforce the compliment. Then I am really sunk.
Compliments still make me feel special, and I love giving them to others. And yet oddly enough I have trained myself to play down any made to me. Call it a mix of guarding myself, keeping up a front of humility, digging for further affirmation, or me being plain stupid. Sounds really silly writing it out like this.
The worst of all though is when I compliment myself. I carefully only give praise when it is due, especially to myself. I have built stringent systems and checks to ensure things operate smoothly. But every now and then I am feeling good and things are going great and I let things slide a little with a pat on the back and a silly grin. That is usually when things go horribly wrong. A nice swift reminder that really I am not all that smart.
Coincidentally, my position brings me into contact with truly smart individuals. I have worked with people who amaze me with their insights and wisdom. I have sat next to people who are on track to dramatically change the world for the better. I have stood in the aura of greatness and wept at its beauty.
Which makes me think perhaps I am at that level. I can work with them, when things are explained I can rationalize them. I play with highly ranked players maybe I can be just as good. Oh what self-delusions we spin.
This was crystallized the most when I actively played games at close-to-competitive levels. I would know the underlying strategy and thought processes. I could follow the great players and moan about the failures. I could play alongside great teams and work in the unit towards victory. I must be getting pretty good! But then I play with the morons and idiots and noobs that I deride and I can't carry the team to victory. I am just a cog in a broken machine. My skills and level of play not actually up to snuff. Once again the swift kick of humility.
This also arises in intellectual arguments. I would like to think myself well-read and well-reasoned, and I can see the great minds argue and bring forth great sounding evidence for their cases. And yet there are times I will get in a discussion with the opposition and something about how they structure the debate or they bring in a completely different perspective and I suddenly am out of my depth. I look for holes and see none, even when I know there should be something. Bringing all my faculties to bear I see no recourse except to admit I was wrong and seethe and do research for the next round. Completely lame, and completely stupid.
Call it all self-sabotage. Call it silly notions. Call it over-analyzing. Call it genius even. But really standing on the cusp of brilliance without brilliance to back it up is quite troublesome.
No comments:
Post a Comment