Would You Date Yourself?

Think about it for a moment.

OK, done?

Most of the time, I would say no. It's not that I always believe myself to be undateable (although that does cross my mind often). It is because I know some people who share certain characteristics with me, and I can't stand them in others.

Obviously this is a slightly skewed premise to begin with. You do not need a clone of yourself around (unless you are really, really narcissistic). Also, most dating advice seems to be look for a complimentary partner*. Find someone who is similar and shares your outlook and interests, but different enough to bring out the best in you.

However, I still think it is a useful self-evaluation tool. For example, look around your room. How clean is it? If you walked into a prospective person's room and it looked like yours, would you be impressed or repulsed? Or what about some of your idiosyncrasies? I tend to think I am right and am not afraid to say so. But, bringing down the "this is truth" hammer doesn't make for very good conversation. How willing are you to share your internal feelings? The list goes on.

Again, this is a very, very poor metric overall. Studies have shown that while we are decent at pointing out our own failures and weaknesses we are horrible at figuring out our strengths. Overall, most people can rate their looks close to what others would. However, on average, we tend to rate ourselves just a tad lower than others do. Similarly, too often we might get hung up on all the minor failures we've had without noticing the great accomplishments others see. Plus, as the saying goes, you don't have to find the perfect person. You just have to find the one person who says "yes" (and that can put up with your problems).

On the flip side, if you wouldn't date you, what makes you think many others want to either!

This brings up the question "if I think I am inadequate dating material, should I be trying to date?" This doesn't just apply to dating; being "good enough" before you can do X is a very common theme. For many things, it is a legitimate barrier. You don't want to run a marathon without executing a half-marathon first (or having an epic trainer). You probably shouldn't get married without dating first. There are many things in life you should train up to a certain level of competency before attempting. But for others they are merely excuses. For example, you might stink at cooking now, but that doesn't mean you can't learn by doing more cooking. Or, just because you can't run non-stop a mile now doesn't mean you shouldn't start running to get in shape. Which one does dating fall in to? Not sure. Plus, I feel it depends on the person. If it would cause serious problems (you're healing from something), don't do it. On the flip side, don't wait until you're the perfect dateable badass before going out there.

So, if you wouldn't date yourself, the next question is why? And, can you do anything about it? Sitting in a corner waiting for the one to come around who will accept you "for who you are" is a waste of time. That assumes you are perfect as you are, and I'm fairly sure none of us are perfect. If you can identify what the major turn-offs are and remedy them, then you are on your way to becoming a better person. As a byproduct, a more dateable person.

As a caveat, this does NOT mean becoming a totally different person. Molding yourself into someone-you-are-not is possible, but not recommended. I am saying you should look to becoming the best person you can be. Being all that you are. Not becoming someone new. Of course, you can broaden your horizons. Staying in your comfort zone is a great way to stay stagnant, try new things! You might even enjoy them and find a new hobby. But do not change the core of who you are. Just improve the person you are.

So, would you date yourself?



* Some claim this advice is a byproduct of a more "traditional" household where the members would specialize. One would handle one part (income), one would handle the other (domestics) freeing up both to achieve better results in their respective domains. However, society is (possible?) shifting to households not being as specialized, and therefore a shift in marriages being less about specializations in productivity and more about shared experiences. Still, personally I'd rather not marry a clone of myself, but food for thought about the whole "opposites attract" notion.