About Me: Fears

I think I have common enough fears. Things like failing expectations and commitment and rejection. But there's yet another deep rooted fear I have.

I fear being in a crowd and being unable to be heard and noticed.

In some respects it is a mixture of other fears. A fear of suffocation. A fear of being alone. A fear of making no difference and having no merit. But perhaps the core of it all is the fear of being helpless.

If you read the archives, I have several posts about trying to identify problems a be a better person. I am a huge advocate of self-improvement because at the very least you can change yourself. So I obviously like to think I have some control over things. I also like to plan ahead so I know what to do. I try to feed my mind with information so I can be ready at any time in any situation. I like to think I am capable of changing hearts, minds, and attitudes. I like to believe people will notice my talents, skills, and inherent value.

But being stripped bare, having no influence. No power to change others. No power to even help myself or make someone notice me. That scares the heck out of me.

It is one thing to die alone in the woods. Or to suffocate in a cave with no one around. But to stand in a crowd, fully functional, fully capable, but unable to be heard or noticed. That's not only being alone. That is being ignored. That is being rejected. That is being one of the faceless numbers that mull about with no rhyme or reason. That is being reduced to nothing. And with all your powers and abilities and voice and capacity stripped away and made meaningless. All the lessons learned wasted. All the strength and stamina voided. All the wit and charm not even mocked but completely unminded. It unnerves me.

What is it you fear?